caughtinanetwork

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[The video turns on to bright, light grey, clouds; the only barrier between the sun and the beach. Raindrops fall onto the camera, but they're wiped off by the owner of the SFC, one vampire who's currently standing dressed only in an open button-down and loose, low-hanging jeans that are rolled up to above his knees, calf-deep in the ocean as the rain falls steadily from the sky.

Apparently, he likes to live on the edge with those clouds.]

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.” Charles Dickens, Great Expectations.

Back home, I've heard it said that God is in the rain just as He is in the sun's rays...

[So, then, why is it only the sun that burns?]

Rain is grace; rain is the sky condescending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life...and yet, people hide away from the rain and seek shelter inside and curse nature for ruining their bright and sunny day. Why?

[Finally he turns a small, vaguely sad, smirk to the camera.]

What about all of you? What are your qualms with the rain? Does it have any sort of significance for you personally or back home? Or is it just the thing that hides the sun from your face~?

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[Absconding to the kitchen, Sola lets out a small breath after the door closes behind him, bringing his hands to where he can see them and flex the fingers to make sure they're still there. The feeling is already fading, which offers some small comfort. The little bits of shadow stop floating over his fingers and they become more solid again, sending pins and needles as feeling to make him wince but also utter a quiet sigh of relief.

He should probably tell someone... but maybe it will go away on its own and he doesn't want people to worry. He's worried people enough already. Still, no use dwelling on it. Sola makes his way to the counter, thinking that maybe he'll make that soup he mentioned before, but just as he begins rummaging for bowls, a sheaf of paper catches his eye.

He knows he probably shouldn't read it. It's Johnny's, it's in his kitchen, it's obviously not for Sola to see, but he can't help himself as curious as he is. It takes him a little while to get through it as he's not strictly the fastest reader, but in the span of several long minutes Sola's heart feels as if in a vice and he nearly wishes for the numbness in his fingers again rather than having seen this. That pain would be easier.

I love you. I'll be waiting.

Is that why Johnny had poisoned himself up on the beach? Why he'd seemed to be waiting for the clouds to part and burn him to ashes? Being without the one you love - the one you actually love, that pain Sola also knows.

And what does that mean for them? That Johnny lied when he'd said he was happy? That he only went along with Sola's confession because the person he truly wanted to be with wasn't there...?

He can't do this. He can't be here. Suddenly all he wants to do is run away, hide somewhere until maybe he didn't have to hurt. Maybe that numbness from before would just spread everywhere. It should be that way anyway, right? He's a shadow, a replacement, he doesn't get to have these things.

He just thought he was more than that to Johnny...

Angry, upset, and ashamed at his own ability to fool himself, Sola flees from the kitchen and heads for the door, not even looking at Johnny as he rushes past in his haste to escape.

The letter he'd simply dropped, leaving it to float to the floor in the doorway of the kitchen.]

[Johnny had been expecting to hear the sounds of Sola messing around in the kitchen but the silence was unnerving. Consequently when his boyfriend went tearing past, Johnny was on his feet in seconds, blanket forgotten on the couch.]

Sola!

[He was across the room in seconds, hand wrapping around Sola's wrist.]

Wait. What's wrong?

[He twists his wrist in Johnny's grip, trying very hard not to look at the vampire, wanting to just go and get it over with.]

You lied!

[He wants it to sound angry but his voice won't cooperate, only hurt and upset coming through in a quivering tone.]

You said you were happy, but you lied! You wouldn't stand outside in the day or drink poison if you were! A-and you-

You love someone else!

[He tries to struggle away again but his hand just won't slip out of Johnny's long fingers.]

They love you and they're waiting for you but you can't leave so you're just- Just using me, right? Because I'm-

[He hiccups and pulls his hat over his eyes, back to Johnny and still turning his wrist desperately to escape.]

Because I'm a replacement!

What are you talking about?

[It made no sense, where did this come from? They'd been fine and now Sola was trying to run away from him.

His mind raced, trying to think of what could have put Sola on this thought process...then it really registered what he said. 'They love you and they're waiting for you.']

The letter.

[He pulled Sola towards him and wrapped long arms around the smaller body, holding him close, and intent on keeping him there no matter if he struggled or hit Johnny or what.]

I'm not using you, Sola. I would never....and you're not a replacement. That's impossible.

