039 ♋ [TEXT]

[bethehugejerk]

IT IS MIDMORNING AND HERE I AM DEALING WITH SUCH AN APPALLING LACK OF COMPETENCE THAT IT IS A BROADSIDE FLAT OUT FUCKING MIRACLE THAT I EVER SUMMON THE PATIENCE TO DEAL WITH ANY ONE OF YOU DUNDERING SHITHEADS.
I JUST WANTED TO DO ONE THING
ONE LITTLE THING!
ONE TINY INSIGNIFICANT THING AMONG THE MANY I WILL DO IN THE COURSE OF NIGHT AND DAY CONSTITUTING "FRIDAY"
AND YET HERE, BECAUSE OF SOME DOUCHEBAG ALONG THE LINE OF HOW POINT A GOT TO POINT B, I CAN'T DO THAT.
IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK TO HAVE A DAY GO RIGHT WITH NO ISSUES.
IS IT SUCH A GODDAMN CRIME THAT I WOULD LIKE TO EVEN HAVE A SMOOTH MORNING TO START OFF THE DAY PORTION OF THIS PARTICULAR SECTION OF THE HUMAN WEEK.
ARE ASSHOLE POLICE WAITING OUTSIDE MY DOOR AND ARREST ME FOR CRIMES OF WANTING A LITTLE DECENCY IN THE QUALITY OF EVERYDAY LIFE I EXPERIENCE??
BECAUSE I SWEAR TO PAST ME
(FYI I WAS A GOD EARLIER THIS MONTH, SUCK IT IF YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM)
THAT I WILL SHOVE MY SHOES SO FAR UP THEIR HEINOUS WHISTLING WASTE CHUTES IF THEY DARE TO GIVE ME AN OUNCE OF SHIT OVER WANTING A LITTLE NORMALCY TODAY THAT THEY WILL TASTE THE DIRT ON MY SOLES.
SAY, ONCELER OR HOWEVER THAT NAME IS SPELLED.
(WHAT SORRY EXCUSE FOR HUMAN PARENTS CLOBBERED THEMSELVES OVER THE HEAD WITH BRICKS LONG ENOUGH TO EVEN THINK THAT WAS CLOSE TO APPROACHING ACCEPTABLE NAME MATERIAL?)
(IT'S ONCE WITH A LER ADDED ON, THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.)
DID YOU EVER FIND OUT HOW THE SUPPLY LINE WORKS FOR THIS PLACE
WHO MAKES WHAT AND HOW IT GETS HERE?
BECAUSE I SWEAR WHETHER PAINSTAKINGLY HANDCRAFTED, MACHINE MANUFACTURED, OR MAGICALLY ENGINEERED
(ERIDAN I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT YOUR SCIENCE OBSESSION THIS MORNING SO SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR CHUTE.)
I WILL HUNT DOWN THE PANDEAD JACKASS RESPONSIBLE FOR WHATEVER LINE OF CONSTRUCTION WENT INTO MAKING THIS ANGEL-CURSED FUCKING TOASTER AND DELIVER A STEAMING TIRADE OF HOT SCREW YOU DOWN HIS/HER/I DON'T CARE'S AURICULAR CANALS.
HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO JUST MAKE A TOASTER RIGHT????????
JEGUS CHRIST.
AND THE MOST DAMNING ASPECT OF IT ALL
THE THING THAT HAS CRAWLED UP MY NOOK, STUCK, AND DIED THERE TO BE A FESTERING PAIN UNTO THE EONS
IS THAT OF THE SINGULAR (JUST ONE!) SLICE I TRIED TO MAKE, ONLY ONE LITTLE CORNER GOT BURNED.
HOW DO YOU EVEN MESS UP THAT PRECISELY.
I AM SITTING HERE BOGGLING IN INFINITE BEFUDDLEMENT OVER HOW THIS GREAT STONKING TOOL MANAGED THAT DOOZY OF A COCK-UP.
IF IT HAD BEEN ANY WORSE I COULD HAVE THROWN THE TOASTER OUT COMPLETELY AS A HUNK OF USELESS, APPLIANCE-SHAPED SCRAP, BUT UP UNTIL TODAY THIS THING HAS WORKED WITH RELATIVELY LITTLE ISSUE.
SO WHY, FUCKING WHY, IS TODAY OF ALL DAYS THE ONE I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS UNMITIGATED BULLSHIT?
I SHOULD GO HUNT DOWN THE SALES DOUCHE RESPONSIBLE FOR HAWKING THIS PIECE OF CRAP TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE AND GRADUALLY VERBALLY CHOKE THE BASTARD ON THE SEVERAL PIECES OF MY MIND THIS INCIDENT HAS EARNED.
AND IF ANY ONE OF YOU EGREGIOUS BULGELICKS HAS SOMETHING STUPID TO SAY ABOUT THIS INCIDENT AS I KNOW YOU WILL, BE WARNED THAT IT WILL NOT BE WITHOUT EARNING THE SAME FATE.

