caughtinanetwork | 25 ★ v i d e o;

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25 ★ v i d e o;

[ Gracia shows up on the feed with rather curious expression. She sits by one of the cafes in the plaza, the SFC atop the table. She takes a sip of a warm vanilla milk, and with a slender finger on her lower lip, she begins to speak. A small dog can be slightly glimpsed running around behind her. It barks twice before Gracia's able to get her question out in the open. ]

Tell me something, Vatheon! What does it mean to be an "adult?" [ She leans on her elbows, and pouts. ] Is it really all about how old you are? Or is it more about how you act? That's what Father said to me once...[ Once? More like every time xD ] If that's the case, then how should an adult act?

[ Gracia sighs. This looks like something she's been pondering over for a while now. But speaking as a child at heart herself—regardless of her twenty years of age—Gracia only confused herself trying to look for an answer on her own. ] It's confusing! No matter what I do, it seems that my actions aren't those of an adult! Are adults not allowed to protect their loved ones the way they see fit?

[ Her dog, Futon, barks again. Gracia smiles and reaches down to pet him under the chin. ]

I wonder if to be an adult, I really only need to smile to become part of his strength...? I wonder if that will be enough...?

[ Her last words are no longer aimed at Vatheon's general public; they were questions aimed at herself, concerning a particular person. Her Father was always right, even if tried his best to tell Gracia otherwise. She believes in him fully, and so she wants to protect him no matter what. That was her reason for fighting—to make his dream of peace a reality. But how will she protect him now, when he gave her explicit orders not to? And that, whenever she disobeys him out of love, she is childish? Selfish, even?

Gracia is desperate for answers! (The last thing the SFC shows before she switches it off is her gulping down the rest of her milk with a satisfied and giddy smile. She sighs contentedly.) ]

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Tama...

[This is incredibly frustrating. He has explained it so many times, in so many ways. Mitsuhide sighs.]

[How can he get through to her?

Haven't we been through this, time and time again?

[ Surprisingly, instead of reacting negatively, Gracia shakes her head with a gentle smile on her face. It's not that he hasn't gotten through to her - on the contrary, he has. ]

Father, you misunderstand! [ She raises her finger as if to prove her point further. ] You've taught me what an adult is supposed to be like, but my learning about it can only go so far. [ Gracia nods in determination. ]

Now that you've helped me halfway, I must try and seek for the true answer myself. If I don't get the experience, then I'll never know the true meaning of your words.

[ Because that was how Gracia learned effectively; through experience. May it be sneaking inside a box to go to war, or figuring out adulthood on her own two feet. Her Father's guidance helps, but she knows that lectures will only serve to confuse her, at some point. And they have! ]

I am not sure I have misunderstood, my girl.

[He shakes his head.]

I cannot have taught you at all, or even helped you halfway, if you must go seeking such answers from others. All I have ever wanted was for you to accept my decision. That is all you need to do. That is all.

[Because that response, in some ways, worries him more. His mood is gradually dipping, lately, a consequence of anniversaries, and his thoughts have turned more and more to the things that worry him.]

I fear that myself, and my counterpart, have raised you in a matter that left little room for you to mature.

[ She falters for a bit, because she doesn't want to aggravate him like before - oh no - but she tries to keep the conversation in a light that favors both of them. ]

But you have taught me, and you've taught me plenty! But...I can't accept your decision until I see for myself what you mean. Father, I was told that our relationship is a "two-way street." In both our efforts to protect one another, we instead push each other away. It's because we love each other!

[ Her smile fades and she looks back at him with an uncharacteristic determination - almost defiant, even. ]

Then give me that room now, Father. I want to know the answer as to why it has to be the way it is. Why must I only smile for you, when I can do so much more to help you. I know what you've told me, but I also know that I need to understand it my own way. Otherwise...

[ Her true motives are revealed. Gracia breaks eye contact and looks down at her slightly trembling hands. Despite the break in their gazes, Gracia obviously looks pained. Sad. Remorseful. ]

...I might hurt you again.

You have not pushed me away. Not once. I cannot even understand why you think that, Tama.

[Mitsuhide actually looks somewhat hurt for a moment, but he quickly shakes his head again and adopts a calmer, if rather serious, expression.]