[Sola nearly makes good his escape when Johnny let's go of his wrist in favor of a hug but he doesn't manage to move quite fast enough. Honestly he's not sure he wants to. He wants Johnny to make it better, to tell him he's misunderstood, that no one's waiting and there's some other reason for the vampire's recklessness, but he can't reconcile it with the emptiness in the pit of his stomach, how betrayed and discarded he feels just by thinking that he's only here in Johnny's arms because someone else can't be.]

How is it impossible?! It says he loves you, doesn't it?!

[He tries to duck out of Johnny's embrace, push against him with his fists, squirm and flail until he's finally convinced it's hopeless and slumps forward over the vampire's arms, tears rolling down his cheeks in angry tracks.]

Just let me go.

No, I won't. I can't.

[And it surprised him to realize he meant that more than Sola probably realized. He couldn't let Sola go...the Hylian had broken through Johnny's defences and the vampire didn't want to know what it would be like if that space was suddenly empty.

Though...if Sola really wanted to get away from Johnny, the vampire wouldn't stop him. But he couldn't let him go like this, he needed to explain first. Or..try to.]

It's not possible because you're not him and you couldn't replace him if you tried no more than anyone else could replace you if I lost you.

[He sighs, eyes glued to the wall as he tried to sort out thoughts and feelings.]

You're right...he did say that he loved me..and he did say he was waiting for me...but...He'll move on. He has to. I'm not waiting for him.

He went home and I've already told you I have no interest in leaving here.

Y-you're not?

[He barely dares to hope, glancing back at Johnny as he pulls his hat back up from over his eyes, leaving his hair disheveled.]

...but... what if he comes back?

[There's a look of sadness that he doesn't bother to hide. If he was going to be honest, he'd be honest about all the aspects; of course this hurt.]

It wouldn't matter. For better or worse...we don't work here.

When he was here...things weren't the same; it wasn't good for either of us. If he showed back up, that wouldn't change.

[It hurt to think about, to think things had gotten so close with Chris and then to watch them fall apart in the only place Johnny had actually been happy..

His hold tightened ever so slightly as if he was afraid Sola would disappear from his arms as Chris had disappeared from his life.]

I won't leave you.

[I won't leave you.

It's comforting, a little, but it's... it's not what he wants to hear.

Sola's not the most perceptive. In fact, he rarely notices the details, but he keeps listening for a real denial, a real statement that Johnny doesn't love Charley, that he does love Sola, and he's not hearing it explicitly.

But he still doesn't try to struggle anyway anymore. Instead he just... hangs, sort of limp in Johnny's arms as if exhausted. Really he is exhausted, drained of energy from his failed attempts at pushing out of Johnny's embrace, from the numbness he'd fought off earlier, all of it. Childishly he just wishes it would go back to how it was, that he'd never seen the letter. If he hadn't, he wouldn't even have thought of all this...

His voice is weak and plaintive, again not meeting Johnny's eyes when he speaks.]

But you won't say you don't love him, even if it won't work.

[Johnny's quiet a moment, thinking.

How was he supposed to say this? He couldn't even put his feelings into words himself.

Before he came here...he loved Charley...as a person, as a son...everything. But with him here...it was just awkward and heartbreaking. Here he couldn't love Chris. But that didn't mean Johnny had never loved him.]

There will always be a part of me that loves him...but that doesn't mean I don't love you.

But I don't...

[He takes a shaky breath, not wanting to fight anymore. He's exhausted. His energy has been dipping lately anyway and coupling that with the emotional ringer he's been through, he simply doesn't have it in him anymore to struggle. He wants Johnny, he needs Johnny. Charley isn't here and Johnny says he loves Sola ...what does it matter, then?

But somehow it does matter. It matters how much that love is, it matters if there's a chance that if Charley reappeared in the bubble that Sola would lose his matesprit. Johnny says he won't, but...

He hangs there in Johnny's arms, almost weightless, still refusing to make any eye contact.]

Do... do you love me more?

[Johnny knew how much he was holding Sola up both with his words and his arms. More than anything, the weight of these feelings and thoughts wanted to crush him, but he stayed standing; he had to...for Sola.

Did he love Sola more than Charley? At one time he wouldn't have needed to pause....but things had changed. So much had changed in so little time that the vampire's mind was still left reeling with it.

