caughtinanetwork

[When the SFC turns on, it's pointed towards the ocean, and it stays there for a few moments, just recording the waves rolling in and out, the soft sounds of the water, the occasional cry of a seabird. Then someone clears their throat, and starts speaking quietly. Those who have heard him speak before will recognize Sufferer's voice.]

I've been thinking about time lately, and how its path is not linear and seems to follow no set pattern. Sometimes, when there's a moment you want to cling to with everything you have, it flickers past, here and then gone; and then when there's something you want to rush through, it lingers, and minutes become hours, and hours days, days weeks, and so on.

The only thing consistent about time is that it passes.

Until it doesn't.

[There's a sigh, and the SFC turns so it's pointing towards Sufferer's face. He looks tired, like he does most of the time now, the bags under his eyes staining his skin like bruises. The flesh on his face hangs off the bones, deep lines that were never there before framing either side of his mouth.]

[He still has the orange stitches on his cloak, though.]

I've died, twice. Once here, where I revived five days later, and once in my own world, where I woke up here. In one instance, the time between passed quickly, full of light and love and beauty, and in the other, it lasted for lifetimes, lifetimes in the darkness, in the spaces between the stars.

[He shrugs.]

So tell me, Vatheon... which one was the true death? Which one showed me the truth about time, and which was the lie?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Sufferer can appreciate what Karkat is trying to do, but the situation is a little different between them. Karkat left behind doom and waiting for death, while he left behind a movement that fell apart after his death, and friends whose lives were irreversibly changed, and for the worst, all because of him. He had been busy in his time; he hadn't been finished, not by a long shot, and his entire life had revolved around his message and spreading it. Without that, what does he have left?]

So I should just... live. Pick up where I left off and create a life for myself.

Exactly!

[It's like a tension has gone out of him that Signless finally gets it. Even if he can't parse the full weight of leaving the movement behind, his advice is meant well and from a good place.]

You're not going to get anything done by just sitting around and moping. If you hadn't died, stuff would have been different, but you can't change it. And yeah, that sucks, no shit, but what else can you do?

But, Karkat...

[You didn't really think it would be that easy, did you?]

I'm not needed here.

[Pap, palm against face.]

That's not the point, dumbass. You could maybe argue that I'm not needed here either, but that doesn't mean there aren't people who want me around and benefit from my presence. The same is true for you, and you're being a whiny shitsmear to pretend otherwise.

[Yeah, he went there.]

Alternia needed you and I'm not going to pretend it didn't, but you had your part. You did what you could, and they caught you, and you died. And again, I'm not trying to downplay how much that sucks heaving hoofbeast globesack, but you can't change it. You're here now.

But of course you're needed here!

[Sufferer looks genuinely shocked by that thought!]

Look at everyone who depends on you! You're the leader of your group, they look up to you, and whenever something bad happens in Vatheon, you're the first one they go to! This bubble would be much worse off without you!

[His hand drops, but he's still frowning.]

And what about you? You have the Disciple, and Dualscar, and the Psiioniic. You have me. You have every troll who believes in what you preached, who has befriended you, who looks up to you, or to you as someone to talk to when they need help or advice or a listening spongeclot or anything. You're a leader, too. Back when the Grand Assblood showed up, you helped me organize the plan then, didn't you?

Either we're both needed, or neither of us are, and don't you fucking try to argue that I'm more important than you are.

[Sufferer's mouth shuts with a snap; he was about to argue that exact thing, but he can tell from the look on Karkat's face that this topic is not up for debate.]

Signless did all those things, Karkat. Signless could be a leader, and a friend, and a good moirail. I'm... I'm not sure Sufferer can.

[And of course he would say that. Karkat isn't even surprised to hear it out of his mouth, but if only lack of surprise translated to lack of aggravation. His teeth grit, and off-screen, the hand not holding his SFC curls into a fist.]

Would you stop whining? I swear to the actual fucking gods I've seen, this is the fattest load of hoofbeast shit I've heard plop against the conversational ground. What are you, a grub that can't change his own diaperstub without help? You went through some terrible stuff and I am not even close to denying that must carry its own trauma, but just because you went through that doesn't magically mean they stole your ability to get shit done, you wiggler! Go cry to your lusus's memory if you can't handle it, because she's not here, and she's not going to hold your hand until you learn how to walk again!

And stop calling yourself Sufferer, you self-pitying sack of nookslime! It might sound respectful from your followers, but out of your mouth all I hear is a goddamn tantrum.

[Sufferer just hangs his head and takes Karkat's abuse, not saying a word. He knows he's whining, he knows he's being irrational and probably frustrating as hell, but that's the thing... he can't help it. He can't change how he feels, and he can't change the way the trauma of his death and his time spent in darkness has filtered into everything he says and does.]

[It's almost as though the trauma and stress has had a lasting effect. A post-traumatic effect, if you will.]

I'm sorry, Karkat. I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be.

[He doesn't get offended? Not mad, even a little? Something about that rubs Karkat decidedly the wrong way - and if he's a cat with fur stroked backwards, then the words are a splash of cold water straight across him.]

Fuck this! I call you out on how you're acting, and what do you do but give me more of the same like it even makes a difference. Screw off. I'm done.

[Click!]

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