caughtinanetwork

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001

[This is one clever little newcomer who has quickly figured out the system. Well, the SFC system at least. He adjusts it slightly so he is looking straight into the camera. He is very obviously New Here. Mostly on account of being slightly wet and covered in towel.]

So. Yeah. Hey. I'm sure you get this all the time but I'm new here.

[pause, mumble]

Wow, that sounds like it is some kind of support group. "hi everybody, I'm the Once-ler and I'm stuck in a fishbowl."

Anyway, I was reading the pamphlets-- Great stuff really, very informative. I uh, think there were a few typos. And you might wanna hire a new illustrator, cause yikes, but really, thanks. It helped a lot. Wouldn't wanna be stuck in a kooky underwater magic fish bowl without some information, am I right? Haha.

[S i l e n c e.]

Anyway, I just got one question...

What is up with these towels?

[And he goes back to drying himself off again, muttering a little under his breath.]

Wow, a thneed would work so much better for this.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Wow, what is your deal, man? Did you miss your naptime or something? For the record, my question had nothing to do with drying, dryness, rubbing or anything of that sort.

THE LAST TIME I SLEPT WAS AUGUST 11TH. IT'S AUGUST 23RD RIGHT NOW.
NORMALLY I DON'T SLEEP AT ALL, AND EVEN WHEN I DID HAVE A REGULAR REST SCHEDULE, MY ATTITUDE WAS NO BETTER.
I ADVISE YOU TO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT.
BUT IF NOT DRYNESS THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS IT ABOUT
ALSO, THAT'S YOUR FAULT FOR BEING TOO MORONIC TO BOTHER WORDING IT CLEARLY.

I'm moronic? You're the guy who expects me to believe he hasn't slept in two weeks, and I'm the moronic one. Right. Anyway, what my point was is that these towels are free. A free good distributed to every newcomer here, I imagine. Judging by the fact that you guys have a whole welcoming office set up, I'm going to go ahead and assume here that this people arriving here is not a unique thing. What's the angle on that?

[You know what that is, Karkat? That is communism. And communism is bad.]

Edited 2012-08-23 05:42 (UTC)

BECAUSE I HAVE REASON TO LIE ABOUT MY SLEEPING HABITS TO A GUY I NEITHER KNOW THE NAME OF NOR CARE ABOUT.
GREAT DEDUCTION THERE, CAPTAIN SMARTYPANTS
DO YOU HAVE A SHINY DIPLOMA TO GO WITH IT?
ASK ANYONE WHO KNOWS THE NAME KARKAT VANTAS IF IT MATTERS TO YOU THAT MUCH. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
BUT THERE IS NO "ANGLE".
PEOPLE GET BROUGHT HERE BUT THE SCIENTIST DOUCHEBAGS IN CHARGE, USUALLY AROUND THE END OF THE MONTH
SO THE LOCALS PROVIDE TOWELS
AND OTHER FOREIGNERS SET UP INFORMATION JUNK.
IT'S COMMON FUCKING SENSE, DINGBAT.

Dingbat? Wow. Burn. Anyway, Karkat Vantas, the point is this. Nothing in life is free. Even a 'free' product will have some strings attached. You might not be able to see them, but they are there. I'm just trying to make sure I'm not buying into some... underwater towel Mafia here.

[Oh, he wants a burn? Let him just crack his knuckles.]

YOU ARE CONFINED TO AN UNDERWATER CITY AND NEARBY ISLAND ON A PLANET WITHIN AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE SEPARATE FROM YOUR HOME ONE, AND YOUR MOST PRESSING CONCERN IS A HYPOTHETICAL TOWEL MAFIA.
WHAT'S THE EARLY LIFE PROCESS ON YOUR PLANET
DO THEY ROUND UP THE SQUEALING, SQUIRMING INFANTS OF YOUR SPECIES AND RITUALLY LOBOTOMIZE THEIR GROWING THOUGHT ORGANS
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT'S STUPID ENOUGH TO EXPLAIN WHAT YOU PROPOSED.
EVEN IN THE STAGNANT AIR OF CRANIAL BRAIN-LACK, SURELY EVEN A FEW ELECTRONS HAVE TO FIRE OFF ENOUGH STATIC TO LET THAT PERSON KNOW WHAT A RETARDED IDEA THAT IS.
THEY MUST INJECT SOME NECROTIC DISEASE INTO THE BRITTLE CALCIUM BONES THAT COMPOSE YOUR SKULL
AN ILLNESS THAT SLOWLY ROTS AWAY EVEN THE HINT THAT THE EMPTY SPACE BETWEEN ONE EAR AND ANOTHER COULD HAVE SPARKED A SINGLE THOUGHT THAT ACHIEVES THAT ELUSIVE, MYTHICAL CONCEPT CALLED "COMMON SENSE".
IF I EVER MEET THE SHITEATING FUCKWRENCH WHO CAME UP WITH THAT TERM I WILL BEAT HIM/HER/IT UNTIL THEY SUFFER FROM TERMINAL MIGRAINES FOR THE HEADACHES THAT MISNOMER HAS FORCED UPON ME IN MY LIFE.
IN SHORT, NO, YOU ODOROUS NOOKDRIPPING, THERE IS NO UNDERWATER TOWEL MAFIA.
THE STRINGS, WHICH ANYONE WITH THE THOUGHT TO JUST LOOK UP CAN SEE
LITERALLY, LOOK AT THE DOME, YOU SHITHEAD
ARE READILY FUCKING APPARENT.
THEY ARE KEEPING US HERE TO THEIR HEARTS' CONTENT
GIVING US NO OPTION TO RETURN EXCEPT BY THEIR INSCRUTABLE WHIMS
AND THE SOLE CONCESSION IS THAT ANYTHING LOCAL IS FREE, BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, WE WOULD DROP LIKE FLIES IF THEY EXPECTED EVERY PERSON THAT *THEY* SUMMONED IN HERE TO MAKE IT WITHOUT SOME KIND OF HANDOUT.
IF YOU WANT TO PLAY NORMAL ECONOMY, GET A JOB AND BUY SHIT FROM THE NOSTALGIA NOOK.

