caughtinanetwork | 043 ♋ [VIDEO]

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043 ♋ [VIDEO]

[Appearing on screen is a troll, grey-skinned and scowling, utterly unamused as he holds up a tan choker with a heart design. Guess who Sandy Claws visited?]

Thank you, Vatheon, for this pointless and utterly useless gift. This is definitely what I wanted, and you have outdone yourself in practice of earth holidays. I actually liked the stupid lobster until it went and left me this piece of crap.

But if other posts and personal discovery have told me anything, things have been lost and sent where they don't belong. So, I'll make the guess that this thing actually belongs to someone, which is the one saving grace to stop me from throwing it out with the trash. You're welcome.

... On that same subject, though.

[He shifts, coughs.]

If anyone has a--it should look like a crab monster, okay? This white crab thing, a completely badass one. If you have it, just contact me in private and I'll come get it, alright?

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Yes.

[The answer is immediate, and said with a straight face. There are a lot of things he would do for irony. Roxy has mentioned skirts. He hasn't shot her down.]

... Of course you would.

If they ever open up suggestions for curse victims, I'm recommending your for fairy godmother if they ever pull a repeat of the fairy tail curse. You'd have more fun with it than anyone else did.

I'm flattered. Rest assured, Vantas, I'll make sure you have the perfect dress for the ball.

If I could somehow conjure a bag of hoofbeast globes out of the desire to choke you with them, I would so that I could perform that exact task.

[He already spent a week in a dress the week he got turned into a fairy godmother. Utterly awful. Also not something he's going to admit, ever.]

Kinky. Didn't know you were into that, Vantas.

It wasn't meant like that, you infected ass boil!

Sure it wasn't.

[And now he's back to having fun at Karkat's expense.]

Dude, I'm taken in both concupiscent quadrants, and even if I wasn't, I'd sooner make out with a silver nutrition plateau of my own vomit than start making creepy come-ons at you. Pop the ego, incinerate the deflated remains, and scatter the ashes across your own incompetence in hopes some actual sense sinks in. I'm not interested, not going to be interested, and definitely not like that in all of ever.

Everything is quadrants with you trolls, isn't it? You really can't take any teasing at all.

It's shitty teasing, so if this is anyone's fault, it's yours for pushing things that way.

If it's so bad, you could have brushed it off instead of blowing up at me.

But I didn't, and it can't be changed now, so too damn bad. You could have not teased me too, but that idea is just too radical for this lifetime, isn't it?

It's simply never going to happen. Glad to know you've realized where things stand.

At this point I'm just going to rewrite your name as "Dick" in my memory. Clearly whatever force named you made a typo or stumbled over a consonant, because dick is your nature, unflagging and awful as that statement itself sounds.

This is the part where a gay joke is supposed to go here, but we can skip that. I'm glad you've finally discovered my true nature.

Gay joke?

Outdated terminology for humans who express sexual preference for one gender over the other. One of many such terms, actually. Two guys talking about dicks would inevitably need a reassurance of "no homo" to alleviate the supposed gayness of the situation.

Stupid human divisions about who likes what gender, got it. You should know full well if you were conquered by a troll that we don't give a shit about that kind of thing and don't even have the concept within our own species, so your gay joke reference isn't even ironic, just dumb and pointless.

Trolls also don't have a biological imperative leading to a theoretic importance of a majority of specific gender pairings. Not that I agree with it, but there's a reason it existed originally, underneath the bullshit.

And your species still makes a bigger fuss over it than it deserves. So there's a reason it's there, I get that, but where does that justify the big 'no homo' whining? I am like, half homo by human standards, and I was talking about dicks in the concept of insult, not slang reference to whatever awful analogue for bulges you've got hidden in your pants. And let's not even go there, alright? I will invent a way to punch you through the screen if you even try.

[Too late, he's already almost gone there with Sollux, Karkat.]

It became taboo, basically. It was unusual, and then it was suppressed, and because the majority of humans tend to react negatively to people who are different from them, it was a big deal for a while. Basically, it was something humans were persecuted for. At one point, it was even something they could be killed for.

That is the dumbest fucking thing, and so it will continue to be every time I hear it. You humans don't even cull each other over not having relationships or not being able to contribute to the continuation of the species, so why get so worked up over a genetically nonviable romantic match? Who cares if it's two dudes, or two chicks, or any of that?

Surprise surprise, humans are actually pretty talented at finding bullshit excuses to kill other groups of humans, despite most people having morals that claim killing others is wrong.

[Karkat hisses a frustrated breath through his teeth.]

See, that's why trolls are better than you. We might be ridiculously violent, and I know it screws us up, but at least we don't screw around about why we kill when we do.

You won't hear me arguing about how fucked up humans can be, but I must say I doubt that trolls are so superior. Call it a bias due to my species.

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