caughtinanetwork

[The video turns on to bright, light grey, clouds; the only barrier between the sun and the beach. Raindrops fall onto the camera, but they're wiped off by the owner of the SFC, one vampire who's currently standing dressed only in an open button-down and loose, low-hanging jeans that are rolled up to above his knees, calf-deep in the ocean as the rain falls steadily from the sky.

Apparently, he likes to live on the edge with those clouds.]

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.” Charles Dickens, Great Expectations.

Back home, I've heard it said that God is in the rain just as He is in the sun's rays...

[So, then, why is it only the sun that burns?]

Rain is grace; rain is the sky condescending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life...and yet, people hide away from the rain and seek shelter inside and curse nature for ruining their bright and sunny day. Why?

[Finally he turns a small, vaguely sad, smirk to the camera.]

What about all of you? What are your qualms with the rain? Does it have any sort of significance for you personally or back home? Or is it just the thing that hides the sun from your face~?

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[Maybe because there's nothing about this that's particularly funny.]

You're not a monster, Johnny. I know that, and you know it too if you actually take a moment to think about it. Everyone's life is automatically valuable, and I wouldn't argue that you've been remotely wasting yours.

I'm not going to hit you, but I don't like seeing you hurt.

[Ky lets him take the drink, then he holds out his hand for the bottle. It seems like Johnny has had more than enough.]

[He waves a hand as if to dismiss Ky's words, though his eyes still haven't left the waves.]

I know, I know. That's what everyone's saying. You, Jacob, Katsu, Otoha, Serph, Sola...everyone. Heh..even Crowley doesn't hate me because of what I am, only who I am.

[He takes another swig, but then hands the bottle to Ky.]

When it first started...I thought it was a fluke. But then everyone thought the same thing and I....well, usually, if you ignore something long enough, it goes away~

But it hasn't.

[He sighs and his voice evens out in a display of honesty he'll regret when he's sober.]

I've been alive for seven hundred years...no one's ever seen anything but a monster and it was easier to wish I was dead than to search for something to live for...but it's fine. I'm used to that. This...this is different, I don't know....

[What was he supposed to do when people expected him to be human and take care of himself, if not for him, then for them...]?]

[Ky studies the bottle while Johnny continues to talk, clearly attributing at least some of Johnny's train of thoughts to it. Still, he looks back at Johnny as soon as he starts to trail off.]

You don't need to justify your existence in order to have it. Live because you're alive, it doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.

[The crusades had killed so many people, and when Ky had gone searching for a reason why he lived while his parents did not, or why over half of the other orphans who had been at the same church as him before he joined the Sacred Order had lost contact with the church for one reason or another. For why he'd commanded soldiers to their deaths while he'd lived. Thinking too hard on that had never seemed to help, because there wasn't really anything that could be said on the subject of why beyond the fact that it had happened.]

Work and fight because you want to make the world a better place, not because you need it in order to feel alright about who you are.

[Ky tips the bottle over then, letting the vodka fall out of it and onto the ground.]

It's not good to live for the people you want to protect -- for the friends you have -- but you can be happy for them.

[He lets out a slightly bitter laugh.]

"Live until you start to think 'I don't want to die.'"

[He'd told a lot of people that...but he knew he was a hypocrite for it. He shook his head, thinking about something else Ky had said instead.]

I try. I try to be happy for them. I always try to make sure I'm smiling for them because people would rather see a smile than a frown....plus, no one really wants to ask 'what's wrong?' So if I smile all the time, then they won't have to.

...and yet...people still get upset with me even when I smile.

[Ky knows he's not the right person to give this sort of advice, not when he can't say that he has many friends, and even less people who care if he's happy. There have always been people who care if he's upset, but that was far more, he's sure, because he was their commanding officer and it's never a good thing to have to their commanding officer seem to be suffering from a lack of confidence. From that perspective, then, he had learned to smile when he was grieving inside, to nod and say he was fine when all that meant was that he was capable of continuing. Nothing about the war ending had changed that, since he'd entered the police force, and nothing about being in Vatheon has really changed it either.]

Perhaps, when they know you're doing it because you think you have to, it would be better not to frown, but not to force a smile either. People probably don't want you lying to them if they ask, "How are you?", for instance.

Almost everyone lies with that question, Ky~

If I asked you 'how are you' you'd say 'fine' or something like that even if you weren't.

[He shakes his head, this isn't the point.]

I just want them to be happy. You and Serph and Sola and Maddie, and Otoha and....well..and everyone.

Maybe not all the time, that's impossible, but as often as is possible.

If I weren't fine I would just...try to avoid the question. Most people don't ask because they want you to lie. At least not here.

And I want you to be happy. And I'd imagine so does everyone else. Don't think me so self-centered that what you're going through doesn't matter to me.

It's...not that I think you're self-centred....I just don't want to bother you with it~

Mmm....it is nice to hear that you care about my happiness, though~ You know, that's what friends do~~

I'm telling you right now that I'd prefer you to bother me with it than to keep it all to yourself. Or would you disregard my desires with regards to this?

[Ky has enough of an understanding of friendship to have no problem calling himself someone's friend, but he doesn't necessarily understand or accept all the feelings that that might entail.]

Then let me be your friend.

I've always considered you my friend...

I....I'll try to keep that in mind. I'm just not used to...[Talking to people or sharing feelings when he doesn't want to...even having someone who actually cares about him was new.]

I'll try.

[Ky really doesn't know about always, but they'll figure it out, won't they?]

I'm not giving up on you, so you don't really have anything to do but try.

[Ky can be plenty stubborn when he wants, even if the other aspects of social interaction are still things he's working out.]

[He ran a hand through his hair, mind torn between complacency and argument. No. This wasn't the way things were supposed to go....at least it didn't make sense.]

...I don't understand, Ky. I don't understand why you or anyone else would try to change me. Seven hundred years and no one has....I just don't get it.

I wish I did.

Trust me, it's far more confusing to me why over that seven hundred years no one tried to help. You're a good person, inside, that much is glaringly obvious.

That's the only reason I need.

[He's silent for a while, the alcohol already pretty much gone from his system. Then he sighs and offers a small smile to Ky.]

Thanks. I hope I can live up to this perception you and everyone else has.

[Ky takes the smile as an excuse to reciprocate it.]

I have confidence that you can.

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