Comments

voice;

[pinksugarprincess]

Geez, someone's angry today.

voice;

[bethehugejerk]

Angry? Is that all you got out of this? Is it too much of a strain for the cerebral cells the last dying bit of optimism in me hopes you have somewhere under that cotton candy you call hair? Or if you rub those cells together long enough will it spark a fire, burn out your skull, and spare me the annoyance of having to deal with a not even half-witted human child?

Of course I'm angry, stupid! And that little, jibing "geez" is far from the salve that will sooth the burns on my toast and by proxy my fraying nerves. It is a hopeless situation. Specialized docterrorists have been called in from around the region to assess the damage, and not one of them in all their summed up medical knowledge can help. All with stern, nodding chins agree: it's terminal. My hopes of breakfast are dead and gone, forever.

voice;

[pinksugarprincess]

Awww, don't worry about that. I was going to go get something to eat, I can bring you something too.

And then maybe you can take a nap, I think you need it.

voice;

[bethehugejerk]

I don't want you to bring me anything! Did I ask? Did I even think about asking? No, I didn't, and keep your unwarranted implication that I can't cook anything to yourself.

Secondly, sleep is for wigglers and those too lazy to handle life on a full-time alert schedule. Unlike the rest of you pathetic bulgelumps, I don't need sleep to make it through my day, let alone anything as childish as a nap.

[Text]

[sylphauxiliatrix]

Karkat
Not To Step On The Toes Of Your Moirail
But Please
Shut The Fuck Up
Every Little Setback In Your Life Is Not A Part Of Some Massive Multiuniversal Multitemporal Conspiracy To Make Your Life Miserable
Its Just A Toaster
Calm Your Insanely Over Sensitive Rumble Spheres

[Text]

[bethehugejerk]

NOW YOU'RE GIVING ME SHIT TOO?
WAY TO BE A PAL THERE KANAYA, REAL BANG UP JOB.
AND BEING AS YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING MY MOIRAIL, HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT YOUR OWN IMPERTINENT CHUTE, SCREW OFF, AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
IT IS NOT "JUST A TOASTER".
IT IS THE MAIN RUINING ELEMENT OF WHAT COULD HAVE OTHERWISE BEEN A PLAIN BUT PLEASANT MORNING
AND THE THING THAT PREVENTED ME FROM GETTING SOMETHING TO EAT.
THE WHOLE MEAL IS RUINED NOW.

[Text]

[sylphauxiliatrix]

Yes
Entirely Ruined Because Of A Tiny Little Corner Of One Piece Of Bread
How Rational Of You
I Hope That Your Meal Was More Substantial Than Just That Corner Of Toast
Or Are You Lumping Feeding In With Sleeping On Your List Of Personal Needs That You Just Decided You Do Not Have To Partake In

[Text]

[bethehugejerk]

KANAYA, IF I HAD BOTHERED TO SCRAPE OFF THE BURNT BIT WITH A KNIFE IT WOULD HAVE DEPRIVED ME OF PART OF THE BREAD
THEREBY LESSENING MY MEAL INTO A DISAPPOINTING PARODY OF ITSELF
AND ALTOGETHER NOTHING NEAR SATISFYING.
BUT FOR YOUR INFORMATION, NO, THE TOAST WAS NOT THE ONLY PART OF THE MEAL I HAD PLANNED, CORNER OR OTHERWISE.
I WAS GOING TO MAKE OTHER STUFF WITH IT, BUT IF IT WAS THAT DAMN EASY JUST TO RUIN A PIECE OF BREAD, THEN I AM UTTERLY POSITIVE THAT THE UNIVERSE WOULD NOT SUFFER TO LET ME MAKE THE REST WITHOUT INCIDENT.
I WOULD PROBABLY END UP WITH HALF THE MEAL VAULT ON FIRE.

[Text]

[420]

It's cHiLl.
My mOtHeRfUcKiN FoOtStUbS AiN'T FuCkIn tHrOd uPoN.


[who do you think he is, Kanaya? Eridan?]

[Text]

[bethehugejerk]

GAMZEE!
TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO THINKS THE AMBULATORY NIGHTLIGHT OUGHT TO TAKE NEEDLE TO CHUTE AND SEW HER BILLOWING WORDTRAP SHUT FOR THE DAY.

