caughtinanetwork | 046 ♋ [TEXT]

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046 ♋ [TEXT]

WHAT FOUL AND MERCILESS ENTITY ROLLED OUT OF THE SPECIES APPROPRIATE SLUMBER APPARATUS AND DECIDED TO INVENT TIME
WHY, IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS, DID THIS ASSHOLE INSTILL INTO LIVING BEINGS THE CONCEPT OF THINGS HAPPENING BEFORE AND AFTER EACH OTHER
AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE AFFLICTED WITH THIS WHEN I'M NOT EVEN A FUCKING TIME PLAYER.
WAS IT NOT ENOUGH TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE ENDLESS STABLE TIME LOOPS HOLDING THE SHODDY STICKS AND TWINE OF OUR TIMELINE TOGETHER?
WHAT ABOUT THE FLUX OF PEOPLE BACK AND FORTH FROM DIFFERENT SPOTS ALONG THAT LINE LIKE BACKWASH FROM AN ILL-CLEANED MOUTH INTO A SOULMELTING BOTTLE OF FAYGO???
WELL I GUESS THE FUCK NOT, BECAUSE HERE I AM BEING FORCED TO DEAL WITH OVER FIVE YEARS WORTH OF MEMORIES LAID OVER THE TOP OF EACH OTHER LIKE PARADOX SPACE DECIDED TO MAKE A PARTICULARLY AWFUL SANDWICH OUT OF THEM.
SAID SANDWICH HAS THEN BEEN FORCE FED DIRECTLY INTO MY THINK PAN
I AM OVERSTUFFED WITH RECOLLECTION AND REMEMBRANCE
MY BRAIN WOULD VOMIT IF IT WERE PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. CONTEMPLATE THAT FOR A MINUTE.
OR HOWEVER LONG, I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE UNITS, AND NONE OF IT WILL APPROXIMATE THE SCREAMING HEADACHE CURRENTLY DECIMATING MY CRANIAL UNIT.
COULD I NOT HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS IN EASILY DIGESTED PIECES
WOULD THAT BE SO FUCKING HARD TO DO.
SURE, SEND ME BACK A COUPLE HOURS THAT FIRST TIME, BUT NO! YOU SCIENTIST NOOKMONGERS JUST *HAD* TO GIVE ME THE FULL THREE YEARS.
WHO CARES THAT I WAS ALREADY 15 AND A HALF IN EARTH YEARS, I OBVIOUSLY NEEDED THE SQUALID, STULTIFYING EXPERIENCE OF LIVING SOME OF THEM TWICE! PLUS AN EXTRA FEW MONTHS!!
SO UNTIL MY SPONGE STOPS TRYING TO CANNIBALIZE ITSELF (ETA: NOT FUCKING SOON ENOUGH), DO NOT EXPECT COHERENCY FROM ME
BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN SORT OUT THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF "YESTERDAY" FROM THE FESTERING REMAINS OF MY OWN THOUGHT ORGAN.
YESTERDAY MEANS TOO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW.
YESTERDAY CAN FRANKLY GO FUCK ITSELF TWICE IN A BRAND NEW ORIFICE I'VE JUST INVENTED FOR IT.
ALL I KNOW IS THE LESS I SEE OF POSSESSED PSYCHOPATHS AND THEIR WEAPONIZED CUTLERY, THE BETTER.
SOMEONE TELL ME HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED SINCE I DISAPPEARED AND WHO'S HERE, BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN CARE TO CHECK THE LIST RIGHT NOW.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

NOTE: *JUMBLED* MEMORIES
NOTE ALSO: YOU AND KANAYA BEING SO WRAPPED UP WITH EACH OTHER I'M SURPRISED YOU TWO DIDN'T STUMBLE OUT LITERALLY TANGLED IN AN ETERNAL YARN KNOT NO BLADE COULD CUT.
IT KIND OF ESCAPED MY NOTICE, OKAY.
BUT TELL ME, WHY WOULD I WANT TO DIVULGE MY CONFLICTED EMOTIONS AND GENERAL INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS TO YOU OF ALL PEOPLE
PARTICULARLY WHEN SOBER YOU IS LOCKED IN SOLIDLY TO THE "FLIGHTY BROAD" CATEGORY REPLETE WITH "SNARKY HORSESHIT".
SNARKY HORSESHIT IS NOT WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW, ROSE
IT IS NOT WHAT I NEED MOST DAYS
ESPECIALLY NOT IN A WEIRD HUMAN STYLE BRAIN ANALYSIS SESSION.

