caughtinanetwork | 046 ♋ [TEXT]

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046 ♋ [TEXT]

WHAT FOUL AND MERCILESS ENTITY ROLLED OUT OF THE SPECIES APPROPRIATE SLUMBER APPARATUS AND DECIDED TO INVENT TIME
WHY, IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS, DID THIS ASSHOLE INSTILL INTO LIVING BEINGS THE CONCEPT OF THINGS HAPPENING BEFORE AND AFTER EACH OTHER
AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE AFFLICTED WITH THIS WHEN I'M NOT EVEN A FUCKING TIME PLAYER.
WAS IT NOT ENOUGH TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE ENDLESS STABLE TIME LOOPS HOLDING THE SHODDY STICKS AND TWINE OF OUR TIMELINE TOGETHER?
WHAT ABOUT THE FLUX OF PEOPLE BACK AND FORTH FROM DIFFERENT SPOTS ALONG THAT LINE LIKE BACKWASH FROM AN ILL-CLEANED MOUTH INTO A SOULMELTING BOTTLE OF FAYGO???
WELL I GUESS THE FUCK NOT, BECAUSE HERE I AM BEING FORCED TO DEAL WITH OVER FIVE YEARS WORTH OF MEMORIES LAID OVER THE TOP OF EACH OTHER LIKE PARADOX SPACE DECIDED TO MAKE A PARTICULARLY AWFUL SANDWICH OUT OF THEM.
SAID SANDWICH HAS THEN BEEN FORCE FED DIRECTLY INTO MY THINK PAN
I AM OVERSTUFFED WITH RECOLLECTION AND REMEMBRANCE
MY BRAIN WOULD VOMIT IF IT WERE PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. CONTEMPLATE THAT FOR A MINUTE.
OR HOWEVER LONG, I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE UNITS, AND NONE OF IT WILL APPROXIMATE THE SCREAMING HEADACHE CURRENTLY DECIMATING MY CRANIAL UNIT.
COULD I NOT HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS IN EASILY DIGESTED PIECES
WOULD THAT BE SO FUCKING HARD TO DO.
SURE, SEND ME BACK A COUPLE HOURS THAT FIRST TIME, BUT NO! YOU SCIENTIST NOOKMONGERS JUST *HAD* TO GIVE ME THE FULL THREE YEARS.
WHO CARES THAT I WAS ALREADY 15 AND A HALF IN EARTH YEARS, I OBVIOUSLY NEEDED THE SQUALID, STULTIFYING EXPERIENCE OF LIVING SOME OF THEM TWICE! PLUS AN EXTRA FEW MONTHS!!
SO UNTIL MY SPONGE STOPS TRYING TO CANNIBALIZE ITSELF (ETA: NOT FUCKING SOON ENOUGH), DO NOT EXPECT COHERENCY FROM ME
BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN SORT OUT THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF "YESTERDAY" FROM THE FESTERING REMAINS OF MY OWN THOUGHT ORGAN.
YESTERDAY MEANS TOO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW.
YESTERDAY CAN FRANKLY GO FUCK ITSELF TWICE IN A BRAND NEW ORIFICE I'VE JUST INVENTED FOR IT.
ALL I KNOW IS THE LESS I SEE OF POSSESSED PSYCHOPATHS AND THEIR WEAPONIZED CUTLERY, THE BETTER.
SOMEONE TELL ME HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED SINCE I DISAPPEARED AND WHO'S HERE, BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN CARE TO CHECK THE LIST RIGHT NOW.

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[Mate...sprit. Matesprit. That's why he kissed him. Karkat sinks his face into his hands.]

God damnit.

[Now that Eridan's said it, the memories waft up, disjointed and jumbled but still clear in theme. Bizarrely, part of him is gladder for it as it mixes with the relief of seeing someone after too long apart; another part keeps facepalming because of that time apart.]

If it's not one quadrant it's another. You know, I have no fucking clue how... Vatheon me? Vatheon me. How the hell he even landed stable quadrants, because that sure hasn't been what I've been through!

[Pause.]

What... part of me has been through? Jegus, this is confusing.

[His hands drop away and he looks up, face apologetic and utterly exhausted.]

