caughtinanetwork | 1st record

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alright so just kind of chilling here on the beach instead of some underwater city this info guide talks about
and you know thatd be kind of cool if it werent for one major issue
what the fuck just happened
seriously i think i just got whiplash from trying to figure out where that five minutes went so wrong
i mean the first time i got teleported randomly at least it wasnt just me
landed right on my ass confused as hell but i wasnt the only one
its easier to sit there and look like a tool when youre in a group trying to figure out what the hells going on
its lame to lay on a beach alone looking like a tool getting wet sand in places sand doesnt need to be

read over the whole welcome thing so ok cool i get it
stranger shit has happened i guess so why the fuck not
moving on to try and be somewhat productive here
sup names dave
tell me theres someone that knows me here cause itll make this shit a lot easier
or worse
idk i guess well see
like id say something is better than nothing but i can think of a lot of cases where that wouldnt really be true
so for better or worse i guess
isnt there like a saying or something that knowings half the battle
does that apply to this situation?
well it does now because i say so

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kankris a major douchebag that doesnt know when to shut up
and me and karkat had a rocky start yeah
but when im from hes totally my best bro and nothings gonna change that
no matter how paranoid he is otherwise

sure i wouldnt mind
never hurts to get to know more trolls
all of you just keep surprising me
the whole weird in a cool way thing

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO CARE ABOUT "SPOILERS", IT'S ANNOYING AND ACCOMPLISHES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
SPOILERS ARE IRRELEVANT HERE, DAVE.
I HAVE BEEN SPOILED TO HELL AND BACK ON A TON OF THINGS ALREADY IN WAYS THAT ARE ULTIMATELY UNAVOIDABLE BY VIRTUE OF INHABITING THIS PLACE WITH PEOPLE THAT ORIGINAL VERSE ME STRICTLY HAS NOT MET YET FROM MY POINT OF THE TIMELINE.
FURTHERMORE, IF I EVER GO BACK, I WON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT!
YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF YOUR PAST TIMES HERE, DO YOU????
THEN YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT SPOILERS.
TIMELINES HAVE NOT DERAILED, ALL OF US HERE ARE ALIVE AND WELL, AND THAT GOES EVEN FOR THOSE OF US WHO WERE DEAD BEFORE ARRIVING.
JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED RECENTLY FOR YOU, YOU INCONTROVERTIBLE SHITSTAIN.

["Other me". Funny, Davesprite doesn't consider himself Dave at all while the original does. Kinda makes Bro hope that Dave will be the one to convince his sprite self to stop being a moron about that. ... You know, once Davesprite wakes up from his magical coma.]

whats there to tell? i was there.

heard plenty about what went on after that. you know. universe resetting and troll meteors. something about a party boat.

[Nobody ever told him what happened to the other parental figures who were taken to the Medium, but he can wager a guess. In fact, Grandpa Harley's fate was already set in stone anyway. Time travel's a bitch.]

keep it to yourself man. you look like a moron.

[Time to play "How bad can I break Karkat's alien brain"]

okay then
started off with trying to convince you that yes well always be best bros and no you werent going to be forgotten just cause all your alien bros ditched you and we were about to enter the alpha session and meet up with john and jade who you thought for some reason were going to replace you
because you were like stupid paranoid about that and got some lame ass idea in your head that youd be forgotten about just because other humans around again
talked about how much gamzee sucked and how he was ruining terezis life because apparently their weird blackrom shit had gone too far and even she knew she was falling apart because of it
found out terezi apparently got her eyesight back out of poor life choices that also involved gamzee
realized we had no fucking idea how to stop the meteor now that we were already in the new session
you were bitching because you couldnt fly so we couldnt just jump onto one of the passing planets and you refused to be carried
then jade showed up out of fucking no where looking scary as a motherfucker like she was possessed or something
then suddenly all of us were teleported off of the meteor into a pile at johns feet at some grassy planet
then i woke up on this stupid fucking beach
and that was my last half hour
the last three incidents taking place in the span of three fucking minutes so im still trying to get a grip on things here
but jades not psycho so im pretty chill right now

THE

WHAT.

when i found you

[He can't say "your body", it's just too disturbing at this point. It's only by sheer will power that he's managing to talk about this. He hasn't talked about it since it happened.]

the bastard stole your shades too
i thought about taking your sword but in the end i couldnt do it

[Yeah, that makes his day a little better.]

sorry karkat what were you saying
something about spoilers being irrelevant
isnt everything i just said totally irrelevant then so whats the big deal

WHAT THE GODAWFUL FUCK.
YOU'RE MESSING WITH ME, AREN'T YOU.
MY MIND IS YOUR PERSONAL DUMPING GROUND AND THAT ABOVE IS THE TRASH YOU ARE FILLING IT WITH.

omg davey ur back
again
i guess this is like the thirtieth time or someshit
idk looks like ur goin for the record
go fight win or whatevs
even if u dont remember it im still gonna say wb neway

everything i just told you is the undeniable truth
i wouldnt make this shit up
i mean theres a lot of shit id make up just for shits and giggles but when i know the truth is going to throw you off way more ill go with that
besides why the fuck would i lie about any of that crap
like all of that is so not funny its almost worse than dane cook

im gonna take a guess at teen mom
or was it roxy
i think thats the name nepeta listed out that matches up
am i right
yeah good to be back i guess not like i remember shit but whatever
thanks anyway

[Oh. Uh. That's not something that really occured to Bro before. Sure, he figured Dave would find his body. Sure, he knows Davesprite saw it up close. But this? He'll just have to play it cool. Yup.]

so its still in there.

guess it doesnt matter. i mean. waste of a perfectly good katana but its not like anyone else could handle that baby.

pretty damn butthurt about the shades though. those are a fucking collectible.

[...]

wait. what about cal?

WHO'S DANE COOK
DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW.
BUT JUST, LET'S DO THIS THE SLOW AND LOGICAL WAY SO MY SPONGE HAS A CHANCE TO PARSE THIS WITHOUT CANNIBALIZING ITSELF IN AN ATTEMPT TO SPARE ME THE HEADACHE.
I AGREED TO TRY THE FRIENDSHIP THING WITH YOU HERE LAST TIME SO THAT PART ISN'T SO WEIRD
AND FUTURE ME IS ALWAYS WORKED UP ABOUT SOMETHING STUPID SO THAT'S NOT UNEXPECTED EITHER.
BUT WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT WITH GAMZEE.
BLACKROM? WITH TEREZI????

i was under the assumption it was just a piece of shit katana like all the other ones and tried to break it so i didnt have to pull it out
that didnt end too well so i just left it be
didnt see cal around anywhere
at least not there
i mean i guess the guy traveled around cause one of the trolls had him
and i remembered that there was seriously a time when one of them said that cal was talking to him and telling him to kill everyone
so thats a mild matter of concern
my guess is that jack took him from you then when he ended up in the trolls session to fuck them over he had cal with him and thats how he got there
time shenanigan bullshit

the worst sad excuse for a comedian known to the universe
you totally hate him too because he sucks so hard
out of all the things to talk about does it have to be that
me and terezi were dating for a while until i noticed she was sneaking around in the vents doing the black thing with gamzee
that really didnt sit well so i just said fuck it and called it off
gamzee pale dumped you so you werent so happy with him either and we were basically both just like fuck that guy and his stupid religion
basically the bro thing started because we were literally the only two people on the meteor who had jack else to do aside from the mayor
gamzee and terezi were off doing their thing
kanaya and rose were always off doing whatever they were doing
so we had nothing better to do than just hang out or deal with assholes in the bubbles and hang with the mayor in can town

bro. gimme some credit. you really think my prized katana could be a cheap piece of shit like yours? its called unbreakable for a reason.

and i dont see how snapping it in half accomplishes the same as pulling it out.

but damn. sounds like cal really got around. thats cool. little guy deserves to see the world.

dunno why hed tell trolls to kill everyone though. thats not how i raised him.

[Yeahhh, he may be trying to lighten the mood with terrible humor. Thing is, not even Bro can really grasp this Cal thing. He saw two of them around the Incisphere. One of them was in the ectobiology lab, wearing the purple outfit that he had on when Bro was just a young child, so he made the connection to the Reckoning soon enough, but... damn if that didn't break his brain just a little.]

Edited 2013-04-30 20:33 (UTC)

YES, IT HAS TO BE THAT, BECAUSE NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
EVEN WITH THE EXPLANATION IT STILL DOESN'T.
WHY DID GAMZEE BREAK UP WITH ME
AND WHY DID TEREZI AND HIM GO CALIGINOUS FOR EACH OTHER???
I KNOW HE KILLED EQUIUS AND NEPETA BUT I DEALT WITH THAT, DIDN'T I
OR AT LEAST
I HAD IT DEALT WITH.
SHIT, WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON WITH THAT METEOR.
OR WENT ON
WILL GO ON?
WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE WHAT THE RIGHT TENSE IS.
AND WHO'S THE MAYOR?

roxy is p spot on but ill totes respond to teen mom
man the whole strider brood is here now
time to throw u all into a pile and just lay on top
queen of the hill

the mayor is the most awesome dude ever

[Because clearly that's the most important question out of all of it. Or at least the only one he's fully comfortable answering.]

dont look at me i still dont understand that weird hatemance thing and i really dont want to
and the thing with gamzee was i think it had something to do with the fact that he said he didnt need you anymore
something lame to do with his religion and finding what he needs in the new session we were heading toward
you pretty much just said fuck it because at least he wasnt killing anyone anymore so it didnt matter all that much
and none of us really know what the hell started going on
like the last year of it was a fucking nightmare and the worst time ever
which apparently horrible shit going down and friends with unhealthy addictions is perfect bro bonding material because we were so fed up with everyone elses bullshit by that point
like you thought that terezis addiction to faygo was a horrible unhealthy life choice
i thought roses alcoholism was a horrible life choice
and neither of us got what the fuck the big deal was with the other when i guess they were both pretty big fucking deals in their own ways

that unbreakable thing would have been good information before i went and did an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle
i guess i thought if i broke it without pulling it out at least there wouldnt be any more blood spilled
no idea what was up with cal either man maybe he was just hanging with some bad influences

[Or maybe the puppet was fucking evil and not to be trusted and all of Dave's fears and paranoia about him were completely justified. But he's not gonna say that to Bro.]

OKAY, THAT ANSWERS NOTHING, BUT I WILL TAKE IT AS ONE LESS THING TO WORRY ABOUT.
THE REST
I JUST GIVE UP.
GAMZEE'S RELIGION IS STUPID AS HELL AND ALWAYS WILL BE, BUT HE HASN'T PULLED ANYTHING LIKE THAT ON ME ABOUT IT.
LIKE
WE'VE BEEN GOING OVER A YEAR NOW AND IT'S PRETTY DAMN STABLE.
EVEN IF HE'S NOT THE DANGER TO EVERYONE HE WAS WHEN HE WENT OFF THE SLIME, WE'RE GOOD FOR EACH OTHER.
I WOULD ASK WHY TEREZI WOULD GET ADDICTED TO FAYGO BUT THAT IS PALTRY NEXT TO THE BIG BLACKROM THING WHICH APPARENTLY YOU CAN'T EVEN CLARIFY FOR ME.
BUT I WILL SAY THAT SUGARY CRAP IS VILE.
I HAD IT ONCE UNDER SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES AND DO NOT SEEK TO REPEAT THE EXPERIENCE.
NOW WHAT'S ALCOHOLISM?

ok cool cause thats what we were calling you before
when we saw you snoring away in a dream bubble
also fyi if youre gonna be queen of strider hill you gotta have some sick credentials to hold that title
not just anyone gets to sit on a pile of striders you know

my credentials are im roxy fucking lalonde and i say so
whatre you gonna do fight me about it
i already got davesprite to conceded to letting me call him adorable im p sure i can wrangle a couple more striders in

what. the blades still gonna be stuck in my chest. just broken. that doesnt change shit.

[Wow, why is he even arguing this matter? That is so not the right thing to do right now.]

i mean. whats done is done. the lesson to be learned here is that you cant put too much fucking thought into stuff like that.

yeah considering who took cal in the first place. id call that a bad influence. fucking jack noir.

if you happen to see the homicidal troll in question shoot me a warning. gotta make sure to keep cal far away from him just in case. dont want trolls getting launched into a hysterical rampage at the sight of my lil puppet pal.

[Yes, guess who came to Vatheon with Bro? Guess who's hanging over his shoulder as he types this? Cal's staring down at the SFC with his dead eyes right this very second.]

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[TEXT] it is a great mercy to me that Karkat is from before his Dane Cook phase

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[TEXT/Private] Dave sure as fuck appreciates it

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