I have known frustration and sadness because you push and push at something I have chosen not to share with you. You act as a child would in trying to tear down a barrier that gives me strength, because you are determined to see the situation from your own point of view alone.

[The young man bites his lip briefly. If he were older, more experienced, would he be able to help her more effectively? But... perhaps not. Tama really is a child. Perhaps the only real way she will every comprehend is by growing up, gaining more years.]

[If he was not certain it would deeply trouble her, he would suggest she move out. Not far, even just into the next house.]

Understanding in your own way won't help. If you truly wish to understand, you have to see the situation from my point of view, Tama.

That's what I'm trying to do.

[ Gracia fidgets. She wills herself not to show him that she was childish in anyway, but she can't help it. Mitsuhide was both her strength and her weakness. It was near impossible to truly try and fight with him.

It was a contradiction, everything about it was. And she doesn't really know what to make of it. The redhead shakes her head and speaks without looking at the SFC. ]

I want to understand you too, because by accepting your decision, I know you'll be happy. And if you're happy, then I'll be too.

[ She whines a bit and rubs the side of her face against her wrists. She was clearly too frustrated, though she still attempts to try and word it out. Oh, if only she could do it properly... ]

But I don't understand a lot of things. I don't know how to understand them, or where to start. I really want to accept your decision, because I don't like it when I don't, but...

[ To protect him, she must not protect him. To give him strength, she must allow him to wallow in his weakness. It was too complicated for her, and as simple-minded as she could be at times, this was something she had to make an effort on. ]

...Father, I want to understand it in your way too. That's what I'm trying to figure out. And to figure out myself as well. Are those too wrong? Am I not allowed, because you think me a child?

You will not come close to understanding if this is how you seek to gain such knowledge, Tama.

[Mitsuhide sighs deeply, and raises a hand to his head. She makes it harder for herself, seeking answers in a way that cannot possibly work, even if she cannot see that she is doing so.]

You are contradicting yourself too much, confusing the matter further, and not truly seeking my point of view.

[If only she could accept, without needing that understanding.]

[ How is she contradicting herself when all she wants is to find the truth? Why does he act this way concerning matters that Gracia wants to so desperately help him with?

Slowly, Gracia bows her head with a rather sad, defeated expression. She expected him to be proud of her for taking initiative to figure things out on her own. She supposed she was wrong.

She doesn't answer. Gracia is out of words to say at the moment, feeling very much like she was just scolded once again, despite his gentle tone. It bothers her greatly that she's been making it difficult for him lately. She feels shame more than anything, and it shows. ]

...

[This will never be easy...]

It may be that it is impossible for you to understand.

[Mitsuhide looks tired. There is a long silence, but what he eventually says is something that has been on his mind a lot lately, regarding things he himself often ponders on.]

Have you never considered that perhaps you do not need to?

[ She refuses that. No, she won't allow it to be impossible to understand. She has to; she has to at least, for her Father's sake. If it will make him happy... ]

[ Gracia doesn't respond quickly as well. She fidgets with the hem of her skirt and bites her lip, looking away once in a while. To be honest, that was the second thing she tried doing - the first being to reject the idea completely, because that meant she would play no part in actively helping him heal. She thought about it long and hard once, to just accept what he has told her to do just like everything else he's said to her. And that was the natural thing to do! Besides this issue, Gracia has done nothing but follow his every word and every order to the best of her ability.

So why was it so hard for her to do it now? When it mattered the most to him?

It's been the source of her confusion for the longest time now. Hence her seeking the answer, the truth. And yet... ]

I have, but it's still hard. Some days I feel like I can do what you ask of me, but most of the time, I want to know why you won't let me do what I want to do for you.

[ She sighs quietly. ]

Before I ran away to join you in the battle at Kizugawa, my power to find answers was very limited. Ever since then, I can't help but want to know why things are with my own two eyes.

[ Gracia looks up. ]

Is this why you call me a child, Father?

The need to know why before you accept something is part of the reason.

[Mitsuhide taps his fingers. He is not happy to have to spell this out so clearly, but he is not happy about many aspects of this problem that lvies in the air around them at the moment.]

The belief you seem to hold that you need to understand someone, understand their situation and feelings, to help them too.

[He slides his eyes closed.]

