caughtinanetwork | 046 ♋ [TEXT]

Entry tags:

046 ♋ [TEXT]

WHAT FOUL AND MERCILESS ENTITY ROLLED OUT OF THE SPECIES APPROPRIATE SLUMBER APPARATUS AND DECIDED TO INVENT TIME
WHY, IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS, DID THIS ASSHOLE INSTILL INTO LIVING BEINGS THE CONCEPT OF THINGS HAPPENING BEFORE AND AFTER EACH OTHER
AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE AFFLICTED WITH THIS WHEN I'M NOT EVEN A FUCKING TIME PLAYER.
WAS IT NOT ENOUGH TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE ENDLESS STABLE TIME LOOPS HOLDING THE SHODDY STICKS AND TWINE OF OUR TIMELINE TOGETHER?
WHAT ABOUT THE FLUX OF PEOPLE BACK AND FORTH FROM DIFFERENT SPOTS ALONG THAT LINE LIKE BACKWASH FROM AN ILL-CLEANED MOUTH INTO A SOULMELTING BOTTLE OF FAYGO???
WELL I GUESS THE FUCK NOT, BECAUSE HERE I AM BEING FORCED TO DEAL WITH OVER FIVE YEARS WORTH OF MEMORIES LAID OVER THE TOP OF EACH OTHER LIKE PARADOX SPACE DECIDED TO MAKE A PARTICULARLY AWFUL SANDWICH OUT OF THEM.
SAID SANDWICH HAS THEN BEEN FORCE FED DIRECTLY INTO MY THINK PAN
I AM OVERSTUFFED WITH RECOLLECTION AND REMEMBRANCE
MY BRAIN WOULD VOMIT IF IT WERE PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. CONTEMPLATE THAT FOR A MINUTE.
OR HOWEVER LONG, I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE UNITS, AND NONE OF IT WILL APPROXIMATE THE SCREAMING HEADACHE CURRENTLY DECIMATING MY CRANIAL UNIT.
COULD I NOT HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS IN EASILY DIGESTED PIECES
WOULD THAT BE SO FUCKING HARD TO DO.
SURE, SEND ME BACK A COUPLE HOURS THAT FIRST TIME, BUT NO! YOU SCIENTIST NOOKMONGERS JUST *HAD* TO GIVE ME THE FULL THREE YEARS.
WHO CARES THAT I WAS ALREADY 15 AND A HALF IN EARTH YEARS, I OBVIOUSLY NEEDED THE SQUALID, STULTIFYING EXPERIENCE OF LIVING SOME OF THEM TWICE! PLUS AN EXTRA FEW MONTHS!!
SO UNTIL MY SPONGE STOPS TRYING TO CANNIBALIZE ITSELF (ETA: NOT FUCKING SOON ENOUGH), DO NOT EXPECT COHERENCY FROM ME
BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN SORT OUT THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF "YESTERDAY" FROM THE FESTERING REMAINS OF MY OWN THOUGHT ORGAN.
YESTERDAY MEANS TOO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW.
YESTERDAY CAN FRANKLY GO FUCK ITSELF TWICE IN A BRAND NEW ORIFICE I'VE JUST INVENTED FOR IT.
ALL I KNOW IS THE LESS I SEE OF POSSESSED PSYCHOPATHS AND THEIR WEAPONIZED CUTLERY, THE BETTER.
SOMEONE TELL ME HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED SINCE I DISAPPEARED AND WHO'S HERE, BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN CARE TO CHECK THE LIST RIGHT NOW.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

YOU GLITTERSHITTING SACK OF ASS
DON'T YOU EVEN GO ON ABOUT "KEEPING THE FAITH" TO ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FAITH CAN DO?
IT CAN GO DROWN IN THE FOUL BODILY EMANATIONS OF ITS FAYGO ADDICTED FOLLOWERS, REEKING TO HIGH FAKE ASS HEAVEN OF SUGAR AND FRUITY FLAVORS NOT FOUND IN ANY ACTUAL FRUIT.
COULD YOU NOT EVEN HAUL YOUR BONY CLOWN SIT CHUNKS OUT OF THE VENTILATION LONG ENOUGH TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT OH, TIME TO ARRIVE, MAYBE IT'S WORTH IT TO BE PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR JUST THIS ONCE!
I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO START ABOUT TEREZI, YES I KNOW ABOUT THAT, IT WAS THE WORST KEPT SECRET SINCE MY OWN FLAILING EFFORTS TO COVER UP MY BLOOD
BUT DO NOT FOR AN INSTANT THINK I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT SHITSHOW THAT'S RESULTED.
AND WHY ARE YOU TYPING LIKE THAT AGAIN.