Let me put this plainly. I was on the meteor for three stupid, lonely years of romantic failure, increasing isolation, and existential self-questioning claptrap. That part of me, meteor me, only ever saw you in the dream bubbles, and like... a bunch of different yous. God tier yous, yous in skirts for some unfathomable reason I am not going to ask about here, regular-looking yous who died for other reasons I never got to ask. And I missed you--I have missed you--but I've missed all my dead asshole friends even if they screwed the pooch and wound up dead for it.

I also just had the two and half years I lived here crammed forcefully back into my cranial cavity with no preparation whatsoever. No, I haven't forgotten what happened here. Yes, it is mixed up as fuck. Vatheon stuff and meteor stuff has all mixed into this big stupid casserole of fuck my life, and I am choking on the disgusting pieces.

I already did the big emotional thing with Gamzee, so just... please tell me you're somehow following the point I'm trying to say here.

[Eridan's silent as Karkat talks, staring at him somewhat unsure of how to respond. He certainly took it all in, but... he's still not entirely sure on where Karkat's going, and he fears for the worst.]

Wait... Alright, I get that you spent a looong time on that shithole meteor, but you remember shit... So you should, I dunno, still feel the way you did about me... right? I mean, if you missed me back there, shouldn't that just reinforce your feelin's or somethin'?

[HEY HE'S TRYING TO BE HOPEFUL HERE.. but his voice is portraying anything but hope. He honestly just sounds defeated, maybe even a little emotionally drained. He knew he should have stuck with his gut, even when everyone else was so set on showering him with stupid, fakey fake optimism.]

A-and, if your relationships sucked on the meteor, wouldn't that be more reason for to want to come back to what you had here?

[Okay, maybe he's starting to sound desperate, but this is just... shitty and he doesn't want it, it's not fucking fair!]

[He knew he was hoping for too much. Eridan's questions show all he's got wrong, and the defeat in his voice shows his fear. Karkat's expression falls further to hear it all.]

Eridan, I frankly don't have the faintest clue what I'm feeling right now, beyond the sobering knowledge that I am the biggest asshole in all paradox space.

Also, it's relationship; I only had one, with Gamzee, and our moirallegiance stopped when that smug tool dumped me for his religion. You know how it went with him? I couldn't just be glad he was different here--I mean I am?--but I'm disgusted at him too. I blew up at him when he first messaged me, and then I tried to dump my feelings on him, and then I... fuck, what does that even count as? I don't know if I broke up with him or just told him I need a break, but all I know is I can't be his moirail while my feelings aren't all the way in it.

You've probably got it better because you didn't pull what he did, but you were also just a dead douchebag friend who was never an actual quadrantmate to me. That's why I shoved you away. And... and yeah, I am glad to see you, under this writhing mass of self-loathing for how awful I have to be to deal with right now. But if the rest of this headache has told me anything, I am not in any position to just jump back into a matespritship that only part of me was involved in.

Excuse the fuck outta me, relationship. Not that the bloody technicalities matter!

[He's only getting snappy because it's easier to just be angry than sad. He's been sad the past three nights and he's about sick of it... even though he knows once his frustration and anger has gone away, he'll just be a mess again.]

Ain't you bein' a bit of a hypocrite here, Kar? You got bloody LIWID with me when I punished him for shit his future self did, we got into a huge fuckin' THING about it, but now you're doin' it? I can understand needin' some time to acclimate to this swirlin' mess a owerlappin' memories an' shit, but just cos' shit happened there, doesn't inwalidate anythin' that's here. It ain't a PART of you, it's still YOU, meteor you, Watheon you, you are you no matter fuckin' what.

But, I can respect that. You needin' to sort some shit, I'm sure this ain't easy for you. Just, I dunno, while you're sortin' shit, try to remember that we'we all changed while we'we been here, ewen you, and your jump back to the fuckin' meteor ain't changin' that none.

[He takes in a shakey breath. For all he's trying to keep up a collected, but annoyed, exterior, emotionally he's shaking. What if that separation means Karkat doesn't want to be with him any more? He said he has it better than Gamzee cuz he didn't pull the shit Gamzee did, but... How can he be sure?]

Look, let's go back to the hiwe an' get you cleaned up? This place ain't fittin' for anyone to get their pan back in workin' order, and that aside you look like washed up rubbish.

[He lifts a hand to put it on Karkat's shoulder - but stops. Perhaps physical affection isn't the best choice at the moment, and with that thought in mind, he let's it fall slack at his side, glancing away from Karkat with a somewhat dispondent expression.]

