caughtinanetwork | [Video] In which Smoker tries to cook but Sanji takes over

[Here's a rare face of the almost hermit of a marine. He's smoking as much as ever, two cigars at a time, and he appears to be in a kitchen making... ice cream?]

So I overdid my recipe and I have a ton extra ingredients. And I don't want to waste it, so does anyone want some ice cream? If you have the recipe I'll make a different flavor. [If you think this is strange, it's called tsundere. Also it's about to get stranger.]

[Because Sanji chooses that exact moment to wander into the kitchen, also smoking, though he's only got one cigarette dangling at the edge of his mouth. He's absently scratching the back of his head and sounds almost bored when he speaks.]

Oi, shitty cigar man, think I'm gonna make sushi for lunch, you want anythi—

[He stops suddenly, seeing the mess in ~~Smoker's~~ HIS kitchen (and if there's not really a mess, well, there's shit out and some kinda food being made and it's not by Sanji's hands, ergo...mess), and his entire demeanor changes in 0.2 seconds.]

The hell are you doing?!

[Smoker looks incredibly annoyed and points to the ice cream supplies.] Cooking. In my kitchen. [A stubborn arm fold. Aw no, shit's about to get real.]

[Sanji just snorts, because your kitchen? Oh Smoker.] Tch, stopped being yours the second I moved in. [He stomps over, eyeing the ingredients.] Ice cream? [Then he spots the SFC, and promptly shoots Smoker an incredulous look.]

Are you recording yourself making ice cream? What, starting some kinda shitty cooking program?

Oi, who the hell said you could move in? [Smoker's distracted with flushing again though, and he shakes his head, mumbling.] No, I just made too much.... Shut up! [And with that he storms out. Defeated by his own tsun.]

[Raises an eyebrow as he watches him go, mostly just kind of amused.] That idiot... [Checks out the ingredients again, and you know, there really is a lot left. And Smoker just left it all out. Sanji's not about to let anything go to waste, and hey, the shitty starfish is still recording, right?

So he gets all up in the thing's camera, grinning like a moron.]

Good afternoon, beautiful ladies of Vatheon~! Seems I've got all the supplies here for ice cream sundaes! [Clasps his hands together up by his face.] Or perhaps you'd all like to come over for a romantic candlelight dinner first?? [SMOLDERING LOOK.] We can have dessert later~

[But that look doesn't last long, because the idea of any women coming over sets Sanji off twirling around, spewing hearts and babbling randomness like "MELLORINE, MEEEELLORINE~!" annnd that's too much for even the SFC to deal with, so the video feed thankfully cuts off!]

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[Sitting off in the couch to the side, Smoker cranes his head over the back and makes an "ixnay" gesture.]

Caterwauling you mean. And yeah, the idiot pirate does that. [GRUMPS FOREVER.]

[Um. Also. Yes. So boyfriend, meet pirate trespasser, ero-cook meet boyfriend? Whatever Smoker doesn't do introductions. Also none of this explains why there's a pirate in his kitchen.]

Killing a cat would sound better than that.

[He sighs and comes over to him, running his fingers through his hair.]

Sorry for intrudin' on your... whatever this is, but I came for ice cream.

[Leaning over the couch, and patting his cheek lightly.]

I'm strategically plotting how to get it back from the pirate's blockade.

[HE SAYS SO SERIOUSLY.]

[BTW Grit, you could probably just go grab it.]

...You know, I think you could probably lift him and move him away.

[Seriously.

And he's trolling you first.]

He knows haki and I don't want to deal with those kicks.

[ACTUALLY he doesn't know haki yet, but Smoker is forgetting timelines.]

Go for the legs.

[It's pretty obvious to him.]

Or you could go get your own.

[JUST SAYING.]

He probably won't kick you. [Probably he says.]

Probably, you say. You know, probably is kind of shitty odds.

[He sighs.]

That's like saying you probably won't get shot if you piss off a man with a gun.

Pretend to be a hungry girl.

Sure, yeah that works. Just let me go get my fake breasts.

Wouldn't work. You'd have to shave.

Good point. You do it.

[Nosy McEars over here hears that, and he's immediately butting in on your conversation.]

Wait, I do? Really??

[A head tilt.] Is that supposed to be sarcasm?

No, seriously!

[He's suddenly coming over and vaulting over the back of the couch and—

*push*

*shove*

—he's just gonna make himself comfortable here, sorry dudes, he's not interrupting anything, right?]

I learn how to do haki??

[Excited like a five-year-old.]

[Oh.]

[Fucking.]

[Fuck.]

[Why?]

You're annoying.

Aw, come on, old man!

[Totally not pouting or anything, what?]

Why should you be the only one who has any shitty details about the future? [Pokes him in the shoulder.] Don't be so greedy. You should share.

[Poke poke.]

I'm thirty-six, not old.

Do you really want to know who teaches you haki? [Say no Sanji. Preserve your sanity.]

Nearly twice as old as I am. Well—now. Not in two years.

[lol dear god no, we're not going there. Sanji just waves his question off.]

I don't want to know who, probably not someone I know yet anyway so that wouldn't do me any good. Just curious what all I've learned.

[Pauses, as something very belatedly occurs to him.]

Actually, why were you even around again?

Because your Captain's an idiot. [>:| What. It's true.]

[Well.

...

Actually no, fair enough, Sanji can't even get offended on Luffy's behalf. He CAN be a little relieved, though. Good to know two years hasn't changed all that much, and that apparently despite everything that bastard Kuma did, Sanji will at least end up with Luffy again.

Not that he had any doubts about that, of course. So he just laughs.]

He was stirring up shit again, I guess?

Nope, just found himself in the thick of it.

He answered a distress call. You have to be the only pirates in the world who still do that. It makes you pretty easy to track. [Not that Smoker needs it, but it's fun this way. He likes being stalkery. Aren't you glad?]

Tch, well. Like you said, he's an idiot. What else is new. [Says this fondly, though.]

Can't believe you're still chasing us after two years.

Are you kidding? [After two years he was the one most waiting with bated breath for you idiots to come back D:<]

[No wait, Sanji probably hasn't figured out he might not see his crew for the next two years. Hm.]

[Quick thinking go!]

I asked Kuzan to give me the G-5 base just to be close enough to catch you brats. [Amused snort and leans back on the couch.] I'm pretty sure the only reason they haven't kicked me out yet is that I'm the only one with a good chance at catching your crew.

You should be surprised it's just taking me this long.

[Yeah, he hasn't even entertained that as a possibility yet.]

[Shifts on the couch, leaning back as well and bringing up one knee so that he can drape his arm over it.]

I ain't surprised. Shit, if I can do haki then I'm sure everyone else has gotten a lot stronger, too.

[Takes a long drag of his cigarette, smirking at nothing in particular.]

We must have run into a lot of powerful assholes out there.

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