He couldn't think.

Charley was his child...and might have been his partner..one day. But here, in Vatheon, in Johnny's home, he couldn't be...there was something missing. And Johnny didn't intend to leave his home.

Besides....Sola was his light.

The dove to his pigeon.]

Yes...

[It was the truth. Time would see to that.]

[Any remaining tension leaves Sola at that one word. He latches onto it like a beacon, turning himself in Johnny's arms to hide his face against his matesprit's chest. He's so scared, so worried, so utterly drained that even though he's still unsure, even though all of these irritating and unfathomable feelings are still whirling at the back of his mind, all he really wants right now is for Johnny to hold him, kiss his forehead, and tell him everything is alright now.]

[Johnny felt the change even before Sola turned to face him and he felt a tightness in his chest.

For a moment he'd thought he'd loose something important. But, by some miracle, he hadn't.

It was too much. Everything was too much and, to be honest, he couldn't think anymore. He finally crumpled, using the wall for support, and gently pulled on Sola to get him to follow and sit in the vampire's lap so Johnny could keep his arms around him.]

[And suddenly Sola finds himself curled in Johnny lap instead of standing in the hall. Comfortable though it may be, especially in his fatigue, Sola still looks up at Johnny in concern with his cheek still resting against the vampire's chest.]

Are you okay? You look tired...

[He shifts a little, curling against his matesprit wearily. Johnny's not the only one...]

Maybe we should both take a nap.

[The vampire keeps his arms securely around Sola, his head tilted forward and his eyes closed.

He could fall asleep like this, Sola safely in his arms and leaned against the wall like they were. His mind just needed a break and this felt so warm and peaceful.]

that's cause I am....and you're right, a nap sounds nice.

[A small smirk.]

Though, the bed's so far...

[The Hylian's own voice is a little fainter as his eyes begin to drop closed, warm ensconced where he is in Johnny's lap. Even with what they'd talked about, Sola still feels safe and loved and that's really all he feels he needs.]

Let's just sleep here, then.

[Why not, if they're both comfortable?]

[At one point during their nap, Minea had come by and wrapped a blanket around them, making them extra warm.

Still, that didn't keep the chill from settling on the vampire's skin and a shiver ran through his spine as he, unwillingly, drifted up from sleep.

There was an itching at his nose and he was vaguely aware that that meant something but he couldn't think of what...

...until it hit him full force and he jerked awake with a sneeze.]

Owww....

[Since when was he feeling this miserable? He didn't feel this terrible when they went to sleep.

[The sneeze startles Sola awake too and he jerks his head up to look at his matesprit.]

Are you okay?

[Yep. Absolutely miserable. It was like someone flipped a switch in his system from 'healthy' to sick.' He gave a small groan and hung his head.]

I think I'm sick.

I hate being sick..

Really?

[He knows he should be worried, but being sick is something that his shows have always been very clear about when there's a couple and to be honest he's excited at the prospect of taking care of Johnny. Which explains the big grin and his next words.]

That's great!

[....wat? Johnny's head snaps up and he gives a mixed look of hurt and confusion with a dash of incredulousness.]

You think it's great I get to suffer? People have died from getting sick, ya know!

[Yep. He's just going to pout ~~and wibble~~ now.]

I didn't mean that!

[The Hylian climbs to his feet and turns towards his matesprit.]

I just mean I know what to do! I can take care of you.

[He smiles and holds his hand down to Johnny.]

You won't die, I promise. I'll tuck you in and make you soup and everything.

Take care of...

[He takes Sola's hand and uses the wall to help himself stand, though the movement causes a little bit of light-headedness.]

...you're going to take care of me?

[The last time he'd been sick no one had been there or been interested in taking care of him...it had been so long since he'd been 'nursed back to health' that it was almost like new.]

Of course! I don't want you to be miserable. And besides, that's what couples do, is take care of each other.

[He smiles broadly and pulls Johnny's arm around his shoulder so the vampire can lean on him if he needs to, height difference notwithstanding. He starts them towards the bedroom he'd seen ajar earlier, careful to keep his own free arm around Johnny's waist so he doesn't fall from dizziness.]

First you should get in bed, then I'll make some soup and take your temperature, okay? Do you have a thermometer?

[You always need a thermometer if you're sick!]

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