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[Ah, Vatheon. How lovely it must be for all of you who are topside right now. Surely you are enjoying the sun, the shade, the lovely ocean water and beautiful sea life~

... But then. Are those the sound of hooves?]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

[And now a shriek! A panicked shriek of a damsel in distress! Could someone be hurt, is someone drowning? Oh, whatever is going on now?]

Oh, oh, no, no, no, this is awful! Simply dreadful! Oho, how could this have happened!?

[For anyone watching or even on the island right now, she will make herself known: a beautiful white mare shivering and tromping about in the sand. Oh, it's sticking to her hooves! Her beautifully polished hooves! Rarity barely realizes she's tapped the communicator beside her, nor does she pay attention to the lovely vest. (Really, Princess Zelda, the shade is lovely, but Rarity is currently preoccupied with more important things!)

Pawing at the sand and with tears in her big blue eyes, she sniffles.]

O-oh. My poor mane. A-and my coat. Ooh, it's all ruined!

(( ooc: Feel free to reply with an action response if you wish. Hopefully someone can calm her down. :c ))

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["Rarity"? He'd ask what the deal is, but next to Rainbow Dash, it's not all that weird. Ponies, man.]

Oh for fuck's taintchafing sake. I'm not calling you delicate because you're a lady, I'm calling you delicate because you're using that as reason to throw a hissyfit over me not speaking all prim and proper to you. Let me make this so absurdly clear you could make windows out of it: Karkat does not fucking care because he doesn't make exceptions for anyone. And talking in third person is lobotomy-level stupid. I will swear and use crude metaphors and call you out when you are being a screechy, ear-rending horror to listen to.

Says the gentleman using the same speech patterns! Are you that heartless as to not consider the feelings of others? Honestly, not only does it make you seem very childish, it also makes you look utterly foolish! Have you never learned manners nor respect?

[She sighs heavily. This might actually be a little worse than her hair.]

Perhaps you have not yet learned to respect yourself if you are acting in such a ruthless and uncharismatic fashion, if I can even refer to it as such.

I was using it to copy you. It was a stylistic choice!

[Huff.]

Second, I'm not a gentleman. I'm a self-admitted asshole. It is in my blood to be crass and rude; my species is troll, and my nature is hence to troll. Spare be the presumption that this precludes me from showing respect, or, wonder of wonders, even gaining it for myself.

What would you rather have? Me speaking honestly to you or putting on such an act of mild-mannered politeness that even passing specks of dust could tell I'm faking it? I swear I will never understand why these cauterized-at-the-lobestem nimrods continue to insist that not being upfront about the things that garner my hate is the right way to go.

Protip: My hatred does not exclude all positivity. My hate is universal and transcendent, crossing to universes beyond my own, beyond those I've visited, until it permeates all reality like a natural law of physics. Karkat Vantas hates your guts echo the cosmos, just as gravity tugs down people who can't fly, and past selves are forever panstunted compared to present selves. And yet, I have friends! A whole fucking herd of them!

If you would stop to think, or even give it a try for once, maybe you would realize this does not prevent civil, productive conversation from happening.

Edited 2013-04-27 14:51 (UTC)

[Oooh, she is so frustrated right now, she could sew your mouth shut!

But Rarity is a lady and as such she should not be stooping down to his level. Deep breaths, Rarity. Considering the circumstances, you were probably just way too flustered. That's all.

For a moment she turns around, showing her back to the communicator in silence, but then she very quickly shows her face again, this time doing her very best to beam and be happy. Which may or may not just look insane.]

I do believe we may have started on the wrong hoof. STARTING OVER WITH CIVILIZED CONVERSATION BEGINS NOW.

[Dadada, fanning herself and taking more deep breaths, then, after clearing her throat,]

Thank you kindly for your information, darling~ It really was quite helpful. Might there be anything else you have to tell me? I would ever so much appreciate the gesture.

[What in all of Paradox Space. When first Rarity turned her back, he thought it might be some sort of prissy silent treatment, but this? This makes him take a silent second of his own to stare at the SFC. His eyebrows have scrunched into a complicated squiggle.]

Do me a favor and don't call me "darling".

[His brain might just melt out his ears otherwise. There's only so much cheer he can handle.]

If you actually care to hear it, I can tell you anything I know about this place. Ask me questions because it's faster than trying to weed out what you have or haven't already heard, and some of my usual spiel isn't even relevant while we're stuck up here on the island.

Forgive me. As a lady, it is in my nature to be lady-like, you see, just as you troll.

[STILL SMILING.]

Now then. Would you happen to know if there is a spa in this world?

And passive-aggressive snarking is the epitome of high class, isn't it?

[He rolls his eyes again.]

There was a spa in Vatheon, but considering the barrier over it is cracked and letting in a deluge of sea water, you are basically fucked on the self-pampering front unless someone sets one up in this village or the bubble gets fixed.

I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

[Sparkling]

Have there been any efforts to patch the barrier up?

