caughtinanetwork | 046 ♋ [TEXT]

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046 ♋ [TEXT]

WHAT FOUL AND MERCILESS ENTITY ROLLED OUT OF THE SPECIES APPROPRIATE SLUMBER APPARATUS AND DECIDED TO INVENT TIME
WHY, IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS, DID THIS ASSHOLE INSTILL INTO LIVING BEINGS THE CONCEPT OF THINGS HAPPENING BEFORE AND AFTER EACH OTHER
AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE AFFLICTED WITH THIS WHEN I'M NOT EVEN A FUCKING TIME PLAYER.
WAS IT NOT ENOUGH TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE ENDLESS STABLE TIME LOOPS HOLDING THE SHODDY STICKS AND TWINE OF OUR TIMELINE TOGETHER?
WHAT ABOUT THE FLUX OF PEOPLE BACK AND FORTH FROM DIFFERENT SPOTS ALONG THAT LINE LIKE BACKWASH FROM AN ILL-CLEANED MOUTH INTO A SOULMELTING BOTTLE OF FAYGO???
WELL I GUESS THE FUCK NOT, BECAUSE HERE I AM BEING FORCED TO DEAL WITH OVER FIVE YEARS WORTH OF MEMORIES LAID OVER THE TOP OF EACH OTHER LIKE PARADOX SPACE DECIDED TO MAKE A PARTICULARLY AWFUL SANDWICH OUT OF THEM.
SAID SANDWICH HAS THEN BEEN FORCE FED DIRECTLY INTO MY THINK PAN
I AM OVERSTUFFED WITH RECOLLECTION AND REMEMBRANCE
MY BRAIN WOULD VOMIT IF IT WERE PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. CONTEMPLATE THAT FOR A MINUTE.
OR HOWEVER LONG, I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE UNITS, AND NONE OF IT WILL APPROXIMATE THE SCREAMING HEADACHE CURRENTLY DECIMATING MY CRANIAL UNIT.
COULD I NOT HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS IN EASILY DIGESTED PIECES
WOULD THAT BE SO FUCKING HARD TO DO.
SURE, SEND ME BACK A COUPLE HOURS THAT FIRST TIME, BUT NO! YOU SCIENTIST NOOKMONGERS JUST *HAD* TO GIVE ME THE FULL THREE YEARS.
WHO CARES THAT I WAS ALREADY 15 AND A HALF IN EARTH YEARS, I OBVIOUSLY NEEDED THE SQUALID, STULTIFYING EXPERIENCE OF LIVING SOME OF THEM TWICE! PLUS AN EXTRA FEW MONTHS!!
SO UNTIL MY SPONGE STOPS TRYING TO CANNIBALIZE ITSELF (ETA: NOT FUCKING SOON ENOUGH), DO NOT EXPECT COHERENCY FROM ME
BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN SORT OUT THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF "YESTERDAY" FROM THE FESTERING REMAINS OF MY OWN THOUGHT ORGAN.
YESTERDAY MEANS TOO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW.
YESTERDAY CAN FRANKLY GO FUCK ITSELF TWICE IN A BRAND NEW ORIFICE I'VE JUST INVENTED FOR IT.
ALL I KNOW IS THE LESS I SEE OF POSSESSED PSYCHOPATHS AND THEIR WEAPONIZED CUTLERY, THE BETTER.
SOMEONE TELL ME HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED SINCE I DISAPPEARED AND WHO'S HERE, BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN CARE TO CHECK THE LIST RIGHT NOW.

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THOSE?
THOSE I DON'T HAVE AS MUCH TROUBLE WITH.
I MEAN APART FROM THE GAMZEE THING WHICH I ALREADY MENTIONED, BASICALLY I'M EITHER BACK IN A CAPACITY WHERE MY FRIENDS AREN'T SO ABSORBED IN THEIR DRAMA THAT THEY HAVE NO TIME FOR ME, OR THINGS ARE UNCHANGED BECAUSE THEY EITHER AREN'T HERE
SEE: TEREZI, DAVE
OR THEY'RE ROUGHLY THE SAME DUE TO BEING FROM A CLOSE ENOUGH POINT IN TIME
SEE: YOU.
I MEAN SOME STUFF WENT WAY DIFFERENT HERE? BUT THAT'S KIND OF PERSONAL, AND IN THE PAST.
THOUGH I DO END UP WONDERING HOW THE FUCK VATHEON ME HAD BETTER LUCK WITH SOME OF THIS STUFF
AND ALTERNATELY WHY HE THOUGHT SOME ABSOLUTELY RETARDED SHIT WAS WORTH THE EFFORT.

