046 ♋ [TEXT]

[bethehugejerk]

WHAT FOUL AND MERCILESS ENTITY ROLLED OUT OF THE SPECIES APPROPRIATE SLUMBER APPARATUS AND DECIDED TO INVENT TIME
WHY, IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS, DID THIS ASSHOLE INSTILL INTO LIVING BEINGS THE CONCEPT OF THINGS HAPPENING BEFORE AND AFTER EACH OTHER
AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE AFFLICTED WITH THIS WHEN I'M NOT EVEN A FUCKING TIME PLAYER.
WAS IT NOT ENOUGH TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE ENDLESS STABLE TIME LOOPS HOLDING THE SHODDY STICKS AND TWINE OF OUR TIMELINE TOGETHER?
WHAT ABOUT THE FLUX OF PEOPLE BACK AND FORTH FROM DIFFERENT SPOTS ALONG THAT LINE LIKE BACKWASH FROM AN ILL-CLEANED MOUTH INTO A SOULMELTING BOTTLE OF FAYGO???
WELL I GUESS THE FUCK NOT, BECAUSE HERE I AM BEING FORCED TO DEAL WITH OVER FIVE YEARS WORTH OF MEMORIES LAID OVER THE TOP OF EACH OTHER LIKE PARADOX SPACE DECIDED TO MAKE A PARTICULARLY AWFUL SANDWICH OUT OF THEM.
SAID SANDWICH HAS THEN BEEN FORCE FED DIRECTLY INTO MY THINK PAN
I AM OVERSTUFFED WITH RECOLLECTION AND REMEMBRANCE
MY BRAIN WOULD VOMIT IF IT WERE PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. CONTEMPLATE THAT FOR A MINUTE.
OR HOWEVER LONG, I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE UNITS, AND NONE OF IT WILL APPROXIMATE THE SCREAMING HEADACHE CURRENTLY DECIMATING MY CRANIAL UNIT.
COULD I NOT HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS IN EASILY DIGESTED PIECES
WOULD THAT BE SO FUCKING HARD TO DO.
SURE, SEND ME BACK A COUPLE HOURS THAT FIRST TIME, BUT NO! YOU SCIENTIST NOOKMONGERS JUST *HAD* TO GIVE ME THE FULL THREE YEARS.
WHO CARES THAT I WAS ALREADY 15 AND A HALF IN EARTH YEARS, I OBVIOUSLY NEEDED THE SQUALID, STULTIFYING EXPERIENCE OF LIVING SOME OF THEM TWICE! PLUS AN EXTRA FEW MONTHS!!
SO UNTIL MY SPONGE STOPS TRYING TO CANNIBALIZE ITSELF (ETA: NOT FUCKING SOON ENOUGH), DO NOT EXPECT COHERENCY FROM ME
BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN SORT OUT THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF "YESTERDAY" FROM THE FESTERING REMAINS OF MY OWN THOUGHT ORGAN.
YESTERDAY MEANS TOO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW.
YESTERDAY CAN FRANKLY GO FUCK ITSELF TWICE IN A BRAND NEW ORIFICE I'VE JUST INVENTED FOR IT.
ALL I KNOW IS THE LESS I SEE OF POSSESSED PSYCHOPATHS AND THEIR WEAPONIZED CUTLERY, THE BETTER.
SOMEONE TELL ME HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED SINCE I DISAPPEARED AND WHO'S HERE, BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN CARE TO CHECK THE LIST RIGHT NOW.

Comments

[onlyasign]

KARKAT! YOU'RE BACK!

he's purposely disoriented btw

[bethehugejerk]

NO
NO NO NO NO, SPARE ME, JUST THIS ONCE, GRANTED ME REPRIEVE FROM YOUR LECTURES AND SERMONS BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THE CRANIAL CAPACITY TO CONTEMPLATE ANYMORE "PROBLEMATICS" OR "TRIGGERS" OR WHATEVER TERM IT IS YOU WANT TO USE FOR THEM
I AM NOT FUCKING UP FOR IT TODAY, JUST
PLEASE.
SEE, I'M EVEN ASKING NICELY.

