caughtinanetwork | of birds and bees and buckets

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of birds and bees and buckets

[The video shows Signless, sitting somewhere in the bubble, leaning comfortably against the enclosure wall. There's a school of brightly colored tropical fish behind him, circling and swimming close to his head, attracted by the red and orange stitches on his cloak's hood. He has a large, heavy book open across his lap.]

It's been brought to my attention that many of you here don't know about how troll reproduction works, or how relations between concupiscent quadrant partners are supposed to go. If you're interested in troll romance and how that works, let me direct you to a very thorough, very excellent explanation by my descendant, Karkat.

[Link to GUESSWHATSHITSTAINS.pdf.]

I'm here more to talk about reproduction. As it happens, trolls raise their young very differently from humans. We don't grow our young inside our bodies, and we are hatched from eggs rather than born live. When trolls reach the age of maturity, they are visited by the drones quarterly. When the drones visit, the two adult trolls are expected to produce genetic fluids and present them. We produce a significant amount of fluids, enough to fill a bucket when both partners are done, which the drone then takes away to the Mother Grub. All the fluids from all the trolls that quarter are mixed together, the Mother Grub uses them to fertilize herself, and then lays eggs. Those eggs eventually hatch into wigglers, which will grow into young trolls.

That's the biology of it. I understand that's quite different from how humans do things. However--[he holds up the book; it's a copy of Grey's Anatomy, the much ~~hated~~ loved tome of human medical students everywhere]--it looks like our parts are mostly compatible. Fascinating, isn't it?

[He puts the book down, and his expression grows serious.]

However, that's not really what I want to talk about. Reproduction is all well and good, but it isn't an issue here, not without drones or a Mother Grub. What I want to talk about is what leads up to reproduction.

You see, when two trolls pity or hate each other very much, they'll start getting feelings for each other, very special feelings that they don't feel for anyone else. These feelings are normal and expected, and everyone goes through them. I went through them, and so did every other troll who survived into adulthood.

[He smiles wistfully for a moment, the kind of smile that only someone who is far, far removed from puberty and can safely reminisce about it can make.]

Anyway, you'll start to want a partner, either in pity or in hate, and you'll want to do things with that partner, things you wouldn't do with anyone else. Again, this is normal. If you don't have a concupiscent quadrant partner, it's also normal to fantasize about having one, and what you'd do to them. That's fine, go ahead and do that. However, be aware that the reality of having a partner is often different from the fantasy, and almost always different from the way relationships are portrayed in films or books.

Now, when you're old enough, and both you and your partner are ready--and I can't emphasize that part enough, when you're old enough and both ready--you'll want to fill buckets with each other. There are many ways to do that, and half the fun is experimenting with each other and finding out what you both like! It's going to be different with each partner, although certain things are almost universal. When you first start filling buckets, don't expect to be good at it immediately. Pailing is a skill like any other; you will probably fumble and be awkward the first few times, but that's okay. It feels strange and awkward to everyone at first. You'll just need to practice! It gets better, I promise. Filling buckets with someone you really care about is one of the greatest feelings in all of paradox space.

To make it get better faster, talk to your partner. Tell them what you like, so they can do that to you, and likewise, ask them what they like so you can reciprocate. Even if your partner is a mind-reader, it's best to just tell them what you want. But don't be demanding! Ask nicely, and be open to what they want to do too. Communication is key, in this, as in everything else.

[He smiles beatifically at the camera.]

And in the spirit of communication... does anyone have any questions?

[OOC: a few things about this post!

1.) Please don't add any new comments to Karkat's romance post that I linked here. It's old and has a ton of comments already.

2.) Please don't ask specific questions about troll junk. We've got a big cast and no one headcanon about what they're packing, so let's just keep it vague. It's compatible with humans, that's all you need to know.

3.) I put up two threads down below: "Responses" and "Action." If you want to talk to Signless, please thread under "Responses." If any of the threads end up going into action (which is fine!), please move them to the "Action" thread. I'm tracking the "Responses" thread but not the "Action" one; this is to help me keep track of everything.]

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Well yes it's a natural outflow and inevitability of the concupiscent quadrants based on the feelings that accompany them, but...

But you...

[Huff.]

I answered some questions I had been asked. That's all.

[Let him just private this here...]

It's okay if this makes you a little uncomfortable right now, Karkat. There are no drones here, so you have all the time in the world to decide if you're ready or not.

[Excuse him while he goes a bit red.]

I know there are no drones, okay? I'd be culled no matter what I did if there were.

[Though, he's not really going to focus on that.]

It's just awkward to actually talk about.

[Just going to ignore the part about the drones...]

I know. It's a difficult topic, especially when you're just starting to have those kinds of feelings. Don't feel obligated to talk to me about it, if it makes you uncomfortable. Just know that I'm here, if you have any questions, now or in the future.

[Hahaha oh Signless, he was disappointed Jade wouldn't make out with herself over a year ago. Not to mention all the sexual metaphors and the like, but things are a bit different like this.]

It's--not that. It's just weird when you're so nonchalant about it.

[Signless figured as much, but he's trying to be gentle here.]

Well, I think everyone will listen better and learn more if I don't get upset or worked up about it. It's the kind of topic where it's important to stay calm.

I yelled about romance and they learned plenty.

[Granted, Signless yelling about pailing on the network would be even more awkward, but a tangent is good to talk about.]

Edited 2012-04-05 01:45 (UTC)

That's true, they did. But yelling isn't really my style, you know that.