Vatheon you likely had better luck given to the lack of being ruled by the conditions of our SBURB/SGRUB sessions.
This place is far from perfect and stable, but in comparison to all the time line shenanigans and all roads eventually leading to either doom or where we were intended to go - whether through the constructs of the game or through our own follies; I'd say we're fairly well off in the grand scheme of things here
As for the latter, all the retarded shit is just part of growing up and learning from our mistakes.
If you hadn't gone through that effort then, it may very well have cropped up at a later point in time.
In which case there's a strong chance you would have done the same thing anyway and some time down the road looked back and asked yourself why you went to the effort of doing that retarded shit.
This sort of occurrence is bound to crop up time after time over the course of your life and without fail your older self will look back and question your choices.
However, without those choices having been made you would not have been able to grow into the person who is able to question your past self.

TRUST ME, ROSE, I AM A GODDAMN PROFESSIONAL AT QUESTIONING MY PAST SELF.
YOU DO NOT KNOW THE HALF OF THE INTENSE TEXTUAL INTERROGATIONS I HAVE GIVEN MY PAST SELF FOR THE COUNTLESS ACTS OF DUMBFUCKERY HE HAS PULLED ON HIMSELF, OTHERS, AND GENERAL EXISTENCE
AND THERE IS NO ONE WHO KNOWS HIS PASSION FOR IDIOCY BETTER THAN I DO.
IT'S NOT "GROWING", HATING PAST MISTAKES IS BASIC COMMON SENSE
AND THE VARIOUS UNIVERSES WOULD BE BETTERED IF MORE PEOPLE COULD REALIZE THAT AND ACT ON IT.
BUT YEAH
I GUESS YOU DO HAVE A POINT.
A LOT OF CRAZY SHIT HAPPENED HERE BUT VATHEON ME AT LEAST WANTED TO STAY IN THIS PLACE
BUT I WENT BACK ANYWAY AND NOW EVERYTHING'S SCREWED UP, SO OH FUCKING WELL.

Simply hating your past mistakes is not growing.
However, if you take a lesson from that past mistake and strive not to repeat it, then it is indeed growing.
Of course I have a point, Karkat.
I always have a point.
Whether or not others happen to get the point is up to them.
So that's it?
You're simply going to settle for everything being screwed up?
Are you certain you went back to the time on the meteor?
Because the Karkat I know wouldn't be so quick to allow things to remain screwed up.
You would piss and moan and make quite the racket shouting about it, but through all that anger and frustration, something worthwhile would eventually come to bear.
Recommence the frothing rage and let it all out.

EAT A BULGE, LALONDE.
YOU KNOW NOT HALF OF WHAT MY FROTHING SELF-HATRED HAS ACCOMPLISHED FOR ME.
DON'T ARGUE WITH ME ON THAT EITHER
BECAUSE YES, I KNOW IT'S NOT ALWAYS PRODUCTIVE, AND HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE DUMBEST BOUTS OF IT POSSIBLE
BUT GUESS WHAT?
I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT LEARNING FROM IT
I'VE DONE IT BEFORE!
I'LL DO IT AGAIN.
ALSO, YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD MY WHOLE POINT RIGHT THERE, SO CRAM YOUR PATRONIZING CRITICISM DOWN YOUR SHOUT SPHINCTER, TAMP IT DOWN HARD WITH THAT DICTIONARY YOU MUST LOVE SO MUCH, AND SHUT UP FOR A SECOND.
I SAID "OH FUCKING WELL" TO THE FACT THAT I HAD WANTED TO STAY HERE BUT DIDN'T.
THAT'S IT.
WOULD YOU RATHER I DWELL ON IT AND THROW A HISSY FIT LIKE A GRUB DENIED ITS FAVORITE SNACK???
DON'T THINK I'M NOT PISSED AT THE SCIENTISTS FOR SCREWING THINGS UP FOR ME EITHER
I AM FURIOUS, AND HAVE WELL-THOUGHT INTRODUCTIONS TO MY FIST PLANNED FOR SEVERAL OF THEM IF I EVER GET THE CHANCE
BUT I AM ENOUGH OF A GROWN ASS ADULT TO ACCEPT THAT SOMETHING I DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN HAPPENED ANYWAY.

My intent was not to be patronizing.
But good on you for jumping to that conclusion.
I was actually being quite sincere in wanting you to let your anger out.
I've seen it work for you a number of times and I know I have not seen the countless other times that I am positive it has worked in the past.
However, I must concede to your correction on my interpretation of "OH FUCKING WELL."

OKAY FINE, SO YOU WEREN'T PATRONIZING.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN JUST YELLING ABOUT STUFF IS GOING TO FIX THIS FOR ME THOUGH.
LOOK UP AT THE BASE ENTRY, WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT IF NOT LETTING OUT ANGER.
AND I'VE BEEN ANGRY ABOUT IT AT OTHER PEOPLE TOO, AND ARGUED OVER THE COMPLICATIONS THEREOF, AND YET MY MIND REMAINS THE SAME TWISTED JUMBLE IT ALREADY WAS.

But you blew off some steam and you sound much calmer for it.
Back to the jumble that is your memories...
Could there be any verity in the assumption that your ability to sort through the memories stems from an inability to focus on a single event at a time?

