First Pickup Line; Text

[justnevwerevwen]

vwell vwell vwell.
i bet none of you knewv i vwas here did you? thats because unlike most of you chumps, i decided to vwatch and learn before i came crying to the netvwork like a total lamer!
and because i figured this vwould givwe me the most dramatic entrance. i alvways did like havwing a little flair.
so nowv that thats out of the vway, i can introduce myself properly to all you cats and kittens.
the names cronus ampora. this place blowvs the dream bubbles out of the vwater by far.
hahahaha im such a car.
do you see vwhat i did there? blowvs it out of the vwater?
i slay myself.
so howv about coming and introducing yourselvwes? im itching to meet all of you avwesome people.

Comments

[spacecase]

[Right. Went from friendly to overbearing and creepy rather fast.]

i have a history with the trolls, lets just leave it at that

[And no he is not the friendliest troll, dammit, that's Kanaya >8(]

you do not even know a thing about me, how do you even know meeting me would be good at all?
here--

[And she flicks on the video. Congratulations, Cronus, there is now one (1) dog-eared Witch of Space on the feed.]

'Sup?

[justnevwerevwen]

i knowv because i knowv!

[When her video comes on, he takes a moment to admire how much he wants to tap that how pretty she is. Then, the video is flicked on his end.]

Vwell hello there, beautiful.

[spacecase]

Jade Harley, Ampora, let's not start with the cute nicknames on the first meeting.

[#also this feels familiar #omg are you copying eridan in megafindoucheness]

Would you mind if I asked about what happened with your session?

[justnevwerevwen]

Oh, but it vwasn't a nickname! It vwas the simple truth. Is there something vwrong vwith telling the truth?

[#cant be tamed #eridan copies him #havwe sex vwith me please #the dog ears are hot]

Vwhy vwould you vwant to knowv about something depressing like that? Vwe should talk about something more fun. Do you like music? I am a songvwriter, you knowv.

[spacecase]

Riiiight.

[#get your eyes checked #oh no are you one of the furries on the internet john warned me about #how do trolls even have sex]

I'm curious is all. Damara was nice, but I could barely understand her.

[The change of subject is 0k, though, it gets a smile out of her.]

I play electric bass! What sort of songs do you write?

[justnevwerevwen]

[Squints. Damara, nice? Okaaay. Right.]

Yeah, I don't think vwery many people CAN understand her.

[#with pails #also tentacles #only a furry for you babe]

Oh really? Vwell that sounds like a cool thing for a cool kitten like you. I write all kinds of songs! Maybe we could get together one day and I can play you one.

[spacecase]

Sure, sounds like it could be fun. I can bring a friend or two and you would have a mini-concert.

[#aka: bulge-blocked]

[justnevwerevwen]

Vwhoa, vwhoa, vwvoa- shit. I mean-! [Goddamn words.] Vwho said anything about putting on a concert? This vwould be a privwate showv, just betwveen the tvwo of us!

[spacecase]

What's the matter, you shy?

[Yeah she's not going anywhere alone with this guy.]

[justnevwerevwen]

No, of course not! Do I really look the shy type? I just think it vwould be more... special, if vwe vwere alone!

[spacecase]

Aww, I have never met a troll that's so interested in friendship right off the bat!

[justnevwerevwen]

Vwhat? No! I vwas thinking it could be something a little more red than friendship, if you knowv vwhat I mean...

[#please dont friendzone me #im a nice guy #why are you being like this]

[spacecase]

Slow down there, Nessie, I just met you.

[#and this is crazy]

I get that trolls gotta hook up fast and do the pail thing or else they're culled, but it's not like that here. Chill.

[...One more thing--]

Moreover, I'm not available in any quadrant.

[justnevwerevwen]

[#but heres my number #so fuck me maybe]

Vwhat do you mean you're not avwailable in any quadrant? Are you saying you, a human, havwe filled all of your quadrants? Howv? Vwith vwo?

[spacecase]

Humans only have the red quadrant and I have no interest in filling that one or any of your pale, ashen or black quadrants.

[#meaning im single but #no way hombre]

If you are coming into this with no interest besides getting into other peoples' pants, you are going to have a hard time making friends here.

[justnevwerevwen]

That isn't the only thing I vwant! Givwe me more credit than that. Is it really my fault that you're so gorgeous? You'vwe captured my heart and vwon't let it go. I think I'm in human lovwe at first sight vwith you! Vwould you really turn away something that vwas clearly fated?

[spacecase]

Dude. Calm your fins.

[She's poking at the screen right now since she can't whap him with a newspaper.]

Why are you blaming me for any so-called attraction you have towards me? Yeah, it's not your fault if you do find me attractive--which you sound really insincere about the more you say it, by the way--but it's not my fault either. I don't control that, nor would I want to! It's just mean-spirited.

Speaking of mean-spirited, that whole "you turned me away oh woe is me" thing is pretty fucking mean-spirited too. I am not obligated to answer something as nebulous as something "fated" and you do not have any right to guilt-trip me--or attempt to.

So back up, hold your hoofbeasts, reexamine what the hell you're saying before you even say it, because it's not nice at all right now.

[justnevwerevwen]

[Blah blah blah honestly that's pretty much all he's hearing right now.]

Are you seriously trying to pin this back on me? Howv is anything I'm doing bad here? That is the most ridiculous thing I'vwe evwer heard. I am not being mean! Howv is being in human lovwe vwith you mean? I vwas just trying to get you to open your eyes and see vwhat is right in front of you. The potential for happiness and true lovwe! But instead your denying it. That is mean!

[spacecase]

Bluh! You keep talking about this "love" shit, but you probably do not even know jack about the whole thing. People are nice because they want to be nice, not because they want something.

[Does she need to teleport him up to the island for a timeout. Because it sounds like he needs a timeout.]

[justnevwerevwen]

Vwhat makes you think that I don't knowv anything about lovwe? I knowv vwhat I'm feeling right nowv!

[It is entirely possible that he does.]

[spacecase]

You are a troll. They consider hate romance and pity love, so no, I do not think you understand a thing about human love.

I am perfectly willing to forget that you are being a finny douche right now and start over as friends, if you say sorry for forcing this conversation onto me.

[justnevwerevwen]

Vwhoa, vwhoa, hold up! I am so vwery insulted right nowv. I vwill havwe you knowv that I am actually... humankin. I indentify as a human greaser! I knowv exactly vwhat your human lovwe is and howv it vworks!

Maybe I vwill apologize if you apologize for being so insensitivwe! Evwen if I really didn't do anything vwrong.

[spacecase]

What the hell is a greaser, it sounds gross.

So I guess that means it fits you perfectly.

[And here's the inhale:]

Okay! I will apologize! I'm sorry that you're such a shitty fucking troll douche you can't even see the big picture with your head shoved so far up your ass.

By the way--[what's that? It's the glow of minty fresh space magic.] You're on timeout, mister.

[The feed clicks off here, but then there's a ZAP!

In the next few moments Cronus will find himself up on the island. Have fun finding the way back to the city.]

[justnevwerevwen]

I'm vwha-?

[But he never gets the chance to say anything, or even defend the honor of greasers, because suddenly he is on an island.]

Vwhat the hell? Howv did you- Hello? Come back! Vwhat did you do! Vwhere am I? Come on this isn't funny! Howv do I get back?!