caughtinanetwork | 043 ♋ [VIDEO]

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043 ♋ [VIDEO]

[Appearing on screen is a troll, grey-skinned and scowling, utterly unamused as he holds up a tan choker with a heart design. Guess who Sandy Claws visited?]

Thank you, Vatheon, for this pointless and utterly useless gift. This is definitely what I wanted, and you have outdone yourself in practice of earth holidays. I actually liked the stupid lobster until it went and left me this piece of crap.

But if other posts and personal discovery have told me anything, things have been lost and sent where they don't belong. So, I'll make the guess that this thing actually belongs to someone, which is the one saving grace to stop me from throwing it out with the trash. You're welcome.

... On that same subject, though.

[He shifts, coughs.]

If anyone has a--it should look like a crab monster, okay? This white crab thing, a completely badass one. If you have it, just contact me in private and I'll come get it, alright?

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[Horned thing with Yukari's necklace.

Okay, Vatheon.]

That's Yuka-tan's choker. Maybe she's got your--uh--crab.

[Junpei if you ever do anything decent at least once in your life, do not make a 'she has crabs' joke.]

Who the hell is Yukatan?

[Things Karkat does not need: lessons on human STDs.]

...[Ah, right, most people don't know his nickname for her offhand.] My bad, I mean Yukari. Yukari Takeba?

But yeah, that's her choker. You'll probably be seeing her soon enough.

[She's like a bloodhound when it comes to trouble.

Especially since he called it a piece of crap. Wow, dude, that's cold.]

Sooo...is this a bad time to ask what you're supposed to be?

Never heard of her and don't actually care beyond this mess.

[Yeah, too bad. It looks like crap to him. What value has he got for a girly neck accessory?]

I'm a troll. No, my species does not live under bridges, we don't eat people, and we're not whatever moronic misconceptions you humans might have about your misnamed cultural concepts. We're aliens, first off, from a universe you've never even been in, we're conquerors, and we're completely awesome in ways you can't fathom.

'Kay. Cool.

[Aliens, yeah, he can roll with that.

Also wow, dude, insecure much?]

I've never heard of trolls, dude, I would have thought you were an Oni before a troll.

What's an oni? And we're not those either, whatever they are.

Uhhh...closest thing I'd say in English is an ogre or a demon.

[And after a moment, an example image pops up on the screen.]

In my culture, they're super bad luck given that they eat people and are the ones that torture you forever in the underworld.

[Never mind that Karkat's grey and oni usually have red or blue skin.]

We're not ogres, demons, or that repulsive excuse for a species, either. Lay off every presumption you've got and just learn from the source, alright? The last thing I'd want to eat is you guys, and I've never been in any kind of underworld, nor do I want to.

Yeup they're pretty ugly all right. You're the wrong color anyway, their skin is red or blue.

[Also he's wearing way more clothes than an oni would, but let's not get into that ever.]

Then it's even more of a stupid comparison, as trolls only come in grey skin. Most of us aren't that hideous, either.

[Yes, let's not.]

What can I say, in any stories I've heard about "trolls" and such they've never been described like you. You're kinda more like a plush version of one.

[Are you trying to offend him, Karkat? Because this boy doesn't offend easily.]

I'm not a plush version of anything!

[Karkat by contrast is pretty easy to offend, given the right subject.]

Do you see these teeth? Do you see the sickle?

[He grits his fangs and draws his regisickle.]

I am stone cold badass and I would thresh your shit six ways from earth Sunday if I had a mind to, which fortunately for you I don't. The point, either way, is shut your flat-toothed trap.

[

Not the intended reaction by far, but he's stifling a snort into his hand.]

No you're definitely more an uglycute plush some girl would have on her shelf. I see your pudge and your big old eyes and your nubby little horns.

I'm not a fucking plush! I'm not ugly, I don't have a pudge, there's nothing wrong with my eyes, and my horns aren't nubby! Where do you even get off insulting me when you don't have horns at all? You are a pale, squishy, flat-toothed caricature of a species, a joke of the universes, and reality's saddest punchline. A head of lettuce could out-think you, that infection of facial hair near induces the urge to vomit, and that hat would only ever serve purpose as the receptacle for such an event.

Cool story, bro.

Y'done? I think we're done. 'Kay, bye trollbro.

[Click!]

[What.]

[Calling back!]

Don't you hang up on me! My insults are like an atomic bomb of rage, destroying all in their path with no question called. You don't just get to brush it off with a "cool story, bro." It's not a story, I'm not your bro, and nuclear hateblivion will befall your vaporized corpse before I let you call the shots.

It's kind of cool how super dedicated to the hate thing you are, s'all. Like even calling me back? Wow, dude, we've just met, I didn't know you cared so much.

[But he already told him about the choker belonging to Yukari so it's pretty done in his mind???]

It's not that kind of hate!

[God damnit. Now he's more irritated - on top of the rest.]

Would you pull your head out of your ass? I don't care about you; it's a principal thing.

...Not that kind of hate? The hell are you talking about?

Oh my god, you ignorant douchewaffle. What did you even say that for? If you don't know what I mean, what is even the point of making a big deal about me calling you back?

Because you care about insulting and hating people that clearly don't give a shit? Like, what else?

And I told you, it's a principal thing. You disrespected my trolling. You didn't even listen to the insult, did you?

Nah, not really. It's kinda stupid.

[He's not the type to revel in negative things, after all, he doesn't understand what the appeal is to anyone else.]

It wasn't stupid! It was carefully thought out to convey proper offense, you uncultured phlegmlobe.

And whoopdeedoo, so you think I'm stupid, you're not the first one to say that. On some days I'd agree with you.

But I'm not trying to get into a contest on who can be more annoying here, I'm saying I've said my piece--that's my friend's choker--so we're done. Bye.

[video]

bethehugejerk - 2012-12-21 08:50 (UTC) - Expand

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