Edited 2012-08-23 06:59 (UTC)

Wow, you really need a nap.

TRY HARDER OR YOUR COMEBACKS ACTUALLY WILL BORE ME TO SLEEP.

That wasn't even a comeback, it was just a fact. And just for the record, most of this scientist stuff? Not really all too much in those flyers. Unless I missed the one titled 'Welcome to Pavlov's underwater experiment. Now with less dogs, more fish.' You might wanna update those some time. Or maybe you are just giving us newbies some time to settle first. Get us acclimatized before throwing the heavy stuff at us.

MY CONDOLENCES FOR YOUR INABILITY TO HANDLE GETTING TROLLED.
SERIOUSLY, I AM LIKE THIS TO EVERYONE
A PERPETUAL RAGE MACHINE SCREAMING INTO THE COSMOS SINCE THE VERY MOMENT I BROUGHT MYSELF INTO EXISTENCE.
I'M NOT IN CHARGE OF THOSE FLIERS EITHER, DIPSHIT.
I'M THE ONE WHO FOUND THE INFO ON THOSE SCIENTISTS BEFORE ONE OF THEM COULD EVEN ASS HERSELF TO SHOW HER FACE
I MADE A POST, TRANSCRIBED THE PAPERS AND EVERYTHING, BUT IT'S HARDLY MY FAULT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T BOTHER TO READ IT.
THEIR CHEERFUL, GRATING IGNORANCE IS THEIR OWN PURVIEW.

Trolled-- Oh. Oh, let me guess. You're going to switching your video on now too and show me you are some huge space alien with horns the size of my guitar, aren't you? Go on. How big are you? Seven feet, eight feet, nine maybe? Just six feet over here. Sorry if it puts a crick in your trollneck.

[Oh god damnit this is not even fair. WHICH ASSHOLE IS RESPONSIBLE--]

[Then he checks the other responses, and spots Darkleer. Lousy fucking huge ass adult troll jerk.]

[Pssht, whatever. He can TOTALLY fool this guy if he couldn't figure out the towel thing. He has got this.]

[When the video inevitably switches on, it shows his head crooked oddly against the ceiling. This is totally because he's too tall to handle these puny human houses. Look, see, there's even a window peeking in the edge of the frame to show he's not faking this by laying against the join of floor and wall. ~~God powers are awesome.~~]

[Also, it's suddenly filtered. Just ignore that.]

How should I know how tall I am by your ridiculous human measurement system? Try having some cultural sensitivity.

[The tips of his horns, however, are deliberately cut out of the shot.]

[Oh god look at that this guy stretches all the way up to the ceiling what kind of weird ass place has he landed himself in this is not fair this is not...

really...

wait.]

Do you have like a really low ceiling or something.

Edited 2012-08-23 07:39 (UTC)

No, I don't have a low ceiling!

[He sure is scowling at that. The video cuts out a sec, then when it's on again, it's showing the space of his living room, of course from a high angle.]

Does this look like a place with a low ceiling to you?

Hmmm, I guess not. Can you get me a full body shot, at least.

Let the puny human marvel at your height and all. That's what you aliens do, right?

[Another pause to reorient the camera like it was before.]

No, you don't deserve it, and how can I trust you to measure me right if you can't even guess the height of my ceiling? You're being a needlessly difficult pain in the ass.

Listen, Kar... kid. Karkid.

[whatever names.]

I'm a business man. I know the tricks of the business, okay? I know you can do a lot with camera angles and wind machines and stuff. I'm not just going to go on one weirdly angled shot.

Karkat. Don't go giving me nicknames when I still don't know what your name is, and don't give me one even if you tell me. Also, there's nothing weird about my camera angle, so quit bitching and get back on the point from earlier, which is this place and its economy or lack thereof.

[That wasn't a nickname, he just forget things that don't involve his personal favourite thing in the whole wide world: himself.]

Right, right. And it's Once-ler.

[Just don't ask, okay. He is not mommy's favourite.]

Right, the economy. What did you want to know about the economy?

[He switches back over to text, because seriously, this is getting uncomfortable for his neck. One sec while he climbs back down, out of sight.]

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS ONCE-LER?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE ECONOMY
I'M THE ONE WHO WAS TELLING YOU HOW IT FUNCTIONS HERE.

[Okay, fine, back to text it is.]

What kind of a name is Karkat? Yeah, and that is kind of the points, isn't it? It doesn't function.

IT'S A TROLL NAME, YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK.
AND IT FUNCTIONS JUST FINE.
I'VE LIVED HERE OVER A YEAR AND HALF, LONG ENOUGH TO SEE THE IMPLEMENTATION OF THE CURRENCY USED FOR GOODS FROM THE NOSTALGIA NOOK, AND NOT ONCE HAS THIS PLACE COLLAPSED INTO ECONOMIC RUIN.

Riiight. Where do all the towels come from? Are there any towel factories here? Where does the raw material come from? The brochures just keep talking about an underwater city, so what, are there no farms? Towels don't grow on trees, you know.

[Thneeds do, score 1 Thneed, towels 0]

And to think of the manpower involved. How many people work in our hypothetical towel factories? How do they get paid? They must be getting paid, nobody is just going to make towels for hours a day without some reward. But if the towels are just freely given away, how does the factory make money. Have you ever thought about any of this stuff in your year and a half of being here? Cause this? This doesn't make sense.

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