[Signless can dodge around this all day, see if he can't.]

[... Grump.]

So it isn't, but it's useful, especially when you want to communicate the facts through the thick skulls of idiots who wouldn't be assed to listen properly otherwise.

I suppose. Oh, well. As long as it ends with everyone knowing something they didn't before, right?

[Eyeroll, shrug.]

I guess.

[Fidget fidget. There's clearly something on his mind but man he needs another topic to avoid it with!!]

--So what's with the orange on your hood?

Do you like it? Serph offered to let me join his tribe, and part of joining it is showing its color. Their tribe is orange, so I stitched over the red stitches to show solidarity.

[Look out, Karkat, your dad joined a gang.]

Tribe? What kind of tribe?

[He heard something about that once from another guy ~~from that canon~~, but no details.]

I think it's like their version of family, or blood castes. Either way, Serph and Cielo are my friends, and I'm honored they asked me to be a part of it.

Cielo? I used to know him, but we haven't really talked since he showed up since he doesn't remember me.

[ . . . ]

[Fuck what's another topic, why can't he think of another topic?]

I mentioned you to him, and he says he'd like to talk to you again. So he's interested, if you are as well.

[Pause, then very gently:]

Is there anything else you want to talk about, son?

Oh? He was my friend then, so yeah, sure.

[........]

Pfft! No. What else would there to be to talk about? This conversation is petering off into a quiet and awkward end due to the lack of subjects to converse on, not because there's anything else I want to talk about. I mean what kind of idiot doesn't just say it when there's something they're worried about, that's counterproductive. There's nothing. At all. You're imagining shit.

I suppose I am. You must have a better handle on these things when I did at your age. I know that I was just brimming over with questions and concerns and that it was extremely awkward to talk about them. Psii and I used to have entire conversations over text, even when we were sitting right next to each other.

[Here, let him just...]

KIND OF LIKE THIS. I DON'T KNOW, IT FELT LIKE IT MADE THINGS EASIER.

GOD THIS IS STUPID, HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO HELP.
I'M NOT PSII, YOU'RE NOT SOLLUX
YOU'RE MY ANCESTOR AND WEIRD FATHER FIGURE AND HELL IF I KNOW HOW THAT'S SUPPOSED TO IMPACT THIS.
DO FATHER FIGURES DO THIS??
SHOULD WE EVEN BE TALKING ABOUT THIS???
WHICH IS STILL NOT TO SAY I HAVE ANYTHING TO ASK
I CAN TALK ABOUT HOW AWKWARD IT WOULD BE TO BRING UP CERTAIN SUBJECTS WITH YOU EVEN IF I DON'T HAVE THEM TO BRING UP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

MY IMPRESSION OF HUMAN FATHER FIGURES IS THAT THEY WANT TO HELP THEIR HUMAN SONS AND DAUGHTERS AND GUIDE THEM ON THEIR LIFE JOURNEYS. AND SINCE THIS IS A PRETTY IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE, I THOUGHT I'D OFFER.

BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S AWKWARD. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, WE DON'T HAVE TO.

IT'S JUST
SO MAYBE IT'S IMPORTANT BUT
IT

I LIVE WITH MY MATESPRIT AND MY KISMESIS IS SO STRONG HE CAN BARELY EVEN TOUCH ME ON MY OWN IN EVEN THE MOST INANE SITUATIONS.
DO YOU GET WHY THIS IS REALLY WEIRD TO THINK ABOUT FOR ME NOW.

I GET IT, KARKAT. I REALLY DO.

YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST ONE TO ASK ABOUT THE ZAHHAK BOY TODAY, AND I'VE ALREADY PROMISED GAMZEE THAT I'M GOING TO TALK TO DARKLEER ABOUT THE WHOLE STRONG THING. IF ANYONE WOULD KNOW A WAY AROUND IT, IT'S HIM. SO I'M JUST GOING TO ASK YOU TO BE PATIENT ON THAT FRONT, AT LEAST UNTIL I TALK TO DARKLEER.

REGARDING YOUR MATESPRIT, THOUGH... WELL, I'M MOIRAILS WITH DUALSCAR NOW, SO I KNOW A BIT MORE ABOUT SEADWELLERS THAN I DID BEFORE.

WELL I
LILY MADE THESE STRENGTH POTIONS WHICH HELP THINGS BUT
I CAN'T ALWAYS COUNT ON HER FOR THAT SORT OF THING.
SO
YEAH I'LL DO THAT.

[Man he still feels awkward though.]

BUT YOU AND DUALSCAR? SERIOUSLY?
...
ARE YOU TRYING TO COPY ME?
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET DRUNK AT A PARTY AND MAKE OUT WITH HIM, ARE YOU.

WELL, I CAN'T SPEAK FOR DUALSCAR, BUT I CERTAINLY DON'T INTEND TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM ANY TIME SOON, DRUNK OR OTHERWISE.

DID YOU KNOW SEADWELLERS HAVE AN ENTIRE LANGUAGE WITH THEIR FINS? THEY CAN SPEAK TO EACH OTHER UNDERWATER USING NOTHING BUT FIN GESTURES.

WHAT, REALLY?
ERIDAN MOVES HIS FINS PLENTY BUT HE'S NEVER MENTIONED A SPECIFIC LANGUAGE
AND I'VE LIVED WITH HIM FOR OVER HALF A YEAR NOW.

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of birds and bees and buckets

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