[If only you could see his snout right now, Karkat. Now, it is true that Gamzee goes through life kinda boggled at everything, but his current expression takes all those other expressions of vague non-comprehending, rolls them up in a neat little ball of missunderstanding and fucking blows it out of the water.

What kind of weirdo sits in vents??? Did he sit in vents with Terezi??? Where did she even come in? Did she come into the vents? This is all very confusing.]

UuUuH...
I'M NoT AlL FoLlOwInG YoU, bRoThEr
TyPiNg lIkE WhAt?

LIKE A GODDAMN wHiMsIcAl aSsHoLe, MORON
STOP TRYING TO PRETEND LIKE

Edited 2013-07-26 16:58 (UTC)

[OW, brain, you did not need to remember that forcefully.]

WAIT
SHIT
YOU NEVER WENT THROUGH ALL THAT HERE, DID YOU
I MEAN THE MURDER AND GOING SOBER AND EVERYTHING BUT NOT
FUCK ME WITH A PRONGED LEAF SCRAPER.

NaW, i´m cOoL On tHaT.
I´M StIlL ReAlLy nOt uNdErStAnDiNg wHaT YoU ArE AlL GeTtInG At bUt
CaN I SeE YoU?
YoU GoT YoU A WiCkEd cAsE Of tHe pAn uPsEtS, dOn't yOu?
I GoT ExAcTlY AlL WhAt a bRoThEr dOeS NeEd oN ThAt.

[It is a hug and a bottle of cool faygo. You'll see, it'll work miracles.]

[A wicked case of go choke on a bulge, is what he first thinks, but that realization hasn't vanished off to nowhere. It's just mixed with the rest into a confusing, nauseating slurry of feelings.]

YES, MY HEAD IS KILLING ME ABOUT AS WELL AS IT CAN WITHOUT BEING LITERAL.
I'M UP ON THE ISLAND AND I GUESS I CAN PUT UP WITH YOU FOR A LITTLE.
LOOK FOR THE SAND STUDDED JACKASS ON THE BEACH.

RiGhT On mY WaY, mY BrOtHeR, jUsT GiVe a mOtHeRfUcKeR A MoMeNt.
<>!

[Aaand, he is off, stuffing his SFC in his pocket, too brimming over with happiness at Karkat being back here that he really isn't taking note of the downright less than thrilled manner in which Karkat is treating him. You'd be surprised how quickly a bro'd get used to that.]

[Karkat doesn't say anything to that. He's too busy staring, taking in that one little symbol and the meaning ascribed to it. Diamonds, pale, moirallegiance. They were moirails here too, weren't they? That happened, and Gamzee stayed on the sopor, and while still globes deep in bullshit clown religion, he never went off to do whatever self-righteous crap his meteor self did.]

[Maybe some part of him should be glad at better fates, but mostly this feels like a slap in the face, and not a lightly given one.]

[He stays sitting in the sand while he waits.]

[Gamzee normally isn't burdened with an excess of energy, far more like to physically schlop places in as much as that is a possibility. Now however, his skin prickles with locked up energy, thrumming under his hide as if he got a troop of marching bugs underneath his epidermis. It is like all those worries and nerves he did not allow himself to feel during those few days Karkat was gone have all come out in full force, taking command of his body. He spends the elevator ride up to the island fumbling with invisible lint on his shirt, bobbing a little on his feet, unable to really keep his mind on any of the miraculous fish getting their swim on outside. They are colourful motherfuckers, and any other time he'd be pleased as pie to squish his face up against the glass sides of the elevator and get his see on, but right now the fish aren't Karkat and Karkat is the one thing what he wants to see.