[Text]

[420]

BrOtHeR, pLeAsE.
I'M FeElIn lIkE AlL YoU MoThErFuCkErS OuGhTa tAkE A MoThErFuCkInG LoAd oF YoUr mOtHeRfUcKiN HoOvEs
AnD WoRk oN FiNdInG YoUr cHiLl zOnEs
ReAl
MoTHErFuCkin
HArd.

[text]

[unconchonable]

i dont givve a fuck if you dont wwant to hear one fuckin quip about howw magic is a FAKE FUCKIN THING because it is and im dowwnright fuckin INSULTED that youd allude to otherwwise
wwho givves a fuckin shit about your SHITTY BURNT TOAST wwhen youre spewwin blasphemies like this
just get a neww piece a goddamn bread
it isnt HARD kar fuckin GOD
and i thought you to be one a the more competent in our group but here you are provvin your anger dictates your think pan yet AGAIN
wwhy am i not fuckin surprised

[text]

[bethehugejerk]

ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, YOUR PREDICTABLE, POINTLESS BLATHERING RANKS AT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS JUNK.
NO ONE CARES, ERIDAN!
YOU CAN SCREAM INTO THE SKY, AT THE SCIENTISTS, AT HAPLESS PASSERS BY ON THE STREETS, AND NOT ONE IS GOING TO STOP AND FIRE UP THE NEURONS REQUIRED TO SO MUCH AS CONSIDER YOUR TIRED WHINING ABOUT THE SUPPOSED FAKENESS OF MAGIC.
I'VE SEEN MAGIC.
I HAVE SEEN IT REPEATEDLY.
I HAVE GAINED BENEFIT FROM IT.
SO HAVE YOU, AND NOT JUST FROM YOUR DUMB GLOWY WAND.
YOU REMEMBER LILY? DON'T THINK I DON'T REMEMBER WHEN YOU TRIED THAT ONE POTION SHE MADE, BECAUSE WE WERE BOTH THERE.
BUT OF COURSE IT CAN'T JUST END THERE.
WAY TO MISS THE POINT OF WHAT I WAS SAYING!
IF YOU HAD BOTHERED TO READ THE WHOLE THING THOROUGHLY, OR YOU KNOW, USED THAT ORGAN TAKING UP SPACE IN YOUR LOBE, YOU MIGHT HAVE REALIZED THAT THE TOASTER IS USELESS JUNK.
IT CAN'T BE TRUSTED TO PERFORM ITS FUNCTION PROPERLY, WHICH IS WHY YOU WILL CURRENTLY FIND IT DUMPED INTO THE GARBAGE.

[text]

[unconchonable]

fuck YOU
all a that wwas science disguised as magic you idiotic fuck
and for you to believve otherwwise speaks WWORLDS a your sponge-lackin because only a FOOL wwould lay on his back belly exposed like a tool and accept such fraudulent claims so readily
like some submissivve wwoofbeast to fiction
wway to fuckin disappoint me kar
and the reason none a these wworthless fucks wwould listen is because EVVERYONE is fuckin PAN STUNTED includin YOU
IF THE TOASTER IS BUSTED GET A NEWW ONE GENIUS
is it really that hard for you to just go get a neww fuckin toaster and make more toast
EVVERYTHIN IS FOR FUCKIN FREE KAR
its not like it COSTS you anythin
god i can understand wwhy someone from less than regal backrounds might be wwatchful a their expenditures but i thought at least by NOWW your rage-cravvin mind wwould figure out that wwe could havve fourty fuckin toasters if wwe so wwanted
SO STOP YOUR WWORTHLESS BITCHIN ABOUT SHIT THAT MEANS ALL A NOTHIN

[text]

[bethehugejerk]

IF A WHOLE SCHOOL OF WIZARDS PLOPPED DOWN AROUND YOU AND STARTED CHANTING SPELLS IN RIDICULOUS STAR-ADORNED ROBES IN THE MOST BIZARRE GOBBLEDEGOOK LANGUAGE IMAGINABLE, YOU WOULD STILL REMAIN UNCONVINCED, BECAUSE YOU'RE A MORON.
YOU ARE AN IDIOT UNTO THE AGES
A DIPSHIT OF TIMELESS CALIBER
A DUMBASS ETERNAL AND UNCHANGING.
NOT EVEN THE THICKEST MAGICAL TOME CLAPPED SOUNDLY OVER YOUR HORNS WOULD COME CLOSE TO BREACHING YOUR STONE SOLID SKULL AND INSTATING ONE INCREMENT OF LOGIC INTO YOUR SPONGE.
AND YET I'M THE ONE WHO DISAPPOINTS YOU?
LET ME JUST SOB MY HEART OUT AT THAT, BULGELORD.
AND I KNOW HOW TO GET ANOTHER TOASTER.
I, UNLIKE YOU, AM NOT THE INCURABLY RETARDED ONE HERE.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT IF I CAN'T TRUST THE CONSTRUCTION QUALITY OF ONE, HOW CAN I TRUST THAT ANY OF THE OTHERS WILL BE FUNCTIONAL ENOUGH TO TOAST THE BREAD RIGHT?
WHAT IF IT BURNS IT WORSE?
WHAT IF IT WORKS SO POORLY IT SETS THE HIVE ON FIRE??
AND SPARE ME YOUR EMPTY MEANINGLESS CRAP ABOUT BACKGROUNDS, BECAUSE THE ONLY THING YOURS HELPS YOU TO IS INTO BEING A ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS.

