caughtinanetwork | 039 ♋ [TEXT]

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039 ♋ [TEXT]

IT IS MIDMORNING AND HERE I AM DEALING WITH SUCH AN APPALLING LACK OF COMPETENCE THAT IT IS A BROADSIDE FLAT OUT FUCKING MIRACLE THAT I EVER SUMMON THE PATIENCE TO DEAL WITH ANY ONE OF YOU DUNDERING SHITHEADS.
I JUST WANTED TO DO ONE THING
ONE LITTLE THING!
ONE TINY INSIGNIFICANT THING AMONG THE MANY I WILL DO IN THE COURSE OF NIGHT AND DAY CONSTITUTING "FRIDAY"
AND YET HERE, BECAUSE OF SOME DOUCHEBAG ALONG THE LINE OF HOW POINT A GOT TO POINT B, I CAN'T DO THAT.
IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK TO HAVE A DAY GO RIGHT WITH NO ISSUES.
IS IT SUCH A GODDAMN CRIME THAT I WOULD LIKE TO EVEN HAVE A SMOOTH MORNING TO START OFF THE DAY PORTION OF THIS PARTICULAR SECTION OF THE HUMAN WEEK.
ARE ASSHOLE POLICE WAITING OUTSIDE MY DOOR AND ARREST ME FOR CRIMES OF WANTING A LITTLE DECENCY IN THE QUALITY OF EVERYDAY LIFE I EXPERIENCE??
BECAUSE I SWEAR TO PAST ME
(FYI I WAS A GOD EARLIER THIS MONTH, SUCK IT IF YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM)
THAT I WILL SHOVE MY SHOES SO FAR UP THEIR HEINOUS WHISTLING WASTE CHUTES IF THEY DARE TO GIVE ME AN OUNCE OF SHIT OVER WANTING A LITTLE NORMALCY TODAY THAT THEY WILL TASTE THE DIRT ON MY SOLES.
SAY, ONCELER OR HOWEVER THAT NAME IS SPELLED.
(WHAT SORRY EXCUSE FOR HUMAN PARENTS CLOBBERED THEMSELVES OVER THE HEAD WITH BRICKS LONG ENOUGH TO EVEN THINK THAT WAS CLOSE TO APPROACHING ACCEPTABLE NAME MATERIAL?)
(IT'S ONCE WITH A LER ADDED ON, THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.)
DID YOU EVER FIND OUT HOW THE SUPPLY LINE WORKS FOR THIS PLACE
WHO MAKES WHAT AND HOW IT GETS HERE?
BECAUSE I SWEAR WHETHER PAINSTAKINGLY HANDCRAFTED, MACHINE MANUFACTURED, OR MAGICALLY ENGINEERED
(ERIDAN I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT YOUR SCIENCE OBSESSION THIS MORNING SO SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR CHUTE.)
I WILL HUNT DOWN THE PANDEAD JACKASS RESPONSIBLE FOR WHATEVER LINE OF CONSTRUCTION WENT INTO MAKING THIS ANGEL-CURSED FUCKING TOASTER AND DELIVER A STEAMING TIRADE OF HOT SCREW YOU DOWN HIS/HER/I DON'T CARE'S AURICULAR CANALS.
HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO JUST MAKE A TOASTER RIGHT????????
JEGUS CHRIST.
AND THE MOST DAMNING ASPECT OF IT ALL
THE THING THAT HAS CRAWLED UP MY NOOK, STUCK, AND DIED THERE TO BE A FESTERING PAIN UNTO THE EONS
IS THAT OF THE SINGULAR (JUST ONE!) SLICE I TRIED TO MAKE, ONLY ONE LITTLE CORNER GOT BURNED.
HOW DO YOU EVEN MESS UP THAT PRECISELY.
I AM SITTING HERE BOGGLING IN INFINITE BEFUDDLEMENT OVER HOW THIS GREAT STONKING TOOL MANAGED THAT DOOZY OF A COCK-UP.
IF IT HAD BEEN ANY WORSE I COULD HAVE THROWN THE TOASTER OUT COMPLETELY AS A HUNK OF USELESS, APPLIANCE-SHAPED SCRAP, BUT UP UNTIL TODAY THIS THING HAS WORKED WITH RELATIVELY LITTLE ISSUE.
SO WHY, FUCKING WHY, IS TODAY OF ALL DAYS THE ONE I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS UNMITIGATED BULLSHIT?
I SHOULD GO HUNT DOWN THE SALES DOUCHE RESPONSIBLE FOR HAWKING THIS PIECE OF CRAP TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE AND GRADUALLY VERBALLY CHOKE THE BASTARD ON THE SEVERAL PIECES OF MY MIND THIS INCIDENT HAS EARNED.
AND IF ANY ONE OF YOU EGREGIOUS BULGELICKS HAS SOMETHING STUPID TO SAY ABOUT THIS INCIDENT AS I KNOW YOU WILL, BE WARNED THAT IT WILL NOT BE WITHOUT EARNING THE SAME FATE.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Geez, someone's angry today.