The thing about knots in yarn is that they can almost always be untangled without the need to cut.
All it takes is patience and an understanding of knots.
Much like your memories are right now; all tangled up.
I can refrain from the snarky horseshit in this particular instance.
I can refrain from it at any time, though I generally choose not to.
Consider it your lucky day.

...
ANSWER ME THIS, THEN.
WHY EXACTLY DO YOU WANT TO HELP
IS THIS JUST SOME EXCUSE TO PRACTICE HUMAN PSYCHOBABBLE ON A NEW PATIENT?

I see a friend in need of assistance.
Whether or not it allows me to hone my skills in the science of psychology is of no import at this juncture.

[Friend? Give him a sec while he considers that.]

OKAY, LOOK
ARE YOU SURE THIS WILL WORK AT ALL?
I DON'T JUST WANT TO SPILL MY EMOTIONAL GUTS AT YOU FOR NO REASON
AND THIS IS PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD IN THE FIRST PLACE, I MEAN, NORMALLY IT'S MOIRAILS THAT HELP EACH OTHER WITH THIS STUFF
BUT THAT IS PART OF THE ACTUAL PROBLEM RIGHT NOW.
... UGH, NO, WHAT AM I SAYING.
THIS IS STUPID, I'M NOT DOING THIS.

I'm positive it will work.
Yes, I'm aware this is normally in the realm of moirallegiance, but I can assure you that I have no pale feelings for you.
I am simply acting out of concern for your mental health.
If it helps you though, you can consider me a moirail substitute.
Akin to how aspartame is a sugar substitute.
While it serves the same end result, it is an inorganic compound and thus quite different.

HELL NO.
YOU ARE NOT A MOIRAIL SUBSTITUTE AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I DO NOT HAVE A MOIRAIL RIGHT NOW, AND DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THAT WAS APPROPRIATE TO SUGGEST???
YES, LET'S PRETEND TO FILL THIS DOUCHEBAG'S DIAMOND WHILE HE'S ALL MIXED UP ABOUT HIS QUADRANTS!
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR LALONDE, YOU ARE A GENIUS.

I did specify that was only if it would help you.
And as I clearly stated before that, I have no desire to fill that quadrant for you.
What is the current state of your quadrants?
I more or less know what they were back on the meteor, but this isn't the meteor.

...
IN THE SPIRIT OF LETTING YOU KNOW THE SITUATION SO YOU STOP SAYING DUMB SHIT
ON THE METEOR I HAD NOTHING, AND IN VATHEON I HAD A MOIRALLEGIANCE WITH GAMZEE AND A MATESPRITSHIP WITH ERIDAN.
CIRCUMSTANCES WERE CONSIDERABLY DIFFERENT HERE, TO MAKE A LONG STORY INTO NOT MUCH OF A STORY AT ALL.
BUT NOW I'M NOT REALLY WITH EITHER OF THEM SINCE I NEED A BREAK TO SORT OUT MY FEELINGS
WHICH ARE A MIXED UP JUMBLE OF BOTH PLACES THAT MAKE NO REAL SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Considerably different seems like an understatement.
What happened back "home," so to speak, obviously hadn't happened yet when you filled those quadrants.
I would advise that you don't hold anything their future selves may have done against them.
Reconciling those feeling will be no easy task, but if you can accept the fact that they are not the same as what became of them at the point in time we've last experienced, then I think it will help considerably in sorting out those feelings.

