Second Pickup Line; Video

[justnevwerevwen]

[When the feed comes on, Cronus doesn't particularly look like he notices. He's got his arms wrapped under the shoulders of a very unconscious boy and is grunting as he pulls him over to a couch. Some might recognize him as Jake English, though he looks a bit different. He's wearing an outfit similar to Cronus, the hideous god tier outfit he once had tossed in the corner somewhere in favor of something a bit more greaser inspired.

Cronus is heaving a bit from the effort and he finally gets him slumped against the couch, before moving around him and tugging him up onto the couch.]

Vwowv, chief... You need to go on a diet or something, you're too heavwy.

[Cronus takes a moment to wipe at his brow, before shaking his head and regarding Jake with a scrutinizing look, and letting out a hum. All of a sudden he lets out an 'aha!' as if he's suddenly realized something vital.]

I knowv just vwhat vwill complete your look! You'll look so much better vwhen I'm done.

[Cronus leaves for a moment and then comes back with a comb and some hair product. He sets to work smoothing Jake's hair back, getting it nice and slicked back just like his own hair. When he's done, Jake's hair is nice and smooth and he looks like something straight out of the 50s.]

Yes, that's so much better. Nowv you're one hundred percent more hot! I should make people ovwer more often...

[After a few seconds, he lets out a sigh and reaches out to stroke Jake's hair, shaking his head softly.]

You vwere much more interesting vwhen you vwere avwake though. At least then things vwere less... lonely. Howv long are you planning on being out, anyvway? I'm running out of patience here. I vwonder... I vwonder if this is anything like those human fairy tales I'vwe heard so much about. 'Sleeping Beauty' comes to mind.

[He twists so that he can better look at Jake.]

I vwonder if a kiss vwould... [He leans in, lips puckered unattractively, before his eyes catch something out of the corner of his eye.] Oh globes. Howv long has this thing been on?

[And then he promptly switches off the feed.]

Comments

[VIDEO]

[bethehugejerk]

What in the name of the foulest squealing horrorterrors are you doing? I don't even like that bucktoothed moron for the single conversation I had with him, but you cannot convince me that he deserves to be manhandled, dressed up like your own personal fetish doll, and subjected to human fairy tale tropes while apparently comatose. He will not wake up from a kiss, or any other screwed up method you can think to try. And what's he doing with you in the first place?

[Karkat doesn't even know that the greaser outfit is a blessing next to the god tier duds. He, mercifully, has never seen what it is for Pages.]

[VIDEO]

[justnevwerevwen]

[Cronus comes back onto the video with a very annoyed expression. You're interrupting important things, Karkat! God.]

Please, tell me howv it's any of your business, Vwantas. Oh... Vwait! You can't, because it isn't. But if you must knowv, he vwas staying vwith me. Nowv if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put my fairy tale theory to the test...

[VIDEO]

[bethehugejerk]

It's my business because you broadcasted it to the public network, you brainless nooksucking douche.

[Though he's questioning why he thought talking to him would do anything. He's going to get a headache, isn't he? Well, in for a boondollar, in for a boonbuck.]

Why he would think it's a good idea to stay with you is beyond me, but like I already said, your theory is not going to work, namely because it's a fat load of crap. I have been comatose twice, and seen others in comas. If the kiss thing worked, I would know by now. To add to that, there was a fairy tale curse here ages back, and I have seen those traits and mechanisms in actions. And guess what? They're also crap! They don't help anything, they just make life an awful, embarrassing trainwreck for all involved, which you have already accomplished without putting your mouth on him.

text

[halfhearted]

Sleeping Beauty wears a dress.
A poodle skirt would match the hair.

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[justnevwerevwen]

vwell nowv theres an idea!
but unfortunately i didnt havwe a poodle skirt.
he had to borrowv vwhat i havwe.
but theres alvways next time, and ill be sure to find one before then.

text

[halfhearted]

You could improvise.
Or ask to borrow one from someone.

[Video]

[thekidsare0kay]

What are you doing to that poor, innocent human, findouche?

Someone ought to take out a restraining order.

[Video]

[justnevwerevwen]

Hey, vwhat's vwith the unvwarranted insults? I didn't do anything to you, chief.

And he doesn't need a restraining order! I'm just making him look hot, that's all. There is absolutely nothing vwrong vwith that. You're ovwer reacting.

[Video]

[thekidsare0kay]

Unwarranted? You have Eridan's face. That means you're probably a douche unless proven otherwise.