Angry? Is that all you got out of this? Is it too much of a strain for the cerebral cells the last dying bit of optimism in me hopes you have somewhere under that cotton candy you call hair? Or if you rub those cells together long enough will it spark a fire, burn out your skull, and spare me the annoyance of having to deal with a not even half-witted human child?

Of course I'm angry, stupid! And that little, jibing "geez" is far from the salve that will sooth the burns on my toast and by proxy my fraying nerves. It is a hopeless situation. Specialized docterrorists have been called in from around the region to assess the damage, and not one of them in all their summed up medical knowledge can help. All with stern, nodding chins agree: it's terminal. My hopes of breakfast are dead and gone, forever.

Karkat
Not To Step On The Toes Of Your Moirail
But Please
Shut The Fuck Up
Every Little Setback In Your Life Is Not A Part Of Some Massive Multiuniversal Multitemporal Conspiracy To Make Your Life Miserable
Its Just A Toaster
Calm Your Insanely Over Sensitive Rumble Spheres

Awww, don't worry about that. I was going to go get something to eat, I can bring you something too.

And then maybe you can take a nap, I think you need it.

NOW YOU'RE GIVING ME SHIT TOO?
WAY TO BE A PAL THERE KANAYA, REAL BANG UP JOB.
AND BEING AS YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING MY MOIRAIL, HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT YOUR OWN IMPERTINENT CHUTE, SCREW OFF, AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
IT IS NOT "JUST A TOASTER".
IT IS THE MAIN RUINING ELEMENT OF WHAT COULD HAVE OTHERWISE BEEN A PLAIN BUT PLEASANT MORNING
AND THE THING THAT PREVENTED ME FROM GETTING SOMETHING TO EAT.
THE WHOLE MEAL IS RUINED NOW.

I don't want you to bring me anything! Did I ask? Did I even think about asking? No, I didn't, and keep your unwarranted implication that I can't cook anything to yourself.

Secondly, sleep is for wigglers and those too lazy to handle life on a full-time alert schedule. Unlike the rest of you pathetic bulgelumps, I don't need sleep to make it through my day, let alone anything as childish as a nap.

Yes
Entirely Ruined Because Of A Tiny Little Corner Of One Piece Of Bread
How Rational Of You
I Hope That Your Meal Was More Substantial Than Just That Corner Of Toast
Or Are You Lumping Feeding In With Sleeping On Your List Of Personal Needs That You Just Decided You Do Not Have To Partake In

Nope, this is getting silly. You need a nap, Mister Crabbypants, it's not healthy to not get enough sleep and it makes you super rude.

KANAYA, IF I HAD BOTHERED TO SCRAPE OFF THE BURNT BIT WITH A KNIFE IT WOULD HAVE DEPRIVED ME OF PART OF THE BREAD
THEREBY LESSENING MY MEAL INTO A DISAPPOINTING PARODY OF ITSELF
AND ALTOGETHER NOTHING NEAR SATISFYING.
BUT FOR YOUR INFORMATION, NO, THE TOAST WAS NOT THE ONLY PART OF THE MEAL I HAD PLANNED, CORNER OR OTHERWISE.
I WAS GOING TO MAKE OTHER STUFF WITH IT, BUT IF IT WAS THAT DAMN EASY JUST TO RUIN A PIECE OF BREAD, THEN I AM UTTERLY POSITIVE THAT THE UNIVERSE WOULD NOT SUFFER TO LET ME MAKE THE REST WITHOUT INCIDENT.
I WOULD PROBABLY END UP WITH HALF THE MEAL VAULT ON FIRE.