Edited 2013-07-27 22:18 (UTC)

[Well, anger. That's not a surprise. What gets him instead is what Eridan chooses to attack with it, thereby changing the set of his frown and also drawing a wince as memories pop back into mind with what he said. It is downright bizarre to have pain from remembering things, but it's the nature of the headache, and it should (he sure as hell hopes) pass with time.]

[By the end, he's scowling, and the concern doesn't really help.]

Do not say you understand when you don't, Eridan. You haven't gone through this even once - you've gone back and forth, but you haven't had to deal with the memory crap, let alone on this level. I'm not punishing Gamzee, or at least I'm sure as hell not trying to. When I blew up at him at first it was because it took a minute for me to even remember what happened here. Do you even know how I explained it to him? What I said? And don't even think I don't know it had to hurt him. What I said is what's fucking true: it wouldn't be fair to him to try to carry on with it while part of me still feels that way about what meteor Gamzee did. I'm distancing myself so I can sort out what the hell I even feel! I know he's different here, I even told him that much, but it doesn't help when I'm feeling like this.

Also, don't dictate to me who I am. Meteor me and Vatheon me are and will continue to be distinct parts until such a time as they homogenize into something that makes sense, because right now I'm choking on thick, jagged chunks of both while I try to deal with the aftermath. You haven't got one single goddamn clue what it's like! It's like being two people at once, and yeah they're both me, but they're pretty fucking different in the details. Did you miss the part where I've lived some of these years twice? I was thirteen, fourteen, and part of fifteen twice over. I grew up different ways, in different circumstances, with different people and different relationships. It is a little fucking hard to just smooth it over and swap to Vatheon mode, especially when the last half-year of my life was lived exclusively on the meteor.

[He's been gesturing through the whole thing, hand movements illustrating one thing or another. Now, though, he throws his hands up.]

And yes, trust me, I know this isn't fun for you! I know it's not what you wanted! If I could just make things easy and ignore meteor stuff for what's true here, I would, because it wouldn't be such a complete catastrophe if I did. Do you think I like making my friends legitimately miserable? Because I don't! I just honestly can't make everything work the way it "should" [finger quotes] because my brain can't even function properly on its own right now. I need time, I don't know how much time, and I probably won't know until this mess has sorted itself out.

[His hands lower now. He may not have the bags under his eyes quite like he used to, but it is still written across his face just how tired he is, mentally and emotionally. He has been balled up, squeezed, and wrung out, and now he just wants to lay in a heap somewhere, but he can't yet because of things like this. People deserve more than that.]

Just trust me, Eridan, I have not fucking forgotten that you people here have changed from what you were. At the same time, I'm not just the me who was here, who you knew; I'm the me from the meteor, and the me who's dealing with this conflicting set of experiences in the here and now. I am not a coherent whole. And until I am, there's some stuff I just can't do yet.

[Finally, his shoulders sink, and he sighs.]

I don't know if I want to go back to the hive. For the record, I'm not saying that as a wishy-washy coward's "I don't want to"; I legit don't know. I want to get clean and have some actual rest, I just don't know if that's the right place for it after this.

Edited 2013-07-27 23:08 (UTC)

Kar just cuz I say I understand doesn't mean I'm sayin' "Oh I'we been there, personally" it just means I am not only willin' to fuckin' be sympathetic to what's goin' on, but I can get where you're comin' from, despite my own lack of personal experience. But good, I'm glad you're not, cos' whatewer he may hawe done there doesn't mean shit here - I mean, don't get me wrong, I ain't discountin' whatewer hurt emotions he gawe you, in fact I'd rather you be spared from such feelin's, but you can't really hold him accountable.

But distance ain't bad, I don't blame you. I just wanted to make sure you weren't bein' needlessly cruel to the dumb fuck is all.

[Cuz he kinda likes Gamzee, even if he's annoying as shit sometimes.]

I get all a that too, that you'we spent time there, I newer said I didn't, and you don't need to ower explain it. Also I newer, not once, fuckin' said I expected you to smooth it all ower and ewerythin' be great, if you were fuckin' listenin' you'd hawe heard me when I said you need some time to sort shit out. So there I went and said it again, listen this time.