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?
ERIDAN ALREADY JUMPED ON ME ABOUT HOLDING "FUTURE" SHIT AGAINST GAMZEE HERE WHEN I KNOW FULL FUCKING WELL HE'S NOT THE SAME PERSON HE WAS ON THE METEOR.
AND FOR THE RECORD, IF I COULD JUST IGNORE WHAT THE SITUATION WAS ON THE METEOR AND JUMP BACK TO WHAT WAS NORMAL HERE, I WOULD
BUT GUESS WHAT? I CAN'T!
NOT THAT EASILY, BY ANY MEANS.
IT'S JUST THAT
SAY, ONE MOMENT I'LL BE FEELING HOW I WAS ON THE METEOR
GAMZEE WAS AN ASS, ERIDAN WAS A DEAD FRIEND WHO DID SOME PRETTY TERRIBLE STUFF, AND THAT'S IT
BUT THEN ANOTHER I REMEMBER WHAT I FELT HERE
AND BASICALLY IT'S JUST TOO... DIVIDED, AND AWKWARD, AND UNPREDICTABLE.
IT'S NOT FAIR TO EITHER OF THEM TO TRY TO KEEP UP WITH A QUADRANT WHILE I CAN'T SOLIDLY FEEL ONE WAY OVER THE OTHER, AND I TOLD THEM AS MUCH.

[Yes, Karkat. Tell her all your feelings. Also, she won't say it, but she fully understands these mixed up feelings. She came back to find out Kanaya was dating Roxy and that her and Kanaya hadn't yet dated. It's a lot easier to talk about someone else's problems than her own.]

No, it's certainly not fair.
But this place and their choices on when and where to bring everyone from is firmly in the realm of making things difficult for us.
I don't believe fair is something they consider.
I do agree the break is a wise route to take while you're still sorting your feelings.

NO SHIT.
TRUST ME, I HAVE BEEN SCREWED OVER SEVERAL DIFFERENT WAYS IN THE MANNER OF "NOT FAIR" JUNK THOSE SCIENTISTS CAN PULL ON US.
PEOPLE HAVE GONE MISSING, MEMORIES HAVE BEEN MESSED WITH, CERTAIN CURSES HAVE SENT EVERYTHING THROUGH A MEAT GRINDER
NOT FAIR IS NOTHING NEW.
IF EVERYTHING WERE LINEAR IN MY HEAD IT WOULD BE ONE THING, STILL FRUSTRATING, BUT THIS IS HONESTLY WORSE IN SOME WAYS.

I've only encountered a few instances of not fair since I've arrived, but I trust that there are many more to come.
There's irony to be found in that statement, Karkat. You of the non-linear pestering of my friends and I.
Perhaps your solution is to write it all out and then work on piecing each memory together in a way that makes sense

SHUT UP, I WENT LINEAR EVENTUALLY
AND IT'S NOT LIKE I WENT IN PLANNING TO DO THINGS OUT OF ORDER, IT JUST HAPPENED THAT WAY.
BUT WRITING THINGS OUT
REALLY?
...
I GUESS I WISH I COULD TALK TO MYSELF HERE
LIKE I DID WITH ALL MY OLD HEADACHE-INDUCING MEMOS.
THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN IMMEASURABLY STUPID ALMOST 100% OF THE TIME BUT THEY DID HELP ME SORT THINGS OUT AT LEAST SOME OF THE TIME.

It's not impossible to talk to yourself in a similar way, if you go through and write things down.
Then come back to it a few hours later and expand upon it.
I know it's not the same thing by any means, but it's the closest you'll get to talking to yourself here.
Or you could continue talking to me.
There's a good chance it will be less headache inducing than your memos.

HEADACHE-INDUCING OR NOT, MY MEMOS AT LEAST GOT SOMEWHERE PRODUCTIVE IN THE END
SOME OF THE TIME
WHATEVER.
THE GOOD PART ABOUT THEM IS THAT EVEN IF I WENT THROUGH A CONVERSATION TWICE, I AT LEAST GOT THE BENEFIT OF THEM IN THE COURSE OF THE ACTUAL CONVERSATION.
WRITING THINGS DOWN AND COMING BACK AND WRITING MORE AND COMING BACK AGAIN JUST SOUNDS... SLOW
ESPECIALLY WHEN THIS IS SLOW ENOUGH TO BEGIN WITH.
OF COURSE TALKING WITH YOU CARRIES THE RISK OF CONSIDERABLE PERSONAL EMBARRASSMENT
NOT THAT MEMOS NEVER BROUGHT THAT, HELL NO, BUT AT LEAST THOSE WERE CONTAINED TO MYSELF ONLY.

Edited (better wording) 2013-08-06 21:55 (UTC)

I'm sorry I can't be any faster than I am at responding over the network.
If it will put you at ease, I promise I won't laugh at you should you say anything embarrassing.
Nor will I divulge anything you say to me to anyone else.