MAYBE?
I MEAN REMEMBERING THINGS IN ISOLATION ISN'T MUCH EASIER THAN REMEMBERING IN GENERAL RIGHT NOW
SOMETIMES THINGS JUST KIND OF CROP UP AND AGGRAVATE MY HEADACHE MORE FOR IT.
I KNOW AT LEAST PART OF IT IS HOW DISPARATE EVERYTHING FEELS.
LIKE, TRY TO IMAGINE IT EVEN IF IT'S BOUND TO FAIL
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE LIKE TO TRY TO MAKE ONE SOLID SELF OUT OF TWO DIFFERENT SETS OF YEARS IN CIRCUMSTANCES THAT DISPARATE.
IT'S LIKE I'M TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT THEY'RE BOTH ME
AND INSTEAD OF GETTING ALONG AND ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING THE DUMB NOOKBREATHS SPEND THE WHOLE TIME ARGUING.

Edited 2013-08-15 08:27 (UTC)

Is it slightly easier?
If it is, then trying to focus on extracting a single memory may eventually result in being able to separate them all.
Should that not be the case there's little else that I haven't already suggested at some point during this conversation.
Multiple years in such complexly different settings merging is a little out of my realm of personal experience.
I did have a memory merge of my own when Dave went back in time to create Davesprite and bring us back out of the doomed timeline.
It was only about four months of memory and the setting wasn't immensely different.
Unless you consider the fact that a good portion of those four months in the doomed timeline I spent getting drunk to be an immensely different set of circumstances.
Regardless, the situation was very different from what you're experiencing in that my memories from the doomed timeline sort of trickled into my consciousness.
It was still a little jarring whenever the memories reasserted themselves with the rest of my memories.
But it was different from your massive jumble of memories.
All that being said, I can attempt to imagine what it must be like for you right now.
Which is why I am doing my absolute best to try and help you with this.

SEE, YOU HAD IT EASY
BUT I'D TAKE A FEW MONTHS OVER THESE YEARS ANYTIME.
I ACTUALLY WENT THROUGH IT ANOTHER TIME
I DISAPPEARED BACK TO THE METEOR FOR A FEW HOURS, SHOWED UP HERE AGAIN, AND HAD MAYBE HALF A YEAR OR SO OF TIME CRAMMED BACK INTO MY SKULL.
I STILL HAD A HEADACHE, AND SOME THINGS GOT COMPLICATED BECAUSE OF IT, BUT AT LEAST I DIDN'T HAVE A JUMBLE LIKE THIS TO DEAL WITH.
GOING THROUGH EVERY MEMORY I HAVE NOW IS GOING TO TAKE A LONG ASS TIME
AND WHO KNOWS IF IT WOULD HELP THE MIXED EMOTION BUSINESS.
BUT CONSIDERING I AM THE ONE WHO TOOK YOUR OFFER IT WOULD BE AN ASSHOLE MOVE OF ME NOT TO AT LEAST BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU'RE TRYING.

I agree.
I had it quite easy in comparison.
Going through every memory would take an extraordinarily long time.
This metaphor may be flawed, but consider it all the same.
Whenever I am knitting and my yarn gets tangled, I spend a few moments trying to figure out which end of the string to pull.
One end results in a knot and even worse of a jumble when pulled.
The other end unravels the jumble perfectly without much exertion when it is pulled.
In the case of your memories, you have far more ends of metaphorical string to pull, but if you can select the right ones, the rest should pop into place without having to tackle the entire mess.
There's no guarantee it will work, but it may be worth the effort to attempt.

CONSIDERING MY LUCK?
THINGS WILL PROBABLY JUST PULL INTO AN EVEN TIGHTER KNOT OF CONFUSION AND SELF-LOATHING.
I SAID IT BEFORE BUT I STILL, DESPITE THE CONSTANT FRUSTRATION AND DISBELIEF OF HOW I COULD PUT UP WITH SUCH A CONFOUNDING SMEAR OF BULGE SCUM, FIND MYSELF WISHING I COULD TALK TO MYSELF WITH MEMOS.
HAVING THAT SOUNDING BOARD BETWEEN PAST AND FUTURE LET ME GIVE MYSELF INSIGHTS THAT PLAIN OLD LINEAR THINKING DOESN'T
EVEN IF IT CAME WITH VITRIOL AND THE GNAWING REGRET FOR WHY I EVER SAID SUCH STUPID SHIT.
I'LL TRY ANYWAY CONSIDERING HOW SCANT THE OPTIONS ON THE TABLE ARE.

I have to say, I am a little jealous of you ability to talk with your past and future selves back home.
There are times I think it would be quite beneficial.
I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor.
Feel free to come to me with anything else that may be bothering you at any given time.

IT WASN'T ANYTHING SPECIAL, IT WAS JUST MAKING USE OF MEMOS.
IF I FEEL THE NEED I'LL LET YOU KNOW
WHICH I PROBABLY WON'T, BUT WHATEVER.
LATER.

[Click.]

Edited 2013-08-31 17:38 (UTC)

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