[wavesofjade]

Hello Again, Karkat.
You Have Been Gone For Approximately Three Days.

[bethehugejerk]

KANAYA?
WAIT, NO
HER ANCESTOR, RIGHT?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE TATTOOS?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BUT IT'S DEFINITELY NOT LIKE THREE DAYS.
AT LEAST IT WASN'T FOREVER HERE.

[text]

[unconchonable]

[When he sees the grey text on the network, his heart nearly stops. He has to wonder if maybe he's dreaming, or perhaps this is just a cruel joke. Their shared hive has served as nothing but an empty reminder of what he's been lacking for the past several nights, and he hates how hope is welling in his gut, because he's hardly an optimist! But... If this really is Karkat... he remembers! Oh man oh god...]

kar is that really you
i gotta see you for myself this text aint the proof im needin to vvalidate your return wwhere the fuck are you
you got no idea howw ivve bloody missed you but i aint gonna start wwritin you a tapestry a my feelins till ivve seen your face myself so its kinda fuckin dire you disclose your location promptly or ill tear this underwwater bastion appart lookin for your husk

[text/video]

[bethehugejerk]

[Karkat flips on the video for a moment. He is soaked with sea water, caked with sand in places (including half his face), and generally looking like hell descended personally on his cranium. He also looks about a year older. Is that some red in his eyes? We just don't know. Thanks Hussie.]

[He switches back to text shortly after.]

YES, DINGUS, IT'S ME.
SINCE WHEN DOES ANYONE ELSE YOU KNOW TYPE IN ALLCAPS GREY TEXT?
IF WHAT THE DOLOROSA TOLD ME IS RIGHT IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN THAT LONG SINCE I DISAPPEARED, SO SPARE VATHEON AND DRAG YOUR TIGHT PANTS UP THE ELEVATOR.
I'M ON THE BEACH SOMEWHERE IF THE VIDEO DIDN'T MAKE IT OBVIOUS.

[420]

[Words, words, words, look at all these words Gamzee didn't read. It is hard to read things when you are deliriously happy.]

YoU'Re bAcK.
HaHaHa, ShIt, YoU'Re rEaLlY BaCk.
FuCk, I ToLd eRiDaN He jUsT HaDdA Up aNd kEeP ThE MoThErFuCkIn fAiTh aLiVe, YoU KnOw, HaD Me tHe rEaLeSt uNdErStAnDiNg tHaT AiN'T No mOtHeRfUcKeR WoUlD Be kEePiNg yOu gOnE.
HaHaHa jUsT
MoThErFuCkEr
WhErE YoU At bRo, I'Ll bE ThErE QuIcK As a mOtHeRfUcKeR CaN AlL Be.

[Someone needs a clown hug. Spoiler, it is Karkat. It is him.]

[bethehugejerk]

YOU GLITTERSHITTING SACK OF ASS
DON'T YOU EVEN GO ON ABOUT "KEEPING THE FAITH" TO ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FAITH CAN DO?
IT CAN GO DROWN IN THE FOUL BODILY EMANATIONS OF ITS FAYGO ADDICTED FOLLOWERS, REEKING TO HIGH FAKE ASS HEAVEN OF SUGAR AND FRUITY FLAVORS NOT FOUND IN ANY ACTUAL FRUIT.
COULD YOU NOT EVEN HAUL YOUR BONY CLOWN SIT CHUNKS OUT OF THE VENTILATION LONG ENOUGH TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT OH, TIME TO ARRIVE, MAYBE IT'S WORTH IT TO BE PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR JUST THIS ONCE!
I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO START ABOUT TEREZI, YES I KNOW ABOUT THAT, IT WAS THE WORST KEPT SECRET SINCE MY OWN FLAILING EFFORTS TO COVER UP MY BLOOD
BUT DO NOT FOR AN INSTANT THINK I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT SHITSHOW THAT'S RESULTED.
AND WHY ARE YOU TYPING LIKE THAT AGAIN.