I MEANT THE WRITING THINGS DOWN SUGGESTION YOU MADE, STUPID.
BUT I GUESS THAT HELPS
I'VE ALREADY WOUND UP BABBLING STUFF AT YOU SO IT'S BETTER THAN YOU SPREADING WHAT I'VE SAID ABOUT MY ISSUES SO FAR.

Feel free to babble more at me.
I hope that in doing so that it's been of some help to you.
Doctor-Patient confidentiality is quite important to me, even outside of that sort of relationship.

...
IT WOULD HELP IF I ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT.
SURE, THERE'S ENOUGH SUBJECT MATTER, BUT LIKE HELL I CAN LAY IT OUT AND DECIDE WHAT'S IMPORTANT ENOUGH.
HOW DO EARTH HUMAN PSYCHOWHATEVERS DO THIS ANYWAY.

Psychiatrists lead with questions to get the patient to open up.
I would have led with one in my previous text, however I wanted to be sure you were interested in continuing first.
We've already discussed your quadrants, so we aren't in need of dwelling on that subject any longer.
Perhaps we can talk about your relationships with the others on the meteor?
It may help in sorting your memories if you focus on your memories involving one person at a time.

THOSE?
THOSE I DON'T HAVE AS MUCH TROUBLE WITH.
I MEAN APART FROM THE GAMZEE THING WHICH I ALREADY MENTIONED, BASICALLY I'M EITHER BACK IN A CAPACITY WHERE MY FRIENDS AREN'T SO ABSORBED IN THEIR DRAMA THAT THEY HAVE NO TIME FOR ME, OR THINGS ARE UNCHANGED BECAUSE THEY EITHER AREN'T HERE
SEE: TEREZI, DAVE
OR THEY'RE ROUGHLY THE SAME DUE TO BEING FROM A CLOSE ENOUGH POINT IN TIME
SEE: YOU.
I MEAN SOME STUFF WENT WAY DIFFERENT HERE? BUT THAT'S KIND OF PERSONAL, AND IN THE PAST.
THOUGH I DO END UP WONDERING HOW THE FUCK VATHEON ME HAD BETTER LUCK WITH SOME OF THIS STUFF
AND ALTERNATELY WHY HE THOUGHT SOME ABSOLUTELY RETARDED SHIT WAS WORTH THE EFFORT.

Vatheon you likely had better luck given to the lack of being ruled by the conditions of our SBURB/SGRUB sessions.
This place is far from perfect and stable, but in comparison to all the time line shenanigans and all roads eventually leading to either doom or where we were intended to go - whether through the constructs of the game or through our own follies; I'd say we're fairly well off in the grand scheme of things here
As for the latter, all the retarded shit is just part of growing up and learning from our mistakes.
If you hadn't gone through that effort then, it may very well have cropped up at a later point in time.
In which case there's a strong chance you would have done the same thing anyway and some time down the road looked back and asked yourself why you went to the effort of doing that retarded shit.
This sort of occurrence is bound to crop up time after time over the course of your life and without fail your older self will look back and question your choices.
However, without those choices having been made you would not have been able to grow into the person who is able to question your past self.

TRUST ME, ROSE, I AM A GODDAMN PROFESSIONAL AT QUESTIONING MY PAST SELF.
YOU DO NOT KNOW THE HALF OF THE INTENSE TEXTUAL INTERROGATIONS I HAVE GIVEN MY PAST SELF FOR THE COUNTLESS ACTS OF DUMBFUCKERY HE HAS PULLED ON HIMSELF, OTHERS, AND GENERAL EXISTENCE
AND THERE IS NO ONE WHO KNOWS HIS PASSION FOR IDIOCY BETTER THAN I DO.
IT'S NOT "GROWING", HATING PAST MISTAKES IS BASIC COMMON SENSE
AND THE VARIOUS UNIVERSES WOULD BE BETTERED IF MORE PEOPLE COULD REALIZE THAT AND ACT ON IT.
BUT YEAH
I GUESS YOU DO HAVE A POINT.
A LOT OF CRAZY SHIT HAPPENED HERE BUT VATHEON ME AT LEAST WANTED TO STAY IN THIS PLACE
BUT I WENT BACK ANYWAY AND NOW EVERYTHING'S SCREWED UP, SO OH FUCKING WELL.

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