And my hooves are as hard as a hoofbeast's.

[Decidedly not sparkling.]

There's an idea in the works, but that's all I can say here.

You have hooves?

[She sounds so serious about that.]

[Karkat gives her the flattest look he can muster, and holds it for a couple seconds just to drive it in. Then, without a word, he starts moving--and soon turns the SFC to view his now bare foot. See the wiggly clawed toes.]

It's a troll term, alright? They're different hooves from your hooves, which is the whole damn point I was making. Do you not understand sarcasm?

[She stares back at him. What? Did she say something wrong? What?? Then when the camera moves and she sees his foot Rarity scrunches up her face a bit.]

Oh, darl- I mean... Karkat, what lovely claws you have. Do you receive regular pedicures~?

[He pulls the SFC back up to show his face.]

Would you cut it with the fake nicey nice act? It's pissing me off. For the record, no, I have not had a pedicure once in my life. I don't need you complimenting my fucking claws. I was making a point, you ponderous exercise in conversational self-flagellation.

Let me further make it clear that I don't do all that fancy self-upkeep crap. I keep myself clean, I comb my hair so it doesn't have tangles, and that's it. I don't care about fashion. Most trolls don't. You want fashion, you go to weirdos like Eridan or Kanaya, and they will talk to you about that gaudy junk all day long.

Fake? Whatever are you talking about? This is simply who I am!

[She goes wide-eyed in surprise! Oh, how could you have ever thought such a thing?]

I adore complimenting people~ It usually gives them a boost for the day. Why, and to hear it from Rarity no less... ahh~ Such an honor it should be. There's no sense in trying to brush it off, you know. You should be happy! Come now. Smile a little, won't you?

[BLINK BLINK]

[Look at those teeth, all pointy and bared. It's not a positive expression.]

My smiles are a rare and elusive thing so rare some believe them to be fictional entirely. They are reserved for people and situations that merit them, and giving me empty "compliments" - [Note a hand rising up to mime the ~~enclosure talons~~ quote marks.] - is not going to draw one out anymore than the piercing screech of a fresh-hatched wiggler would make me cry from joy.

So try disgorging the ego from where it's lodged in your windhole, dig your head out of your ass, and stop pretending you don't know what I'm getting at, because you know exactly what I mean.

[Nope! She's not having any of that huffiness!]

Ah, me. You really must smile more! If you frown that much, you'll develop premature wrinkles! But most importantly, what's inside of you- Oh, I can only imagine how much anger you have pent up inside.

[And then, suddenly, Rarity BEAMS.]

Ideaaa~! I know just what you need. You are going to simply adore it, I am certain!

I said I'm not going to smile for you. Are you not listening or are you simply incapable of processing the words as the meaningful statement they are? Besides, look at me.

[He points a finger at his face.]

I have bags under my eyes, my hair goes every fucking direction it wants, and I have a presumably short lifespan to begin with. I do not give one single fuck about wrinkles, premature or otherwise.

For the record, yes I have anger inside me, but it is not pent up. Do you really think I'm the kind of troll who doesn't let that out? Have you even paid attention to this conversation?

Your idea is probably shit, but I'm sure you'll tell me it anyway.

Of course I am listening!

[She's just not letting your crabby self get to her, that's all. Rarity giggles.]

But, come no. Don't be so hard on yourself. There are plenty of ways to go about fixing that~

But of course I'm not going to tell you just yet. That would ruin the surprise!

I'm not being hard on myself! Rarity, you have not seen the kind of hate I can unleash on myself, and you never will because the best means of demonstration aren't present where we are now. What I have said now is nothing even like that.

[He had arguments with his own past and future selves via time-crossing computer memos. Repeatedly.]

If you refuse to tell me, then I refuse to go through with any of it or even let you surprise me.

I hope I should never have to see you unleash such hatred upon yourself! You are much too precious for that. Oh, just look at those adorable horns of yours~ Why, I could even just pinch your cheeks off!

[Lalala~ Nope. Can't change her mind. Rarity's ~~wrath~~ love has been set into motion.]

Not another word! My mind has been made up! You'll love it; just trust me on that!

How do your teeth not simultaneously rot out of your speech gash with all that sugary drivel you're spewing? Do not call me adorable, do not call me precious, and keep your hooves away from my face. You don't even have opposable grasping prongs, so how could you pinch anything?

Also, fuck that. I'm not doing it, whatever it is. You can't force me to go along with something I neither agree to nor even know what it is.

Whatever do you mean? I can hold things just fine. And if I happen to be tied up, I always have my horn to assist me.

[Speaking of which, it glows a pale blue!]

And it will assist me when I prepare your surprise~

Then I don't know how, because the week I was stuck as a pegasus pony I kept having to stomp at shit awkwardly until it did what I wanted.

[Yeah. That happened. He does perk up when he spots the glow.]

Okay, explain that to me. What's the horn for and why is it shining like one of those bizarre nocturnal lumination devices you diurnals use?

[Nightlight. He means nightlight.]

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