caughtinanetwork | Sermon Two

[Signless has chosen his location carefully; when he turns on the video function, there's a wall of water behind him, and a school of brightly colored tropical fish swimming past. He's very clearly in the bubble again.]

My friends, today I want to talk to you about fear.

[His voice is low and soothing, his story-telling voice.]

I have known great fear in my time. In my world, the color of my blood was a source of fear, something that drove me into hiding for a long time. Then, when I dreamed of the world that could be, rather than the world that was, I was afraid again... afraid that I would never see what I knew we were capable of come to pass. I was afraid to speak out, afraid to make a ripple in the still, stagnant waters of our society, and tried instead to live my meager little life underneath the notice of the highbloods.

But then I saw what my silence was doing, what those in similar positions were suffering, and I knew I could not stay silent. I could not sit idly by while our world rotted away from its very core, while its corruption bled away the talents and very lives of so many trolls who had done nothing beyond being hatched the wrong color. I could not wait for another to come along and demand change, or I would wait the rest of my life. I needed to cast aside my fear, to find a reserve of strength within me, and rise to what my world needed me to be.

[His voice falls, becoming hushed and soft, almost painfully honest, and he looks down, his cloak hiding his eyes.]

I was terrified. Casting off fear is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Fear is something I knew, its cold comfort as familiar to me as my guardian's face. It would have been... easy to live my entire life in fear, I thought.

[He looks up then, and his eyes are burning, his voice strong once more.]

I thought that fear was a cloak to hide me, but it was a chain I wore around my neck. When the fear was gone, when I made the decision to cast it aside, I have never felt so free in my entire life. It was how I imagine it must feel to wake up one morning with wings, and look out the window into an endless sky. When the fear was gone, I could breathe a deep breath for the first time in my life, and look to the future not as an ominous, foreboding thing, but as a path bathed in light and redemption.

I am not afraid any longer, Vatheon. This is my home now, and it is worth fighting for. I will not be driven out of my home again. I will not let fear control me.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He goes to say something--but gets caught on the fact Feferi's hair is cut. He almost wants to make a comment, but it's hardly appropriate. Man though, who knew Feferi would be so cute with such short hair?]

[That initial surprise aside, he... He has a feeling he knows what she's getting at, and he can't really look her in the eye. Nor can he even find a proper response other than silent compliance. Maybe he will listen to it again, maybe actually listen to what it means, and not necessarily to only what was said.]

I think this is a very good opportunity to have that talk.

[ All things considered she seems very calm, though that might be even more worrying. ]

You know, I think fear and cowardice are very much the same thing?

[She may be right about it being a good opportunity for them to talk, but it doesn't make the situation any easier. Not that Eridan necessarily deserves this to be easy, but it's unrealistic to expect him to not want it.]

... I agree.

[Maybe fear did have something to do with what he did, with how he acted. Fear of being unimportant. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of losing absolutely everything. Fear of dying. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of helplessness. There's so much that went into what he did, into what happened, into the choices he made. Fear, hate, pain, abandonment, the list could go on. None of it excusing it, none of it making up what he did right. He sees that now, sees exactly what the problem was. Even if it wasn't something so heinous by troll standards, with there being so few of them, senseless killing wasn't the answer. Never will be the answer.]

[He looks at her, his expression a mix between him trying to stay stoic and what little bits of guilt he's letting through the cracks. Her clamness is making him anxious, maybe even more worried than he would be if she came at him screaming like an enraged banshee. Feferi, why do you keep surprising him?]

[ She's just getting started, just you wait. She's still not filtering this, either. ]

You never had anything to fear! Not from me, or Sollux, or Karkat, or any of us, but you chose that! You chose it, and you chose what you did because you were a cowardly little troll. And you know what I think you were most afraid of?

[ But she doesn't let up just yet, to let him answer. If it's any consolation, she's started raising her voice. She definitely sounds angry, at least. ]

Not being in control. You wanted to have that so badly, and you wanted to be right so much, that you'd try to kill Sollux-- twice!-- that you'd kill our friends! That you'd try to drag me on your suicide mission to join Jack like a coward, and you'd kill me when I didn't want to! It's like... the word "no" wasn't a cue to stop, it was just a signal to try harder.