[This is still not shit Eridan wants to hear or deal with, but that ain't a choice of his, now is it? When karkat says that bit about their hive, his fins lower considerably.]

... Look, if it has anythin' to do with the fact I'll be there, I can find somewhere else to stay while you sort shit out. That hiwe is as much yours as it is mine, after all, and I got places I can go. Not that you don't, but if you need some quiet and solitude, I don't mind.

[Except he does, because he wants to be there with him, but he knows shit isn't that simple.]

Edited 2013-07-28 03:37 (UTC)

[Again Karkat quiets and listens. He's already this worn out; after that expelling of air and aggravation, and Eridan more or less getting the point, he can't hold onto the feeling.]

It's just the jumbled kind of feeling I don't imagine you can really get without feeling it.

[He's not even arguing, really. But now he's frowning, different than before, eyebrows drawn in at the middle.]

I'm not going to kick you out of the hive just for my sake. I'm not going to lie and say it's not you, because yeah, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with you right now. But it's still your hive.

[His hand comes up to rub along the side of his face.]

I'm not sure I want to be alone, either? I don't want to have to deal with all this complicated feelings drama more, but I've missed having my friends actually care and want me around, too.

[Yep. Yep that really is getting him in the blood pusher, seeing him like this, hearing him talk like this. He's such a mess, and Eridan is helpless to actually do anything about it. He clenches his fists, all in an attempt to keep his arms from instinctively raising and enveloping Karkat in a hug.]

... Well, we can both go back there, I guess. I'll giwe you whatewer space you need, alright? That way neither of us lose our hiwe, but you won't be alone or smothered?

[He's really trying here, Karkat. Even if it's not what he wants, even if it kinda hurts.]

We can just... put this all on hold for now, if that will help you.

[He really doesn't even want to say that, but he's convinced it will hurt less if he's the one suggesting it. It really doesn't, though.]

[Of all the reactions to have, Eridan's compromise, understanding, and that last offer - made from him, without Karkat having to say it himself! - about makes him want to give him a hug. His arms raise partway and he steps forward, but that's when he catches himself. His arms lower.]

[His eyes squeeze shut and he sighs again - at himself.]

Yeah--Yeah, we can try that. If it's too uncomfortable at the hive, I'll leave and let you have it. Putting stuff on hold would help.

[He looks up again.]

Sorry I'm such a mess.

[His fins rise with hope as he sees Karkat's arms rise--but then he lowers them, and so too does his fins. He gives a half nod.]

Sure, don't feel like you gotta stay an' all that.

[A beat.]

Don't apologize, it ain't your fault.

[Karkat knows those fins by now. To see their rise and fall pings him with guilt.]

[After a moment of not knowing what to do with his hands, he gives a half-hearted "let's go" wave and starts walking. Both hands stuff into his pockets.]

Just take the apology. I feel like an ass, and I don't give them out that often anyhow.

[Perhaps Eridan was hoping one of those hadns would find their way into his own, but by now he knows he's gotta give up hoping like that, because that just isn't going to happen right now... Or for a long while. He nods and starts to follow him.]

Alright, fine, I'll cherish your apology for bein' the rare thing that it is.

[He lets a few moments go by, but it feels kinda uncomfortable. Gotta break the silence somehow...]

So, uh... What was that about me in... skirts, was it?

[Nailed it. Yeah, he definitely didn't miss that part of Karkat's rambling, there was just more important things at the time.]

[Karkat walks in silence for as long as Eridan holds it. He doesn't know what to say, much less like he could chat regularly after such heavy conversation, even if it did go comparatively easy to things with Gamzee. At least he doesn't have to deal with bitterness souring things.]

[It would therefore be unexpected just for Eridan to speak up, but about that? Karkat stops in his tracks.]

Of all the things--

[He shakes his head, starts walking again.]

You tell me, dude. You're the one who kept showing up here and there with the plaid and the tube top and everything. That's not even the only weird thing I saw in the dream bubbles, and if I tried to get answers for it all, my sanity would creep out my ear and flee to the furthest reaches of space, off to the black behind the stars, beyond sight, sound, and knowledge, forever.

Hey, it ain't my fault you spewed that information at me durin' a inopportune time an' all. But, I can't tell you anythin' seein' as that ain't a habit I'we made mine since ewer. I mean, there was...