[feralfanatic]

Karkat
It certainly s33ms like you had a trying time away from the bubble
Welcome back to Vatheon for what that is worth
I can fix you up something sw33t if you think that will help

[bethehugejerk]

THANK YOU FOR BEING THE MOST EASY TO PLACE ANCESTOR THIS FAR.
NO STUPID FACES, NO SQUEALING ABOUT SHIPPING, JUST A PLAIN, LEGIBLE QUIRK.
AND NO
SOMETHING SWEET IS NOT GOING TO HELP WHILE I'VE STILL GOT THIS HEADACHE.

[video]

[fourleafed]

[No, she's not reading all of that. She can't read anyway, and especially not English. But she knows the angry grey font and knows enough to recognize Karkat's name on her SFC, so of course she's going to say something to him.]

Yay! Candy horns is back!

[video]

[bethehugejerk]

[Karkat does not really want to use video right now, but fuck it. Life has already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he does not get what he wants. His messy hair is even worse today, given he's drenched with sea water and half-caked with sand. If she can notice it, he also looks about a year older.]

Yes, you weird child, I'm back. And I have a name, thanks.

[spacecase]

o_o


jesus christ, karkat




wait stop
its me
jade
not possessed jade, nice jade

[bethehugejerk]

... PROVE IT.
TURN ON THE CAMERA.

[Not taking any chances here.]

[shippingmath]

So much for a lack of coherency, that was a damn well-managed rant.
It conveyed your point very well.
Speaking of, what's that about cutlery.

[There's one person he knows of who has a strife specibus like that...]

[bethehugejerk]

NOW THAT JADE HAS CLEARED UP HER NAME FOR ME
JANE KILLED ME WITH A GIANT FORK BECAUSE JADE WANTED HER TO SHOW OFF HER SPECIAL LIFEY POWERS.
IT
IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING UNNERVING, I AM NOT GOING TO LIE ABOUT THAT.
DID YOU EVEN KNOW SHE WINDS UP POSSESSED???
BECAUSE THAT IS DEFINITELY A THING, AND IT'S CREEPY AS HELL.

[text] - private

[cephalopodcounselor]

While it would not solve your coherency problems in the slightest, it would certainly alleviate some of that pain from processing those overlapped memories...
I can offer you some of my rather large supply of alcohol that I am attempting to part with.
The better option is of course to reject this offer, but the mind-numbing effects of booze are quite strong.
It could offer temporary relief from your current situation.

Another more sound and responsible solution is you can tell me how you really feel.
I can help you sort through your memories and emotions from a purely scientific standpoint.
All it would require is some of your time spent on my couch talking while I sit in an armchair, listen carefully, offer sound advice and take notes.

[text] - private (1/2)

[bethehugejerk]

SINCE WHEN ARE YOU SOBER???

[Text]

[stridercentric]

[Guess who's new to Karkat's ranting?]

wow.

just wow.

im seeing all these fucking words. and all im getting from it. is "wah wah wah".

i think maybe instead of sending your fingers all across the keyboard in some butthurt frenzy. you couldve spent that time and energy on something more productive.

[Text]

[bethehugejerk]

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHY SHOULD I DEVOTE MORE THAN THE TIME IT TAKES TO TYPE THIS TO YOU AND YOUR EMPTY BITCHING.
I AM NOT "BUTTHURT", WHICH IS POSITIVELY THE DUMBEST WORD I'VE EVER READ
I AM DEALING WITH MIXED UP MEMORIES AND PEOPLE I, GASP, ACTUALLY KNOW AND GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
NEITHER OF WHICH CONCERN SOME RANDOM ASSHOLE WHO DECIDED TO HECKLE ME ON A DAY WHEN I AM REALLY NOT UP FOR POINTLESS TROLLING.
SO INSTEAD OF TELLING ME TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, HOW ABOUT YOU CRAM YOUR STARFISH UP YOUR ASS AND CONTEMPLATE WHAT A WASTE OF SPACE YOU ARE, YOU BLITHERING IGNORANT FUCKWIT.

[video]

[fundemetal]

[That's way too much ranting for Leo to focus on, even with the help of his app. So instead he just ignores whatever it was Karkat was going on about and focuses on the fact that he's back and he hadn't made that charm for nothing.]

