caughtinanetwork | (no subject)

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[Sola appears on the screen, face puffy and expression desolate. His eyes don't meet the camera as he speaks, low and halting.]

I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry for hurting anyone...

[He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand, sniffling a bit before continuing.]

You won't have to worry about me anymore. I-I won't bother anybody, so... just... forget me. It's better that way.

Zelda, especially, I-I'm sorry I'm not...

[He swallows hard, turning a little further away from the camera.]

I'm sorry I'm not him. I hope he finds you, and that you can be happy. I-I promise, he... he loves you very much.

[He sits there, back to the camera, for an interminable moment, sorrow plain in the hunch of his shoulders. With a small swallow, he turns off the feed.]

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If you're sure, bro. Ain't good to all be keepin' shit bottled up like a shaked up faygo, but you gotta all be going with what feels right.

How do you know what feels right is right, though? I kissed her, I wanted to and it felt right, but after she was really upset and I-I know I shouldn't love her but that feels right too only it also doesn't because she can't love me like I love her.

[Sola takes a very deep breath after that outburst and turns from the camera, trying to get himself back under control. He'd thought he'd cried it out earlier with Signless but apparently his eyes were an unending producer of tears. All he could do was try and stem the tide with his sleeve.]

[It's okay. Gamzee won't say anything about a brother getting their cry on. He had done enough of that today too. Though, for some reason, focusing on Sola's questions takes the edge of the deep well of grief inside of him.]

Ain't no brother what done can tell you that shit. Every motherfucker all gotta get their figure on at what is right for themselves. But I ain't all think it is ever fuckin' wrong to love a motherfucker. Love is all being the most beautiful miracle down in this hood. To have a brother what makes you fuckin' feel that motherfuckin' special... even if they don't all feel those wicked feels for you, I ain't see what so motherfuckin' wrong about that.

Because if I show it she makes this.. face. Like it hurts. [He shakes his head.] I don't want to hurt her, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do ever!

Maybe just let it all gets its settle on down in your pump for a while? If the motherfuckin' miracles are true, they'll wait.

[Clueless blink.

You lost him again, Gamzee.]

Your pump?

[He points at his chest where a heart normally sits.]

You got a pump, right bro? Not that I am all getting up in my judging here if you ain't. That ain't fuckin' cool.

[All these weird aliens. Maybe some of them didn't have a heart! It is a valid concern!]

O-oh! My heart! Yes, I have one, ah... you mean, I should just let things settle down and see what happens?

Yeah. Crack yourself a wicked elixir and just chill back. Things will all turn out fine in the motherfuckin' end.

Like, I all got to feeling those feels for one of my motherfuckin' best sisters once. Got my glad on just to all fuckin' call her in my pan. And she didn't all feel those miracles for me none, but it was cool. I just got my settle down on, and eventually I done did find a bro who could all be returning all the red I got for him.

Uh, you mean... you liked someone who didn't like you before and then when you waited, you found someone else who loved you too?

[Maybe there's hope for Sola's deciphering Gamzee yet.]

But... didn't you still want to be with the girl? If you loved her, I mean.

I guess what I was all feeling up and flew away. It's cool. All I ever fuckin' wanted for her was to be the motherfuckin' happiest she done could be. And she was, I think. She had a bro she really dug too.

And I got my bro what I feel all that for. Ain't always the first peep you go gunning for what is your fuckin' serendipity. Don't mean they can't be all as important to you though.

It's just really hard. I don't know if I can love anyone else, I mean... she's...

[Wonderful? Beautiful? Smart? Perfect?]

...she's Zelda.

I hear ya. Just ain't let it rush, yeah? If the miracles a true, they are gonna be true. Just get your chill on until it all fuckin' does to be falling into place.

[...okay he has to ask.]

You keep using that word. What does that mean?

...which word?

[He uses a lot of words!]

Fuckin? [He says it unabashedly; to him it's just a word, albeit a foreign one.] You keep using it all the time but I don't know what it means.

What is fuckin'? Fuckin'... well, fuckin' is all being one of those motherfuckin' wicked wordnoises what you can all toss into your speaking to make shit sound better.

[Sola tilts his head to the side, mulling that over. Does fuckin' make things sound better? Maybe. He'll have to try it out sometime.]

Must be just from your world, then.

Done heard other motherfuckers use it too, but shit, that's all being what is the beautiful miracle here, right? All to be schoolfeeding other bros on shit from our own fuckin' hoods.

[Talking to Gamzee is really making his head hurt. It's not that Sola doesn't know these words (though some he's never heard) but they're in strange orders that don't make sense with how he learned to speak. And after that mighty tantrum he'd just thrown, Sola really needed a nap anyway.]

Uh.. right. Okay, well.. I think I have to go now...

[No one ever said he was tactful.]

If ya gotta hoof it, you gotta be hoofing it, it's chill, bro.

[He won't keep you here if you don't wanna chat, Sola. He is understanding like that.]

[It's not that he doesn't want to, it's that he's not entirely sure how to communicate with this mysterious creature called Gamzee!]

Uh... right, yeah. Maybe I'll talk to you later.

[And off the SFC goes. What a strange guy. Nice, but strange.]

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It is the most versetile word

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