[He trails off, but then shakes his head.]

--Anyway, I dunno, that's fuckin' weird, but then again, alternate me's made alternate decisions, I guess, ain't a true-like reflection onto myself or anythin'.

[Not that... he's really against skirt-wearing, but whatever. Totally not important, especially not now.]

It came up with the point I was making at the time, alright?

[He can't control what he recalls all at once! Not yet anyway. And even so, that was pretty noteworthy.]

And there was what? Don't trail off on me. You brought it up again; you are not playing the cagey secretive route.

I don't see why that detail mattered, but alright.

[Damnit Karkat, don't ask him these things!]

Just, there might hawe been a time I... wore a skirt... though not of my own wolition, alright? So it like, doesn't ewen matter or anything, not ewen that big of a deal really.

I thought of you and it came up! Cut me some slack.

[He wasn't trying to think about that part. But too bad, Eridan: Karkat's looking right at you now.]

When was that, and what do you mean, not your own volition? I got hit with that dumb fairy dress the one time, but I'm not the one who had crossdressing alternate selves running around.

Fine, fine.

[HE AIN'T LOOKING AT YOU KARKAT.]

I uh... it was when I killed Thalassino... She did somethin', put me in a skirt, it's a long story.

Thala...

[He scratches a hand through his hair, scattering sand particles.]

Refresh me. We aren't even in the actual bubble yet; you can give me the long story.

[Augh Karkat whyyyy he doesn't wanna get into details, it's far less heroic and awesome when he goes into this shit.]

She was kinda in on the whole Watheon project, like the curses and what not? She was tryin' to sabotage it all though, tryin' force us to go back to our respectiwe worlds, so I put a stop to that and took her out. But before I could do that, she had to fuck with my group and I and humiliate me.

[He folds his arms, shoulders hunching a bit as he walks.]

She switched our powers, which put me in this ugly fuckin' get up, which consisted some short skirt which left nothin' to the imagination. It was linked to the powers of one of the others, I don't know why exactly. But after a bit of fightin', I finally regained my powers back, as well as my clothes and put a end to her bullshit.

[He huffs.]

So... there ya hawe it, my recount of non-consensual crossdressin'.

[Yeah, he's a little purple from explaining that, because lets be real here, that's hardly something to be proud of.]

[That's who she was. Karkat has to stop a moment as things flood back - Thalassino and Vatheon bring up memories from all across his time here - but the reminder is solid, and brings him to understanding. He resumes his pace again, rubbing at a temple as Eridan explains the relevant part.]

Okay, that I will buy, since Thalassino was a secretive, lying piece of shit and we're probably all better for her absence. Of course she'd fuck with you guys, so why not add garment-based embarrassment on top of swapped powers? You're obviously not the first.

[He shakes his head. Fairy tale week was only worth it for the wings, and just barely.]

That still doesn't answer why those other yous had such an affinity for it, though. Is there something you're not telling me?

Uh...

[He flicks his eyes to Karkat, and then away, not returning to look at him again. He allows a relatively long pause before:]

Nooo?

[For the first time since shoving him, Karkat touches Eridan--]

[--which is to say, he aims a light shove at his shoulder.]

Stop lying, doofus, you know you're shit at it.

[As odd as it may sound, despite it being a shove, the contact is appreciated. In fact, it's reminiscent of how things were before Karkat left. However, Eridan is just going to throw up a front, huffing and flaring his fins a bit, ignore how they're kinda tinged with purple, and how he's trying to hide his face which is also purple.]

I ain't! I mean, I dunno... It was humiliatin', that time I mean, but... I guess maybe with the right clothes...

[WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT THIS ERIDAN JUST WANTS TO DIE]

[Karkat rolls his eyes at the display of dramatics. He knows you're blushing, Eridan. Trying to hide it won't save you now. The answer itself does draw a raised eyebrow, but--]

You know what? I am not even surprised. Set aside however many versions of you were wandering around in that getup, even, and you are still top spot for "Which guy on my team would be most likely to crossdress?" You're like one of those fish with the big fins, I don't know what they're called, and the more frills you have to fan out the better. Trade a cape for a skirt and it's as good as the same!

Whatever the hell you do on that front, I offer you one warning: pick something gaudy and I will both kick you out of the hive and complain to Kanaya.

046 ♋ [TEXT]

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