[oceanbreasts]

so liek
this is all over a burnt conrer of toast
y not just cut that corner off
totes nto that hard
*words and stuf

[bethehugejerk]

DOES NO ONE ON THIS NETWORK HAVE A BRAIN?
I CAN'T JUST CUT THE CORNER OFF, BECAUSE I WANTED THE WHOLE PIECE, NOT JUST PART MINUS A CORNER.
SCRAPING OFF THE BURNT BIT WITH THE EDGE OF A KNIFE WOULD HAVE SIMILARLY DEPRIVED ME OF WHAT I WANTED.
BUT OF COURSE WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN BOTHER TO SOBER YOURSELF UP LONG ENOUGH TO TYPE A SINGLE SENTENCE SANS TYPO, I SHOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO COMPREHEND THE POINT I'M MAKING.

[oceanbreasts]

i dont have to be sober to not make a typo i just have to actually give a fuck
look at that a complete thought without a single mistake this is like bizarre-o world or somethin
but what im gettin out of this is
youre crying over toast
is it your time of the month or what
do trolls even have a time of the month

[toreadorkabull]

i CAN MAYBE, mAKE YOU SOME TOAST,
mAYBE THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER,

[bethehugejerk]

WHY DO YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WANT TO MAKE ME TOAST?
I MIGHT HAVE HELPED YOU OUT WHEN YOU SHOWED UP WITH BUSTED LEGS LAST EARTH YEAR BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO INVITE YOU OVER FOR BREAKFAST.

[toreadorkabull]

i, uH, tHOUGHT IT WOULD BE A NICE THING TO DO,
sINCE YOU ARE UPSET ABOUT YOUR TOAST,
yOU COULD, aLWAYS COME HERE IF YOU WOULD RATHER VISITING YOU,
bE A THING i DIDN'T DO.

Text;

[observantly]

[Look who finally showed her face again to you, Karkat! A perfect day for a nice happy reunion, right? Right. Seeing this ugly writing again (and in such a massive post at that) really was grating on Yuno's nerves today. There was no way she could ignore the grey wall on her SFC...maybe it was the curse's fault.]

Are you seriously this pissed off over a toaster that you had to bother the rest of the world with your incessant hideous grey text so early in the day? Or at all, really.
How have you managed to not be banned from posting to the network yet?

Text;

[bethehugejerk]

[Fuck his life.]

1) YES I'M PISSED OFF OVER A TOASTER, SHUT UP.
2) PEOPLE DON'T GET BANNED FROM THE NETWORK, STUPID.
3) WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME???
WASN'T IT ENOUGH THAT YOU KILLED ME BEFORE.
I MEAN SERIOUSLY, I LEFT YOU ALONE ON PURPOSE.
I MADE PEOPLE LAY OFF WHEN THEY WANTED TO KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID!
I WANT THIS MESS OVER, NOT FOR IT TO START UP ABOUT HALF A YEAR AFTER THE FACT.
AND NO, THAT DOESN'T MEAN "WAIT UNTIL LATER"
IT MEANS I DON'T WANT IT HAPPENING AT ALL!
LOOK, I'M STAYING OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS, I MOVED AWAY FROM LARMLINE
(NO I'M NOT TELLING YOU WHERE TO)
AND I HAVE IN ALL ASPECTS MADE EFFORTS TO AVOID YOU SCREWING OVER MY LIFE AGAIN.
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT.

Text;

[observantly]

1. Then I guess I just underestimated how ignorant you are when you're angry. Just go buy a new toaster and stop giving everyone a headache.
2. You should be the first it happens to then maybe. Next time one of those scientists talk to us I'll be sure to suggest it for you. I'm sure they'd like there is already someone willing to volunteer for the project!

And don't flatter yourself, I'm not here to do anything to you no matter how badly your obnoxious rambling gives me a headache to read. I actually don't know why I'm even wasting my time talking to you, I just wanted to tell you to shut up and put your SFC away.

[almost text]

[rebull]

[Taps keys.]

[Nope.]