043 ♋ [VIDEO]

[bethehugejerk]

[Appearing on screen is a troll, grey-skinned and scowling, utterly unamused as he holds up a tan choker with a heart design. Guess who Sandy Claws visited?]

Thank you, Vatheon, for this pointless and utterly useless gift. This is definitely what I wanted, and you have outdone yourself in practice of earth holidays. I actually liked the stupid lobster until it went and left me this piece of crap.

But if other posts and personal discovery have told me anything, things have been lost and sent where they don't belong. So, I'll make the guess that this thing actually belongs to someone, which is the one saving grace to stop me from throwing it out with the trash. You're welcome.

... On that same subject, though.

[He shifts, coughs.]

If anyone has a--it should look like a crab monster, okay? This white crab thing, a completely badass one. If you have it, just contact me in private and I'll come get it, alright?

Comments

[crabbygenius]

That does sound like a hassle.

[Just cloning one individual and tending to them is hard enough, but twenty-four at the same time? Even Washu wouldn't want that task.]

You could say that. I have two daughters.

[bethehugejerk]

"Sounds" doesn't come close to what it was like to go through it. Cloning those little brats was a tidal wave of raw, liquid awfulness that knocked me off my feet and swept me out to sea, and that sea was made of squirming, drooling wrigglers. To fight the tide is to invite your own slimy end. The sea has a mind of its own, and that mind is to climb fucking everything, especially every inch of me they could get to.

[He shudders. Never again.]

Don't expect me to fawn over human infants, either. They have thumbs, don't they? I'm not halfway brain damaged enough to want to subject myself to tiny children who can grab onto things. Good luck with your daughters, and whatever possessed you to have them in the first place.

[crabbygenius]

[Washu can't help herself, she starts snickering at his description of the horrors of babies. She couldn't argue that he was wrong. In fact, he was very much right. Though there was more than the disgusting side to having babies around.

He just didn't get to experience it.]

It's not their fault they cause trouble. Babies can't talk yet, so they have to do it with their bodies. It's the only way they can tell someone what they want until they can speak.

Thankfully, I missed the infant period with Ryoko and Ryo-ohki. Besides, I was absent for the first 5,000 years of their life and not by choice.

[bethehugejerk]

[Karkat just about fires off a snarky answer for that first explanation, but the second part catches him before he can.]

Five thousand years? Sheesh, what is with so many non-humans not looking the part? I swear I'm just going to have to ask strangers straight up what species they are this time, because no one has the decency to stand out from each other. Unless humans on your planet are just weird enough that they live that long, but that's a jump from what I've been told about their lifespans.

So what are you?

[crabbygenius]

You know, I really don't know. I was found as a baby.

[If he thought 5,000 years was a shocker, he should ask what her real age is.]

As for humans, they have the average lifespan of 60 plus years. It's the other races in the galaxy that can live several hundred and in some cases, thousands.

[bethehugejerk]

... Right. Good to know.

[So long as she's got no ill will against him, and she doesn't seem to so far.]

No shit they do. Don't ask for an average for trolls. To use your calendar, on the short end some of us only live around 35 to 50 years, give or take, and on the longer side, our empress has been around for more millennia than I know.

[crabbygenius]

Isn't it though?

[It takes a lot to actually get her angry, so he has nothing to worry about.]

Why is there such a difference in aging with your species?

[bethehugejerk]

[His expression hardens, mouth going flat.]

I'm going to say up front that I hate this subject, this subject is stupid, and if you want the full version, go pry it out of someone else.

The short version is that we're divided into different biological categories that determine things like lifespan, body temperature, the presence of psychic powers and resistance to them, and whether we live on land or in the sea.

[crabbygenius]

...The short version still leaves me with lots of questions. But, seeing as you hate the subject, I'll ask someone else.

[bethehugejerk]

Good, because you wouldn't get the long one even if you pried me for it.

[crabbygenius]

Good to know.