caughtinanetwork | 033 ♋ [TEXT]

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033 ♋ [TEXT]

CONSIDERING THE COURSE OF EVENTS IN RELATION TO THE CURRENT CURSE
IT WOULD PROBABLY BE BEST TO MAKE WHAT USE OF IT THERE CAN BE
SO CONSIDER THIS A SORT OF PSA.
IF YOU'VE GOT STUFF ON YOUR CHEST INVOLVING ME, NOW IS PROBABLY THE TIME TO TALK AND UNLOAD IT.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND FILTERING MESSAGES UNLESS YOU WANT ANY EMBARRASSING CONFESSIONS TO BE FREE TO THE PROBING SIGHT ORGANS OF WHOSOEVER WANTS TO PEEP ON PRIVATE FUCKING CONVERSATIONS.
ADDITIONALLY, ANYONE WHO ATTEMPTS TO USE THIS AS AN ATTEMPT TO EMBARRASS THE SHIT OUT OF ME WILL RECEIVE ZERO ANSWER, AND FUCK YOU FOR YOUR TROUBLE.
OTHERWISE HAVE AT IT, ASSHOLES.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

YOU KNOW, IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.
SOCIETY IS FUCKED UP BY TELLING YOU TO LOOK DOWN ON ANYONE WITH A SHADE FROM INDIGO THROUGH RED.
YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT ON ALTERNIA YOU WOULD SOONER BE EXPECTED TO CULL MY SORRY ASS THAN PITY ME FOR ANYTHING.
WE BOTH FUCKING KNOW I HAVE CRAZY LEVELS OF PATIENCE TO HAVE MADE IT THROUGH THE ROUGHER MOMENTS OF OUR MOIRALLEGIANCE
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR SUPPOSED ROYAL STANDING TO MAKE THIS WORK.
HOW THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO KEEP YOUR FRIENDS?
ASIDE FROM FEFERI THE HEMOSPECTRUM WOULD PUT THE REST OF US ALL BELOW YOU
AND THE FACT THAT YOU HATE SOME OF US IS NOT JUSTIFICATION.
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
YOU WOULDN'T BE "GROWING SOFT"
YOU WOULD BE ACTING LIKE A DECENT FUCKING PERSON
AND BETTER THAN MOST TROLLS OF YOUR CASTE EVER WOULD BE.
AND FOR HOWEVER MUCH I PITY YOU I'M NOT GOING TO GO EASY ABOUT THIS.
YOU WILL HAVE TO WORK HARD.
YOU WILL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HOW DIFFICULT IT IS.
AND YES
I KNOW THAT GOES FOR ME TOO ABOUT OPENING UP.
YOU KNOW I LOVE ROMANCE SO OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THAT
ESPECIALLY IN A FLUSHED ROMANCE.
IT'S A TRUST THING
AND MAYBE THE WHOLE BLOOD ISSUE MAKES IT HARDER
IT DEFINITELY DOES
BUT I WANT TO LEARN TO TRUST THAT PITY SO LONG AS YOU LEARN TO RESPECT ALL BLOOD COLORS.
I WANT TO HAVE THAT SORT OF MATESPRITSHIP
WHERE WE CAN BE COMPLETELY OPEN AND TRUSTING OF EACH OTHER
AND NOT HAVE TO FEAR BEING WEAK BECAUSE WE WOULD KNOW WE'D BE PITIED FOR IT.
SO
YEAH, IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT ON BOTH SIDES.

kar i knoww that im just sayin you cant just expect me to all of a sudden change my ideas an vvalues at the drop of a fuckin hat
im wworkin on it kar i AM an me bein wwith you me feelin this wway for you an not doin wwhat our society wwould fuckin expect a me should showw that enough
the fact i DO havve friends wwith landdwwellers should also showw that
but evven so its still hard
and givvin up my royal standin
kar i feel like if id do that id lose wwhat makes me wworth anythin wwhat makes me important
fuck
kar this is a lot to ask an im not sayin i wwont but ill need time before i can really get behind this
i mean alternia isnt evven a thing so i dont get wwhy id necessarily need to givve up my royal standin
fuckin fuck i dont wwant to givve it up its important to me but i dont wwant it to cause problems for us
it
it wwont kar it wwont cause any fuckin problems

[There's a pause, because shit if this isn't hard or causing a lot of conflicting emotions. Because, to be royalty means that Eridan is special, above others, it makes him feel better, like he isn't just like everyone else--but to be royalty also means he's above Karkat, that he shouldn't BE with Karkat and god this is so hard.]