Edited 2012-08-31 16:04 (UTC)

Who the fuck do you think you are, my moirail? Not even he forces me to sleep, because unlike some impudent shitrinsers, he recognizes that I make it just fine without. I sleep maybe once a month of that, usually less, and it's been that way - hell, even sparser in the past - for nearly two of your earth years now.

Your calendar is stupid, by the way. Why twelve months? Why with such an irregular number of days in them? Why is February the odd one? And why weeks of seven days? You should have picked something divisible by five for both of them so it made numerical sense! Nice and even and logical, except, oh wait. Logic is as foreign to you as the concept of romance that isn't so boring and uninspiring it inspires catatonia.

And last, I have a name, brat. It's Karkat.

It's cHiLl.
My mOtHeRfUcKiN FoOtStUbS AiN'T FuCkIn tHrOd uPoN.

[who do you think he is, Kanaya? Eridan?]

I Am Seriously Getting Sick Of Your Constant Wiggler Whining
Plenty Of Other People Have Suffered Far More Than You So If This Is Some Sort Of Universal Vendetta Then The Universe Is Doing A Rather Poor Job Of It

WIGGLER WHINING??
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAN'T KEEP HER GLOWING MANICURED NAILS OFF THE KEYS LONG ENOUGH TO REALIZE EVERY CONTRIBUTION FROM HER PRONGS IS NOTHING BUT A WASTE OF TIME FOR ALL INVOLVED
SO DON'T BITCH TO ME ABOUT GETTING SICK OF CONSTANT WHINING.
AND DON'T EVEN PRETEND LIKE YOU'VE GOT THE NORMAL WORLDVIEW HERE, MISS UNDEAD BLOODSUCKING DAYWALKER.
YOU GOT YOUR TRASHY NOVEL DREAM COME TRUE, SO CUT ME SOME SLACK IF THIS PARTICULAR MORNING I DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH BURNT BREAD.

GAMZEE!
TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO THINKS THE AMBULATORY NIGHTLIGHT OUGHT TO TAKE NEEDLE TO CHUTE AND SEW HER BILLOWING WORDTRAP SHUT FOR THE DAY.

BrOtHeR, pLeAsE.
I'M FeElIn lIkE AlL YoU MoThErFuCkErS OuGhTa tAkE A MoThErFuCkInG LoAd oF YoUr mOtHeRfUcKiN HoOvEs
AnD WoRk oN FiNdInG YoUr cHiLl zOnEs
ReAl
MoTHErFuCkin
HArd.

BUT MY TOAST IS RUINED!
RUINED, GAMZEE
AS IN BY ALL MEANS USELESS TO ME FOR CONSUMPTION, WHICH HAS THROWN OFF MY OWN MORNING AND PROVEN I CAN'T EVEN TRUST A REGULAR APPLIANCE TO OPERATE AS IT SHOULD.
AND NOW KANAYA WON'T EVEN CUT ME A MEASLY SLICE OF A BREAK ABOUT IT.
I CAN'T GET A SLICE OF ANYTHING THIS MORNING.
IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE AT THIS POINT AND I AM RIGHTLY OUTRAGED BY IT.

MoThErFuCkEr, I GeT YoU.
YoU AiN'T GoT No fUcKiNg uNdErStAnD HoW MuCh i fUcKiN GeT ThIs sHiT.
MoThErFuCkEr wEnT AnD AlL LiKe sPiLt mY MiLk.
HoW ThE FuCk iS A BrOtHeR SuPpOsEd tO GeT HiS BaKe oN NoW?

ARE YOU SHITTING ME.
SOME ASSHOLE UP IN THE HEAVENS MUST HAVE IT OUT FOR THE BOTH OF US TODAY, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT COSMIC TRANSGRESSION WE BOTH MADE THAT WE HAVE TO BE PUNISHED AWAY FROM FOOD PREPARATION THIS MORNING.
WHAT IS IT, OH FATES?
DID I PUT MY SOCKS ON IN THE WRONG ORDER?
IS ONE OF GAMZEE'S HAIR SWIRLS FLOPPED AT A BAD ANGLE?
OR MAYBE IT'S JUST ME, BECAUSE OF COURSE THE MANY AND VARIOUS UNIVERSES JUST LOVE TO TAKE THE TIME TO MAKE ME THAT MUCH MORE MISERABLE.
IF YOU HAD BAKED SOMETHING YOU COULD HAVE SHARED IT WITH ME
AND NOW WE'RE BOTH SHIT OUT OF LUCK.