'What I want to do,' Tama. You just said that. You want to help, but you wish to do so in your own way. I have told you how you might help, but you never seem to want to accept it. You seem incapable of supporting, only ever seeking to take on my burdens.

[A shake of the head. Mitsuhide's voice grows softer still, and kind, though the ntoe of sadness will not leave his tone.]

These reasons are why you are a child.

[ She buries her face in her hands and tries to hold back a whine, a sigh, but ultimately fails. She shakes her head and reveals a rather somber looking expression as soon as she puts her hands back down. ]

[ Her immediate response is aimed more to herself than to her Father. ]

How come those are all wrong? Do adults know everything immediately? How does it work? Why can't I...

[ To say that she's frustrated is an understatement. Though she is showing an equal amount of sadness, Gracia is, more than ever, irritated that she is unable to truly please Mitsuhide. That her desire and her curiosity were burdens rather than tools to help both of them. She couldn't help it; it was in her nature. ]

[ Gracia barely mutters her next words. ]

I can support you, but I'm afraid support will not be enough. I'm afraid to lose Father again...

[ A pause. She speaks again, but it's almost as if Gracia is afraid to look at Mitsuhide in the eye now. ]

Are you mad at me for what I've done?

I am not mad at you. Merely a little frustrated with and worried about you, and the way you approach things.

[Mitsuhide's eyes remain closed, and perhaps it is obvious that he is tired too; the dark circles under his eyes rarely leave, in all honesty.]

You have to accept that there are some things I cannot share with you, or talk to you about. That I have good reasons for that, even if you don't understand them.

[He opens his eyes again. They look dark, and perhaps a little distant.]

Adults do not understand everything. Far from it. But accepting that we cannot know everything is part of growing up. Sometimes you will find that your questions have no answers, or at least no answers that make sense to you. That's okay, Tama.

Edited 2012-06-09 17:00 (UTC)

[ Gracia can see how tired he is. From the way he speaks to her at times, or from the way he looks at her - just like now. She can be oblivious to a lot of things, but this was not one of them. It concerns Mitsuhide far too much for her to not notice it. And it worries her too, similar to how she worries him.

And really, that was a huge majority of why she does what she does. Gracia wants to help ease his burdens because that might mean he gets to sleep a little more soundly at night. While he rests, she can drive away his demons for him.

But...she is not ready. Mitsuhide doesn't deem her to be. "You have to accept that there are some things I cannot share with you..." It pains her to hear it so bluntly. She slowly reaches for the necklace outlined against her shirt and rubs it fondly with the pad of her thumb. ]

[ "He has good reasons." Gracia closes her eyes and wills herself to accept that. To just live with it.

Yet ultimately, she cannot. At least, not now. ]

I always thought that all questions, and all the mysterious things in this world, could be answerable. I thought I could search for all of them, one day. I suppose...not.

[ She's disheartened, most definitely. She looks defeated, and the heaviness in her voice only emphasizes her mood. It's a painful slap of reality that has only registered recently. Growing-up...despite her twenty years of age, Gracia's heart and mind were still far far off from the maturity of her Father. Or other "adults," even. Her understanding of the world was still rigid and limited. ]

Father...will there ever come a time in the future when you will allow me to share your pain? To help lift your sorrows? [ Gracia finally makes eye contact, but only briefly, and rather shyly. She carries some bit of hope in her as she asks her question, and maybe - just maybe - this was one question that had an answer, even if she'd have to wait a little while longer to know it. ]

[The honest answer is 'probably not,' and Mitsuhide cannot lie about this. He knows she will not like to hear it, and he hates to hurt her in any way, but in the long run this is for the best.]

It is unlikely. I have made the decision to protect you from this, and pour my strength into watching over you.

[A long pause.]

Tama, I am not alone in this matter. You speak as if I am, but that is not so. I am supported. I have my Lord Motochika, who is my strength and my soulmate. He never leaves me to drown, and I speak of my pain to him whenever I need to. He draws it out of me even when I try to hide it.

[Motochika is mature and, yes, incredibly strong. There are few stronger, in Mitsuhide's eyes. He is not sure if that will comfort his daughter at all, but again. He has to speak the truth.]

[Sighing deeply, Mitsuhide goes back to ther other comment.]