fuck i wwant to be completely open too an ill wwork on this
ill wwork hard
but i WWILL get frustrated
i WWILL get fed up from time to time
i WWILL think about givvin up sometimes i hate to admit that but its not like i got much of a choice wwith this curse but kar evven if i think about it it doesnt mean i wwill
doesnt mean wwhat wwe havve doesnt mean much to me
it does
it means so much to me
just be fair to me an patient because this is NOT easy for me or for anyone of my caste
so just understand that kar i wwant this to wwork an itll take fuckin time i knoww that an you obvviously knoww that too
i dont evven knoww wwhere im goin wwith this just i knoww ill fuck up
i did wwith our moirallegiance an i knoww i wwill wwith this but fuckin goddamnit kar i really wwant to provve i mean this i wwanna provve that i wwant this but like you said i wwill havve to wwork hard so all i ask is that youre there wwith me durin it ok
dont givve up on me evven if i can be a fuckin shitty troll an a fuckin awwful brinesucker
i dont think i could handle losin you

THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO PLANET ANYMORE IS PART OF THE REASON, MORON
AND THE OTHER PART IS THAT EVERY ONE OF US SHOULD BE FUCKING EQUAL.
I'LL GIVE YOU TIME AND BE AS PATIENT AS I CAN MANAGE
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO STAY WITH YOU IN THE END IF YOU DON'T.
IF YOU HAVE WORTH
IF ANYONE HAS WORTH
IT'S IN WHO THEY FUCKING ARE AND WHAT THEY CAN DO
NOT WHAT A FUCKED UP SOCIETY SAYS ABOUT SOMETHING AS ARBITRARY AS THEIR BLOOD COLOR.
IT WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS
BECAUSE IT WOULD IMPLICATE ME BEING LOWER THAN YOU
ALONG WITH DAMN NEAR EVERYONE ELSE!
I WANT YOU TO PITY ME BUT NOT BECAUSE YOU FUCKING LOOK DOWN ON ME AS A MUTANT
WHICH IS WHAT YOU WOULD BE DOING OTHERWISE.
DON'T EVEN ARGUE THAT.
I KNOW YOU PITY ME ENOUGH TO EVEN HAVE A QUADRANT WITH ME
THAT YOU VALUE ME ENOUGH TO BE CLOSE AT ALL
TO NOT KILL ME
BUT YOU WOULD STILL BE LOOKING DOWN ON ME AS SOMETHING LESSER IF YOU KEEP UP THAT ROYAL BULLSHIT.
I NEVER FUCKING ONCE CARED ABOUT YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR BLOOD OR CLASS OR FINS OR ANYTHING THAT SETS YOU WHERE ALTERNIA DID
I DID IT BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE
AND I WANT YOU TO FUCKING SEE THAT.
JUST WORK WITH ME, AND LISTEN TO ME, AND FUCKING TRY EVEN THOUGH IT'S HARD FOR YOU.
JUST UNDERSTAND THAT AS MUCH AS I WANT TO KEEP YOU
IF YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT VIEW, I'LL WIND UP WANTING TO GIVE UP, MYSELF.
IT FUCKING SCARES ME THAT I DON'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT I CAN TRUST YOU TO DO IT IN THE END.

[Good job on that one, curse.]

BUT I AM GIVING YOU THIS CHANCE ANYWAY
SO PLEASE
*PLEASE*
DO NOT WASTE IT.

Edited 2012-01-13 01:08 (UTC)

[That hurts to read. The fact that Karkat doesn't know if Eridan can do it, but it probably hurts the most because... Eridan doesn't know if he can. It also kind of hurts that for them to continue to be a thing, he's going to have to change and quite drastically, and if he fails to, he'll be alone. Hadn't he changed enough? He's hardly violent anymore, he's calmed quite a bit and he hardly ever uses any blood-slurs anymore, doesn't even view Karkat any differently for his blood--he really never has. But it just feels like it's not enough, like it won't be enough unless he changes to have the EXACT views Karkat does--and he knows that won't happen, knows he can't morally be a carbon copy of Karkat or his ancestor. Karkat is asking him to be tolerant to the lower castes and he can understand that considering the implications, but... To give up his status, the thing he hides behind from his insecurities, much like Karkat does with his grey text, granted, Karkat having a tad more reason to hide, is probably going to be one of the most difficult things Eridan will ever have to do--if he does.]

[The only comfort is the fact karkat isn't rushing this, but Eridan isn't stupid, he knows there's an unvoiced time limit. One that's the length of Karkat's own tolerance to how quickly he can kick this conditioned way of thinking to the curb. It scares Eridan, because as much as he may want to, he doesn't know if he'll ever completely get rid of it, as much as he doesn't necessarily live by the hemospectrum like a guide to life, it IS there. The prejudice, the elitism, it's there and it's definitely second nature to him. Not something to easily over come in a few weeks or even a few months, even after the six months of moirallegiance, he still has bad habits, his thoughts aren't completely changed, he's more trust worthy, most definitely, but there's still that danger, he's still a highblood, he's still a seadweller, he is still capable of what he's done before.]