Glad you're back, dude. I've got your regisickle SFC charm ready for you whenever you want it.

[video]

[bethehugejerk]

[Karkat is wet, sandy, and on the beach somewhere. He stares blankly at his screen.]

Remind me who you are, what that is, and why I wanted it. I cannot even summon the effort to scrounge my memory right now, but you'll probably be able to jog it with a good reminder.

[text]

[stayb100ponyboy]

D --> Oh, it's you again
D --> Hardly noticed you were gone, e%cept for how much quieter the bubble was

[text]

[bethehugejerk]

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU STINKING SACK OF FILTH
PART OF ME ACTUALLY MISSED YOU ON THE METEOR
IN A YOU-DEAD-JERKOFFS-WERE-MY-FRIENDS WAY.
SECOND OFF, I'M NOT EVEN IN THE BUBBLE YET, DUMBASS.

[bestestfurrend]

:33 < karkat...?
:33 < im not going to ask if youre okay because youll just yell at me
:33 < but do you n33d anything?!

:33 < im glad youre back

[bethehugejerk]

I NEED MY HEAD TO STOP ACHING, MYSELF TO STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING UP, AND FOR MY FEELINGS TO MAKE SENSE.
IN OTHER WORDS THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO, BUT THANKS FOR TRYING.

[thekidsare0kay]

jegu2 2hit y0u're back already.
tl;dr
ju2t 20 y0u kn0w, i kept y0ur mate2prit fr0m 0ffing him2elf in y0ur ab2ence.
what d0 i get?

[bethehugejerk]

NOTHING
I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH HIM.
I'M JUST GLAD YOU'RE ACTUALLY AROUND HERE.

[crabbygenius]

Sounds like quite the visit home.

[bethehugejerk]

DO ME A FAVOR AND REMIND ME WHO YOU ARE.
SERIOUSLY, MY BRAIN IS AN UNCOOPERATIVE PIECE OF SHIT RIGHT NOW.

[sylphauxiliatrix]

[Kanaya's going to wait several hours after Karkat's post before replying. He clearly needs some time... So she'll wait till he's had a chance to readjust to everything. Half a day or so should at least be a good start, right?]

Im Glad To See That Youve Returned
Even If Your Experience Was Particularly Horrid
I Was Worried That We Had Lost You For Good

[bethehugejerk]

[He is far from fully readjusted when she messages him, but he is at least clean, dry, in fresh clothes, and at home by then. His headache is also fading, though he suspects it'll take some good sleep to put it past him.]

THERE YOU ARE
I WAS STARTING TO WONDER IF YOU WERE STILL HERE.
VATHEON YOU IS WITH ROXY, RIGHT? NOT ROSE?
WHICH NOW THAT I TYPE IT SOUNDS LIKE A STUPID THING TO ASK, BUT JUST ANSWER IT ANYWAY.

[p2iioniicii2t]

Two know that you are returned iis pleasiing.
Have you recovered from your diisturbance?
IIs there anythiing that you may requiire?

[bethehugejerk]

NO, I HAVE NOT RECOVERED MY "DISTURBANCE".
MY DISTURBANCE HAS WOKEN UP THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
TROLLS STAND OUT ON LAWNRINGS, WONDERING WHAT THE HELL THIS SHIT HEAD IS DOING, WHAT HE'S YELLING ABOUT, WHY HE WON'T SHUT UP
BUT IT CONTINUES UNABATED, BANGING AGAINST WALLS AND SLAMMING DOORS.
A LUSUS GROWLS AND HISSES PLAINTIVELY, BUT IS IGNORED IN FAVOR OF YET MORE SOUND AND FURY.
IT WILL CONTINUE ON INTO THE MORNING, PAST THE SEARING LIGHT OF DAWN, UNTIL WHO KNOWS WHEN.
I REQUIRE A WAY TO MAKE MY THOUGHTS GEL TOGETHER INTO SOMETHING THAT MAKE SENSE, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO HOLD MY BREATH.