I think a world in which every question could be answered would be very boring indeed.

[Mitsuhide smile slightly, attempting to lighten the atmosphere somewhat.]

Would you truly wish to live in a world without mystery, Tama?

[ She knows Motochika would never leave his side. She's seen for herself, how much Motochika was willing to give up - how far he's willing to go - for the sake of her Father's dreams and well-being. And it comforts her once in a while, knowing that even if she were to leave Vatheon one day, the red string of fate would still draw those two together. In that, Gracia knows her Father would be alright.

Yet she still craves for the certainty that while she is around, her Father could be capable of repelling the darkness. It was in her nature; she found it extremely difficult, sometimes impossible, to stop herself from worrying about him to the point where everything else would blur into insignificance.

And really, without any explanation necessary, that was what made up bulk of Gracia's entire argument with her Father; she cared for him too much. She could not, not. ]

[ When she replies, her voice is hushed. No longer shy, Gracia's expression was more on genuine, pure, and unadulterated concern that is perhaps too strong even for her heart to handle. ]

I just don't like it when you're in pain...

[ ...Gracia manages to smile back at Mitsuhide's last statement. She covers her mouth with the back of her hand and keeps from chuckling too loudly. ]

I guess you're right about that one, Father. [ She looks up at the ceiling, a slim finger under her chin. ] A world that has no mystery sounds very boring. I'd rather stay at home, if that were the case!

Edited 2012-06-21 17:20 (UTC)

[There is a long, thoughtful silence, and then Mitsuhide says one simple thing.]

Do you truly think hearing about my pain will help, my girl?

[Because that is something he really doesn't understand. She acts as if it will, and Mitsuhide does not see why.]

[ She hums quietly, in thought, before responding. ]

Mmm, I think it'll help you plenty. If you tell other people about what's bothering you, they can help you with your problems and you'll feel a whole lot better. That's part of friendship as well!

[ It was simple logic, and she practices it when necessary. It was part of the reason why she was so willing to risk her life for those she considered her friends. More so for her Father, the center of her world. ]

You simplify things, Tama.

[Mitsuhide sighs deeply. If only her logic always worked out; the world would be a very different place, if it did.]

You assume that you will know how to help. That gaining the knowledge of my pain will offer you a solution. Tell me... has hearing of the problems of others always enabled you to make things right for them? Think carefully.

[ She looks extremely torn; she wants to answer him quickly, but she has a feeling that this was a trick question. "Think carefully...?" Wasn't the answer simple? ]

Um...[ Gracia sways from left to right, head tilted downwards as she thinks as hard as she can. ]

...Yes?

[ She sounds uncertain, but only because she considers her Father's doubt. She's not lying. Besides Mitsuhide, Gracia's experiences regarding the issue always ended up in the positive. Whenever someone was in pain, or in trouble, Gracia's offer to hear them out helped them in the end. What was he trying to get at? ]

Are you sure?

[Mitsuhide shakes his head.]

My girl, how often have you tried to look beyond the immediate? What you think you see and hear?

Edited (html fail ;;) 2012-07-01 18:11 (UTC)

[ Gracia groans softly in frustration. She turns to look at her father with a gaze that was begging for help. ]

Father, I'm not sure I understand what you're asking me. What do you mean when you say, "looking beyond the immediate...?"

[ She thinks some more, and answers very tentatively. ]

You mean...it may not always be as it seems?

That is so. It may not.

[Mitsuhide's eyes slide shut, a soft sigh passing from his mouth.]

Tama, I have told my Lord Motochika everything. If your approach always worked, would that not mean I should now be unburdened?

[ Well...that got her stumped. She looks like she's immediately ready to retort, her mouth opening and closing as if her mind thought of the words too fast for her reaction to catch. She goes through a rather silly pattern of facial expressions; one shocked, another pouting and frustrated, the other a mix of both and then some...Eventually, Gracia comes to sigh deeply. She looks down at her feet once more, shuffling in place. ]

[ He made a very good point. She wasn't quite sure how to approach it now. ]

...

[ So she tells him how she feels, as honestly as she can. ]

I just...want a part in helping father out. Because even if you tell him, I still find you sitting by the gardens looking so lonely. I always thought that Motochika and I could work together to help you.

25 ★ v i d e o;

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