[Just the likelihood has decreased significantly, but it's there and it always will be there. He knows and recognizes this, which is why he's scared that he'll ultimately fail Karkat. Lose Karkat. And he knows he won't be able to take that. He pities him way too much.]

[It takes him a long while to respond, because to be honest? His emotions are going rampant. Worry, guilt, frustration, anger--which the ladder two make him feel even worse, because he knows he should expect this, knows this was going to come to pass. But he can't help it. If he could, he probably wouldn't have made half the regrettable decisions he has.]

kar i wwont make you any bullshit promises on account that if i do fail you it wwont hurt you so bad
wwell ok fine
ill make ONE promise one i knoww i CAN keep an thats that i promise ill try my hardest
for you
for US
i dont knoww if i can or not either an its not only you that it scares because wwell i think ivve givven you enough wwhinin about howw i dont wwant to lose you but ultimately i dont knoww if ill disappoint you or not
i dont wwant to but that doesnt count for shit in the long run i guess
kar i lovve you alright i really really fuckin do i mean it wwith all my collapsin an expandin bladder based aquatic vvascular system kar so dont think im not tryin to meet your expectations i am
i just knoww im pretty goddamn savvvvy in fuckin myself ovver an screwwin shit up
i couldnt evven meet the expectations of a seadwweller wwhat wwith my self sabotaged plans a killin all landdwwellers
so im certain ill fuck this up somehoww too evven if i try not to

[Fuck this curse and making him announce his self doubts, he's pretty sure this is the OPPOSITE of comforting for Karkat. God fucking damnit!]

godDAMNIT im just makin this wworse fuck
sorry

I LOVE YOU TOO AND I KNOW I'VE HELPED YOU CHANGE
BUT SOMETIMES I RESENT WHAT YOU'VE DONE
AND THAT I CAN'T CHANGE YOU THROUGH PURE FORCE OF WILL.

[There goes the curse again. Karkat curls in on himself where he's sitting, stare at the communicator, thinking.]

YOU HAVE FUCKED UP MAJORLY IN THE PAST.
YOU HAVE DONE UNBELIEVABLY TERRIBLE THINGS.
IT STILL FUCKING HURTS SOMETIMES.
BUT I'VE SEEN YOU IMPROVE, TOO
AND THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE THAT WILL TO TRY
THAT YOU'VE DONE THAT AT ALL
THAT'S WHY EVEN IF I CAN'T PUT 100% TRUST IN THIS WHOLE CRAZY THING, I STILL HAVE THAT CRAZY THING CALLED HOPE.
I WANT YOU TO PROVE MY DOUBTS WRONG.
I DON'T WANT TO BE WRONG MYSELF FOR PITYING YOU.

and as much as it hurts to hear that
that you still resent me in some wways i cant honestly blame you
an as much as id like to be your perfect imagine of a troll
i knoww i cant evver be wwith wwhats been done
but i can try
ill do wwhat i can kar i dont wwant you to feel wwrong for pityin me
i dont wwant to let ya dowwn thats the last thing i wwant to do
youre the last troll i evver wwant feelin like im a huge wwaste a time an a fuckin disappointment
the vvery fact you havve givven me this chance means a wwhole fuckin lot and is a great reason as to WWHY i evver havve put forth the fuckin effort i havve towwards changin an doin anythin a the sort wwhen it comes to actin more agreeable an not as horribly despicable as i could be
i havve been
so thanks thanks for the hope an faith in me evven if its not dowwnright 100% its still more than wwhat i probably fuckin deservve

AT THE SAME TIME
ALL THIS
YOU TRYING
YOU KNOWING THAT YOU'VE MADE MISTAKES, AND THAT YOU GENUINELY REGRET THEM
THAT YOU'RE LEARNING AND GROWING AS A TROLL, AS A PERSON
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE THIS.
YOU HAVE FUCKED UP INCREDIBLY MUCH IN THE PAST AND THERE'S NO DENYING THAT
BUT YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO FIX IT
AND HAVE BEEN FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS.
IT'S WHY I PITIED YOU ENOUGH TO GO PALE
AND EVERYTHING ELSE
WHEN THAT PARTY HAPPENED AND I LET MYSELF THINK AFTER IT
THAT'S WHY I WAXED FLUSHED.
SO I WANT TO HOPE
I WANT YOU TO PROVE YOURSELF.
I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THIS.

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