When the elevator hits the top, he makes in a straight line for the beach, sightbulbs sweeping left to right, searching for one very familiar frame, and once he has spotted it, well... Gamzee can be quick, even if it ain't something he gets to being very often. His sneakers hit the sand just a few times between him and Karkat before he tumbles into him with a grunted honk, and a low laugh, his skinny arms winding around him like a vice. He presses his face against Karkat's hair, narrowly avoiding putting his eye out on one of his nubs, breathing in deeply.]

Fuck. Fuck, ain't you a sight for sore motherfuckin' sightspheres, brother.

[Karkat is left to sit on the beach. He pokes at some messages meanwhile, but the longer the wait stretches on, the more he gets lost in his own thoughts. He didn't just lose his moirallegiance: he saw the steady change, the growing awfulness and self-righteous claptrap, and didn't even break it off himself in the end. Gamzee broke up with him. And he tries to make it clear in his own head that the Gamzee here never did that, never came close, but he can't separate the experiences anywhere close to neatly. It's been a long three years, and a long two and a half crammed back into his head, and the resulting soup of it is too mixed up to be any good.]

[He barely even sees Gamzee before the blur of clown slams into him. He locks up.]

No--no, I can't do this.

[It comes after a moment of nothing, no word or movement, but there's something like regret in his tone just the same. He does move now, trying to wriggle out of the trap of his arms and back to some personal space.]

Let me go. We can talk but I can't deal with your lanky husk latching onto me right now, not the way things went.

[It is very obvious, even to Gamzee, that things are not all mirthful in clownville.]

Best friend?

[But then he does let go, because Karkat requested that of him, drawing back and looking like a kicked woofbeast, confused and full of concern.]

Karkat, what's up? What went wrong with you, brother, you lay it on me.

Edited 2013-07-26 19:13 (UTC)

[Karkat lets out a breath of relief when Gamzee withdraws, and allows his posture to relax as well. He's still wet and sandy, but emotionally this is more comfortable for him.]

Nothing went wrong with me, Gamzee.

[It comes out a little accusatory. He didn't mean to say it that way, but.]

Did you even read what I said, or did I legitimately not make myself clear enough with how messed up my pan has been? I might have been gone three days here, but it was three years on the meteor, the whole entire trip from the Veil to the new session. Past--future?--Fuck it, meteor you never went back on the slime, and long story short, he shoves his head so far up his own waste chute he could taste his own tongue all because of his stupid bullshit messiahs. And don't even think that's me being me; you broke up with me over it! I guess you found some "higher purpose" or I don't even know what, I don't fucking care, and you cut me off like a cancerous growth.

And don't call me best friend. Head up the ass is about how I could describe almost everyone on that godawful trip by the end of it, to the point that Dave has been my best friend for the better part of a year, because even Kanaya and Terezi were too caught up in their own drama. Which, on Terezi's part, was largely your fault. If you two wanted to get into a kismesissitude then whatever, but she wound up addicted to Faygo and basically a huge, sugar-sticky disgrace to all common decency! She had what's-her-face dancestor Serket fix her eyes, for fuck's sake.

Everything's basically fallen apart around me, and I haven't been able to do anything because of the aforementioned head-up-ass syndrome afflicting two thirds of us. And even when I do try to pull something leaderly and address the issue of how we're going to land in this new session without either crashing to our deaths or shooting past the incipisphere entirely, you're missing, Terezi's not wearing pants, Rose and Kanaya are still glued at the hip, and then Jade shows up possessed and looking like she made out with charcoal to fling us off to some weird green planet. And then--

Edited 2013-07-26 19:23 (UTC)

[He realizes something.]

Oh my fucking christ. Seriously? I start bitching about how meteor you dumped me and I lead that into a big emotional unloading like this is some kind of feelings jam? What the fuck.

[His hand hits his face, and he rubs his fingers across his gritty forehead.]

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.

Edited 2013-07-26 19:25 (UTC)

[He had read Karkat's initial message more or less, but between his joy at seeing those all too familiar grey letters again, at knowing that Karkat was back once more and the fact that the events Karkat had been referencing had been so cut off from any context Gamzee might summon up to know, it hadn't truly sunk it, hadn't truly clicked together in his pan as anything he could get his rightful understanding on to.