i dont givve a fuck if you dont wwant to hear one fuckin quip about howw magic is a FAKE FUCKIN THING because it is and im dowwnright fuckin INSULTED that youd allude to otherwwise
wwho givves a fuckin shit about your SHITTY BURNT TOAST wwhen youre spewwin blasphemies like this
just get a neww piece a goddamn bread
it isnt HARD kar fuckin GOD
and i thought you to be one a the more competent in our group but here you are provvin your anger dictates your think pan yet AGAIN
wwhy am i not fuckin surprised

so liek
this is all over a burnt conrer of toast
y not just cut that corner off
totes nto that hard
*words and stuf

ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, YOUR PREDICTABLE, POINTLESS BLATHERING RANKS AT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS JUNK.
NO ONE CARES, ERIDAN!
YOU CAN SCREAM INTO THE SKY, AT THE SCIENTISTS, AT HAPLESS PASSERS BY ON THE STREETS, AND NOT ONE IS GOING TO STOP AND FIRE UP THE NEURONS REQUIRED TO SO MUCH AS CONSIDER YOUR TIRED WHINING ABOUT THE SUPPOSED FAKENESS OF MAGIC.
I'VE SEEN MAGIC.
I HAVE SEEN IT REPEATEDLY.
I HAVE GAINED BENEFIT FROM IT.
SO HAVE YOU, AND NOT JUST FROM YOUR DUMB GLOWY WAND.
YOU REMEMBER LILY? DON'T THINK I DON'T REMEMBER WHEN YOU TRIED THAT ONE POTION SHE MADE, BECAUSE WE WERE BOTH THERE.
BUT OF COURSE IT CAN'T JUST END THERE.
WAY TO MISS THE POINT OF WHAT I WAS SAYING!
IF YOU HAD BOTHERED TO READ THE WHOLE THING THOROUGHLY, OR YOU KNOW, USED THAT ORGAN TAKING UP SPACE IN YOUR LOBE, YOU MIGHT HAVE REALIZED THAT THE TOASTER IS USELESS JUNK.
IT CAN'T BE TRUSTED TO PERFORM ITS FUNCTION PROPERLY, WHICH IS WHY YOU WILL CURRENTLY FIND IT DUMPED INTO THE GARBAGE.

DOES NO ONE ON THIS NETWORK HAVE A BRAIN?
I CAN'T JUST CUT THE CORNER OFF, BECAUSE I WANTED THE WHOLE PIECE, NOT JUST PART MINUS A CORNER.
SCRAPING OFF THE BURNT BIT WITH THE EDGE OF A KNIFE WOULD HAVE SIMILARLY DEPRIVED ME OF WHAT I WANTED.
BUT OF COURSE WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN BOTHER TO SOBER YOURSELF UP LONG ENOUGH TO TYPE A SINGLE SENTENCE SANS TYPO, I SHOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO COMPREHEND THE POINT I'M MAKING.

SpEaKiNg oF ShArInG
YoU AiGhT WiTh mE PaRkInG My mOtHeRfUcKiN NoOk aT YoUr cOuCh?
I NeEd bE At sOmE FuCkIn pLaCe wHeRe i cAn't bE SmElLiN AlL ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiN SwEaT.

i dont have to be sober to not make a typo i just have to actually give a fuck
look at that a complete thought without a single mistake this is like bizarre-o world or somethin
but what im gettin out of this is
youre crying over toast
is it your time of the month or what
do trolls even have a time of the month

OH, IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?
THAT STENCH FACTORY COULDN'T HANDLE EVERYDAY OBJECTS RIGHT IF HIS LIFE DEPENDED ON IT, WHICH IF YOU ASK ME MAKES IT A WONDER THAT HE EVEN SURVIVED THIS LONG.
IT SURE AS HELL TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO REALIZE WHAT A WASTE HE IS, BUT CONSIDER MY COUCH OPEN.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

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[Text] god this curse is so ridiculous

[Text] Gamzee and Equius are literally fighting over spilt milk. Good curse.

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