[ That feels... surprisingly good. She's worked herself up to a shout in the process, and stops to take a deep breath. She doesn't regret it, but no one likes to yell. ]

Look where your fear got you, Eridan. Take a good long look at the things you've done and then try to tell me, honestly, that there is no purpose to what he's saying.

[He's silent, but his face says enough. His brow furrows in guilt, his stoicism falling as she raises her voice and he visibly shrinks into himself. He knows this is still fresh, knows she's lashing out at the him that did all of that, the him that wasn't trying to fix things, the one who was stupid, rash, unthinking, inconsiderate, and above all selfish. He's changed a lot since then, he knows he has, he wouldn't have the matesprit he does, the friends he does, had it he not. However, it is undeniable that the him she's yelling at, the one that took her life so readily through anger and hurt, is still ultimately him. That will forever be a part of him, those choices he made, the lives he took, the doom he ensured, all of it is just as much a part of him as the fins on his face. And even now, as he tries to somewhat deflect what she's saying as a part of him that's long since been pacified, he can't deny the validity of her words, and it hurts. It hurts to hear it, maybe because after all this time, he's finally learned to listen.]

[As much as he wants her to just stop, to stop yelling at him, to stop hurting him with the truth he wants to just bury under the goddamn rug--he knows she has this right. He knows he owes her this and so much more. That last bit, gets him though, and he looks at her with an expression riddled in guilt and shame. Yeah, that was probably the worst thing for him to say, especially out in the open like that. Even if he was more so being a shit because of the conflicted feelings it was causing, then him being legitimate in asking.]

I shouldn't hawe said that to him alright? I know what got me to those decisions, I know why shit went as shitty as it did, that's why I'we been workin' hard for ten grueling earth human months to try to fix things--er, well, not fix, I can't fix this... But I guess to prowe that I can be better than I was. Ewen if the endeawor is fuckin' hopeless, but I don't want to giwe up so easily. I can newer erase what I did, no matter how much I wish I could. I was fuckin' stupid, an' thoughtless, a outright fuckin' coward. I was wrong an' horrible to you an' our friends, an' I'm sorry Fef. Maybe that fear is still with me, maybe I'm afraid a changin' completely an' that's my biggest goddamn hurdle. But I'm tryin', I'm tryin' for you, for me, for Kar, for eweryone. I'm tryin' an' that's really all I can do.

[He takes in a breath to try and calm himself, getting worked up won't help a damn thing right now.]

I don't expect you to forgiwe me, I don't expect you to ewen be fuckin' ciwil with me, I know how much I honestly deserwe anythin' you giwe me. But please... Fuck, just know that I regret it all an' I'm completely, without a doubt, sorry for ewerythin' I did.

[ Ugh, Eridan. Why do you have to go and say a thing like that. For a good moment, she's very uncomfortable and debates just leaving the conversation, but that wouldn't be fair, would it? He has been uncharacteristically kind to her since she came here. Having her friends testify to his efforts, and even seeing it herself... there's no way she can sit there and tell him he hasn't changed a bit. And goodness knows, if she could in any way justify saying it to him, she would. The anger fades and leaves disappointment, hurt. She's gotten the shouting out and said her piece.

Now she just has to make a decision. ]

No. It wouldn't be fair for me to not be civil.

[ So unsure. So very unsure. But when it comes down to it, she needs to go with what her heart says. ]

I can't forgive you, not right now. Not tomorrow. Maybe never! But... [ Sigh. Here it goes. ] I'm willing to give you a chance to show me why I can forgive you.

[ In her heart of hearts, she's wary that the offer is just going to be met with the same sort of behavior that caused her to tire of him in the first place. He expects that he's going to make every attempt to show off, try and win back her trust unfairly, but she can't, in good conscience, not at least give him the opportunity. She knows she has to look outside herself, to the fact that she doesn't hold against any of their other friends who've done such terrible things. Even though it hurts, and she doesn't see herself actually forgiving him, fair's fair. ]

Sermon Two

[video]

[video]

[video]

[video]

[video]

[video]