Even now, he isn't completely understanding Karkat. He's understanding the gist of it, for sure. He went and hurt his bros again, went and hurt Karkat, maybe not with claw and club but with a weapon that was as effective, as damaging.

And Terezi too, fuck, no wonder she had gone odd around him last time she was here, he owed her an apology, hadda get his apologetics on at her except she wasn't here no more, was she?

Karkat too. Shit, he hadda-- ...he wanted to shoosh him, pap that pitiful wrecked together piece of troll sitting in front of him, lay his feeler around him and maybe cart him off to a pile until he wasn't looking so motherfuckin' stressed out.

One hand raises already on simple instinct, halfway over to Karkat before it freezes when he realizes that Karkat pushed him away just now, had told him the panrotted motherfucker what he's gonna turn into on the meteor went and cut him off clean like a festering limb. And shit, how could that motherfucker? On the basis of what? Faith? Fuck, there weren't nothing the matter with this, right, nothing motherfuckin' blasphemous up in this bitch. A couple of bros finding those serendipitous miracles in each other, that was the sort of thing faith took mirth from, right?

His hand drops again and he curls in a little, as if he is trying to make himself small, which, considering his gangly limbs and all together tallness, doesn't work much.]

I... I'm feeling you on that, bro.

[Karkat stares at that hand when he notices it, palm sliding away from his own face. Frozen, but he knows the point of it clear as anything. No way Gamzee could have meant anything else by it. It pulls the frown on his face deeper, and he doesn't look away until the hand drops.]

[Part of him in the mix of things did want it, if for the idea of what it represented. If things could be back the way they were here, before, it could be fine, but he can't forget what happened on the meteor. It's been too long apart. He feels about like he's been broken up with a second time, in a bizarre way. He can't look at Gamzee without thinking of what his other self became.]

... I really can't do this right now.

[It's said a fair moment after Gamzee's words. His head tips down, gaze falling to sandy palms in his lap.]

I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know what I'm going to feel tomorrow or next week or next month, but for now I can't do this. If I try to be your moirail it's just going to turn into a painful mess. It already hurts, and I'm not going to put up some farce for your sake when my heart's not even in it the whole way. It's not fair to you either, especially when part of me isn't going to care what's fair to you after what happened.

[Of all the things he had picturing happening when Karkat came back (when, never if, cause it ain't ever had been a case of motherfuckin' if in his brain) this sure wasn't it. It hurts. It hurts and it angers him, not at Karkat, never at Karkat, but at what motherfucking BLASPHEMOUS FUCKS thought it right to JUST GODDAMN MESS-- but no, he can't even build up a full head of steam and anger, not for the hurt and fear starting to build.

Unpleasant emotions, nothing that he wants to deal with. It just makes him want to block it all out, maybe sink his brain into the nice, foggy comfort sopor offered him.]

... but who is gonna motherfuckin' help me stay me?

[His voice is small, barely anything like the lazy, jovial tone he normally uses. Because he has been depending on things for so long, on his religion, his drugs, on Wataru and Karkat, that he honestly wouldn't know how to manage himself. Not in any sort of way he should know. And more than anything he doesn't want to, doesn't want that harsh responsibility, the type that means he has nobody but himself to keep him from fucking up.]

[Karkat sucks in a breath, then lets it out slowly.]

I don't know, Gamzee.

[He's tired, downright exhausted really, and it shows in his voice. He still has that headache throbbing at his temples, and having to deal with heavy feelings and emotions is really not helping the situation. He pinches at his nose.]

It just can't be my job to try to keep you in line right now. You have to know when to take your slime by now, right? If you're keeping with that. I don't even know why it seemed so important; meteor you might be a bulgesmear but he never murdered anyone else after what went down. Just... do whatever, I don't care, not when I have my own enormous, choking mess to deal with.

