caughtinanetwork | video; open

Entry tags:

video; open

... It's waxing crescent again.

[That's what he mutters after a while. The camera's facing what looks to be the horizon over the island and floating not too low in the sky is the moon, just a small, sharp sliver of bright white.

For those who recognize the voice, it's undoubtedly Saix speaking, but there's something different about it all the same. It sounds... almost mesmerized, as if he's not quite all there. That's because whoever's been stuck inside of this body can't quite control it yet and thanks to the moon's power, far away or as different as it is from the one back home, Axel can barely focus his mind and body on anything else.

Originally he had intended for this to be a normal video. He wanted to address the rest of the dome the way he used to when he was in his regular body. Maybe if he tossed out a joke or two he would feels better... but he finds that he can't. Not like this.

Something tugs at his chest and off to the side Axel brings a hand to his face, covering his eyes. He doesn't like this... feeling so out of power. After a moment, he speaks up again, his voice slightly grating.]

Someone tell me... How do you know if you have a heart?

And is it worth all the trouble it gives?

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I don't know.

A lot of our work was shrouded in Darkness most of the time.

But we still had an idea of what we were aiming for, didn't we?

I think so. I just don't think I was confident enough to reach that goal.

[Without emotions to weigh him down here, it's much easier to talk like this.]

It wasn't a matter of confidence for me.

So what was it a matter of?

I just knew I had to do it. I couldn't let myself get distracted by the idea of failure. I couldn't let myself get distracted by anything. I guess that's what you called 'distant' but I just wanted to get our hearts back more than anything. Especially for you, or at least that's how it felt in the beginning.

[This is more open than he'd ever normally be willing to share, but- it feels like it hurts to keep it inside, almost enough to make him nauseous. ]

[... This is so weird. It's more than he's ever heard Saix admit, even if it is coming from his own body. Because of the curse, can those words really be genuine, then? Maybe he's just too flustered, still unable to understand whatever feelings are inside Axel's chest.

For another long while he doesn't respond, both because he's back to focusing on the moon and because he wants to think of what to say.]

I didn't know.

[That's the most he feels he can say. Anything else just seems like it would be ridiculous.]

I thought it was obvious.

[So to be told that he was distant, that he didn't care when, if he was even capable of it, Axel and their goal was the only thing he cared about. And then he left. And everything seemed like so much trash because it was doomed to fail.]

[Everything they had worked so hard for together, gone. A friendship he had actually dared to believe in wasn't really thought the same by the other. How was he supposed to react to that?]

I didn't think you were capable of caring about much of anything.

[And out of all people, Axel knew Saix better than anyone.]

Maybe it wasn't really caring, then. All I know is that Isa made a promise to Lea, and I wouldn't let anything stand in my way to make it come true.

Then you left.

[Another pause]

I'm sorry.

[He's said it before and this time around it seems really strange to say when he can't even feel anything about it- But there it is.]

Edited 2013-08-10 08:13 (UTC)

[Another long pause. He keeps... saying that. Now more than ever, Saix doesn't know how to react to it. He wants to be disbelieving, he wants to be suspicious, but his throat keeps tightening until it feels like he'll suffocate and there's that twisting again..]

Did you ever want me to apologize?

Not really. I didn't see any reason for you to.

[To be honest, a lot of what went wrong does fall on Axel's shoulders. It's not like he really needs an apology when he knows he's done wrong. But at least like this he doesn't feel so bad. He just... recognizes it.]

[Why does this person have to make things so difficult for him?]

I don't understand you. Even with a heart, I feel like that hasn't changed.

What don't you understand?

[He knows there's a lot that Saix probably doesn't get, to be honest.]

[...'Everything' probably isn't going to make this conversation go quicker.]

What you want from me, for starters.

I want to understand you.

[Boy, this is awkward.]

Edited 2013-08-10 09:03 (UTC)

Anything in particular?

[Yes, really... really... awkward.]

Well, you answered one thing: why you were so distant. Now I guess I just want to understand everything.

I still don't understand how that wasn't obvious. What did you and the rest of the Organization think I was doing with all my spare time? I wasn't writing a 700 page book full of love poems for Xemnas, I was doing actual work so that I could keep my position.

It's just not something I'm used to when it comes to you.

[Sure, Isa had always been quiet, but he wasn't so disconnected from people like this, especially Lea. Those boys were practically joined at the hip.]

If you say so.

[Yes, he might be huffing at the other end of the line, what of it. This whole conversation is just... confusing. It hurts a little, too.]

You can't just say 'everything' and expect to get a straight answer. We need to start off somewhere first.

Then we can start with this.

What do you want from me?

[...Touche.]

Back before all of this happened, when I was in my own body, I think I wanted to kill you.

Maybe that's not it. I think I just wanted to see you die for myself, on some level. Maybe it's just your body, but I don't want that anymore, not right now.

[He's starting to realize how fucked up actually saying that desire comes off as...]

Why would you wanna see that?

[He's not as surprised as he could be, but that's probably because of this body.]

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