...Uh huh.

[Video]

[shippingmath]

[Dirk's first thought is, somehow, "at least Jake's not ignoring me again."

It's rapidly replaced by a lot of "what the fuck." Because Jake's been missing for a few days, and he's tried and failed to find him. And now to find that some troll has been dressing him up like a toy and tried to kiss him?

Even if he didn't have a lingering crush on Jake English, he would probably be in murder mode.]

Get your hands the fuck off him.

[Video]

[justnevwerevwen]

[TOO MANY INTERRUPTIONS gosh will he ever get to kiss his sleepy beauty? Apparently not. Cronus flips the video on an regards Dirk with a pretty judgmental air. He ain't scared of you, Strider.]

You knowv, I'm not sure vwhy I'm evwen bothering answvering people at this point. But you should knowv I'm just trying to do him a favwor. Howv is it any of your business anyvway?

[Video]

[shippingmath]

It's my business because I'm his friend and you sure as hell aren't.

[video]

[onebecametwo]

Groooooss. Why would you even fucking DO that?

[ Devit sticks his tongue out like ew. ]

Do you know how fucking bad that much grease is? You know what it does? Fucking clogs up your hair follicles and makes everything all dry and brittle. And you're inflicting that on another person.

[ Yes this is what he takes the most issue with. ]

[video]

[justnevwerevwen]

I don't knowv vwhat you're talking about! My hair is so soft. You vwanna feel it? I could provwe it to you easily if you just touched it for a second.

[video]

[onebecametwo]

Not with all that gunk in there I won't. My pores man. Think of my pores!

[video]

[unconchonable]

You are total trash, you know that? I don't giwe a whale-shittin' FUCK about him, but seriously, are you so desperate you gotta creep on those stricken unconscious?

Fuckin' deplorable.

[video]

[justnevwerevwen]

Oh here you go attacking me for not evwen doing anything to you! I see howv it is. I talk to you and it bothers you, I leavwe you alone and it bothers you.

You just need to leavwe me and my newv friend alone.

[video]

[unconchonable]

I ain't attackin' you for not doin' anythin' to ME. I'm actually quite grateful that you seem to be leawin' me alone now.

I doubt you ewen know him.

video;

[ukidokiotaku]

[Renge couldn't believe what she was seeing on this thing. In fact, it was rather interesting to say the least. Damn, she wish she had her opera glasses or something, or at least be there in person to witness such a sight. But this will do. Though when it didn't come to pass well, she can honestly say she was somewhat disappointed.]

Why did you stop? It was just getting to the good part.

video;

[justnevwerevwen]

[Oh.

Well Cronus certainly wasn't expecting that kind of response. After everyone telling him what a horrible person he is, he would have expected everyone to jump on that particular bandwagon and call him horrible. But this is exciting!]

Oh really? You vwanted to see me kiss him?

[Video]

[stridercentric]

[Aw maaan, Bro was just having fun voyeuring. Because what's not amusing about a weird greaser troll trying to kiss the teenage version of Old Man Harley? Nothing, that's what. Granted, he'd go put a stop to it if it was more than smooching, but this is like kids playing house to him. Err, teenagers. One of them unconscious. Still innocent enough.]

Nice try, bro. Word to the wise, unless you're tryin' to broadcast this shit on purpose, take the magical starfish communicator out of the room.

[Video]

[justnevwerevwen]

It vwas unintentional.

[He huffs though, clearly irritated by the constant interruptions by this point.]

Vwhat, you aren't going to tell me vwhat a horrible person I am for doing vwhatevwer it is that's supposedly so horrible about this? He's my friend, just for the record. I don't see vwhat is so vwrong vwith it. He vwas livwing vwith me vwhen he fell asleep!

[oceanbreasts]

[ Oh. Oh heeeeeeeeeeeells naw. The video gets flipped on immediately and... well, Roxy doesn't exactly get mad very often, but she is way beyond simply being displeased at that little display. ]

Hey. Woah. No. Hands off mister English, or am I gonna have to start punches bitches in the face?

[justnevwerevwen]

I currently see no bitches that are in need of punching, but if I do, I vwill let you knowv!

[And with that he is just going to try and shut the feed off because he is so tired of getting interrupted from his kiss!!]

[Video]

[ohshellno]

You just hit a new low, Crodog.

Anchors ain't drifted as low as you, yo. [Squint.] Aw motherfuck. That's the asshoal that punched me. You can keep that loser.