[The 'I don't care' stings the worst, probably, cause Karkat never not cared. Even if his caring hadn't always been wrapped up neat in the type of noise most motherfuckers deemed caring to sound like, it had always been caring. For all he had gotten salty and harsh with them right at the start of their friendship, he had always chatted back at him, which is how Gamzee had known they were really best friends. Cause Karkat had been his first friend, the one motherfucker what always spoke back to him, and he had been plenty sure that was what a best friendship was.

But as hurt as he is feeling right now, nothing has changed about his feelings. His heart is still full of nothing but the palest affection for his nubby-horned best bro, and to see him as mixed up as he is drives his attention away from his own personal ache towards the more familiar ache of pity, of wanting to fix any sort of hardships Karkat had gotten himself all locked in at.]

You gonna be okay, man?

[Part of it's just poor word choice. If he really didn't care about Gamzee, it wouldn't hurt so much as it does. He wouldn't still be bitter after the time past, he wouldn't have given him the chance to talk, and he wouldn't have bothered to note anything about what would be unfair to him. Karkat does have the memories of all what happened here in Vatheon. The trouble is how they mix together with those of the meteor, forming what he's already complained about.]

[A lot of it boils down to want space from a painful situation - at least until his feelings even out into something coherent. He hopes they'll do that eventually, at least, because the mess of things now isn't helping anything.]

I don't know, Gamzee.

[He runs his hand through his hair, pushing the wet locks into another odd position. He really does look like hell.]

I just need time right now. And some space would help, until I can figure out what exactly my feelings are.

I can respect that. You can have all the motherfuckin' time what you might be needing to.

[Really. He would wait. He'd wait an entire motherfuckin' lifetime, he feels like, and as a highblood that is a seriously long time. Teenage love is a dangerous, overly invested thing.

But still, Karkat might have broken up with him (and that is a turn of phrase he really doesn't want to contemplate in any form) he can't just go and turn off his feelings. Or really think it over before he is speaking again.]

If... If you ain't all be minding me saying so, bro, you look like the sort of stuff what got its laying down and rot on on my beach sometimes.

[Smells better than rotting whale blubber though! Slightly.]

Maybe you all oughta get your nap on, jump on that righteous snooze-train until you be feeling like a better motherfucker again. And... And maybe get your speak on with Signless, that bro is good for helping a motherfucker make any sort of sense of his own pan.

[Cause Signless had helped him in the past when his pan felt like it was overflowing with too much thoughts to be thought. And... And if he can't help Karkat, maybe someone else can.]

[Karkat makes a sound that might be a laugh's distant, estranged, ill-tempered cousin. He doesn't know; human-style relations are too much to contemplate right now.]

Fuck you, I smell like salt and fresh sea breeze.

[Also maybe a little like fish. He hasn't taken to smelling himself.]

[The humor, such as it is, doesn't last long. Gamzee's suggestions may be meant well, but they ring like pale sentiment, and probably are, and it's more than he can deal with right now.]

Gamzee? Don't. I'll talk more with the Signless when I feel up to it, because I have three years of not knowing him at all and I still have to talk to Eridan. I will sleep when I have the free time to do it, and I don't need you to tell me to.

[He stands up, brushes a little sand off his jeans, and sighs.]

Now can I have some space? I don't care if you stick on the island or go back to the bubble, knock yourself out, but I've got other shit to deal with and things to think about.

[He smells like a home Gamzee ain't got no more.

He looks up when Karkat stands, his shoulders bunching up at his words. He then rakes his hand through his messy curls, a little frustrated gesture he rarely indulges in, as he drops his eyes, returning them to the sea.]

Yeah, if that's what a motherfucker needs, yeah. I'm... I'm gonna chill here for a bit. Zone maybe.

[He couldn't find his zone right now if he went out with a goddamn search party to find it.]

I... bye. I'll... I'll catch you later, bro.

[Karkat looks at him for a moment. Part of him, seeing that, feels like he should do something - a flare up of old concern that mixes with the rest and adds to his frustration. It's not the time for it. Not after what he's said, not after how he feels. For as much as he can tell of that.]

[In the end, he gives a half-hearted wave, and heads off without saying anything. He'll find his own spot somewhere.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

046 ♋ [TEXT]

no subject

no subject

(1/3)

(2/3)

(3/3)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(1/2)

(2/2)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject