caughtinanetwork

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[ When the feed begins, it shows John (~~Aunt Nancy~~ Anansi) perched on a tree branch, legs crossed. His six, spider arms are idly juggling six, round objects -- apples, a crystal ball, etc. It was yours???? Well, it's John's now. What's holding his SFC? ....Webs. Well, okay then. ]

Hey guys! I am totally a gross spider now, haha. Anyway, does anyone here know why nothing grows in the winter? No?

Well, I do. Because I have aaaaaaaall the stories. All of them! I almost had all the wisdom too but, well, that is a story for another time.

Anyway, here I go.

Once upon a time, the Winter time used to be no different from Spring. Sure, snowflakes would still fall and the land would still be coated by miles of frost during this season, but the flowers and the trees still thrived and grew. Everybody still feasted during Winter, and all was well.

This was because Lady Harvest, dear Lady Harvest -- she's lovely you'll love her -- sang to the crops every night. She had such a magnificent voice that the plants would forget their chill and sleep under her guidance.

Now, as kind and benevolent as Lady Harvest was, she still made all creatures, human and animal, promise that they would only harvest enough to satisfy their hunger; she was, after all, just one deity and she couldn't possibly keep up with the demands of the whole world everyday if they were going to be greedy!

Everybody promised.

But some lied through their teeth.

One of the liars, surprise surprise, was me. Hey, she had a lot of delicious potatoes, could you blame me?

I did not want Lady Harvest to think ill of me though, so I devised a cunning plan!

During the late afternoon, before Lady Harvest sang and after everybody reclined back to their houses, I approached Brother Tiger. Brother Tiger and I have never been in the best terms, but the good favors I did him outweighed the malicious ones, so he did not pounce me. He asked me, "John, what is it that you want now?"

"I'm hurt, Brother Tiger. Why do you always assume I'm up to something?" I crawl up next to Brother Tiger and I ask him, "So why do you, proud king of the jungle, have the same rights as a common spider like me? Everyday during Winter, when I take one potato, you also take one potato! Excuse me, but shouldn't you be taking ten potatoes?"

Brother Tiger, with his mind clouded in fury that he even forgot his dislike of potatoes, ran to where Lady Harvest was singing. He roared and he roared at her that Lady Harvest was so shocked, she stopped singing to the crops. While the plants shivered and cried, I made myself a net from my spider webs and hurried them away. When Lady Harvest turned around, there were no more crops to sing to!

During these moments, Lady Harvest began to doubt herself. She wondered if she weren't strong enough for the plants, and since she had neither friends nor family, nobody was there to invalidate her insecurities -- so she ran away to the kingdom of God, never to be seen again.

That night, I feasted with my friends until we couldn't take another more bite. But there was TOO much food that we couldn't possibly eat them all, a world's worth of food, so they rotted away. From those days onward, Lady Harvest never returned, so all the plants shivered and died.

And now you know why nothing grows in Winter anymore!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Uncontrollable giggling. He almost falls off the branch. ]

CAW CAW.

I can see your sympathetic abilities are still horribly intact.

[John. You're such an ass sometimes.] Caw caw motherfuckers. Just tell me when you're done having a hoot. No biggie, I have time to waste just like everyone else.

[ John apparently can't stay still, so now he's dangling on the branch, legs tied around it. ]

Wow, someone's prissy today! I'm always here to lend my best bro a hand. Or six!

Just... [ giggle. ] Caw if you need me.

I can only humor your terrible bird jokes for so long, John. And seriously, they're getting old really fast.

I love you, but you gotta quit that shit.

[He's going to bash his head in if John continues to abuse the word 'caw' he swears.]

Fine, fine. I'm sorry! Don't be such a peep.

You are so not sorry, and I'm ready to bash my head in.

I guess that's a step up from completely losing my head and getting eaten. [Wait, what?]

What?

Psst, Dave, you don't look half-bad as a bird monster.

My mom killed me and my dad ate me. I didn't even know I had parents.

Thanks, Egbert. That makes me feel so much better about myself.

I don't know what that means.

No, I mean you look fantastic. [ eyebrow waggle. ]

Egbert.

Are you coming on to me? [Just. This face.]

That depends. Is it working?

Gonna have to try harder then that.

It takes a lot to make a Strider swoon like a virgin maiden. [THIS IS SUDDENLY A CHALLENGE? Dave realizes that this is stupid and why the heck would John accept it?]

Is this a challenge?

If you want it to be.

But you're gonna lose this one Egderp. Crash and burn so hard, they'll smell the intense burns from kingdoms far, far away.

Challenge accepted, then.

Hey, have you ever heard of the story of the bird dude that made out with the cool spider dude?

Don't think I have.

Last I checked, there was this really fucking cool bird kid and his derpy spider friend trying to be cool. He felt kind of bad because his spider bro was trying real hard to reach his level of cool, but it just wasn't happening.

I'm assuming your story is totally different though. Please. Enlighten me. I must know. Can you hear the earnest deadpan in my voice? How did this sloppy makeout come to be?

Different cultures have different tales, that's probably an inferior civilization you're talking about.

How?

Well.

I don't have that story yet! But I think it's going to have a good ending. Want us to make that story now?

Huh. I'd be making it to easy for you if I just willingly let you have that story. Gotta work for it.

I'm not just going to come to you all wrapped up in a bow. I'm elusive as fuck you know. Gotta bring home the bread. Singing is hard and not everyone appreciates a good song, believe it or not.

Darn!

That's what I like about you. You're so complex! Do you want me to bring home the entire bakery? Because I can do that, you know.

I love a good song, though. Why don't you sing for me, pretty birdie?

Naw. I like to work for it myself. I ain't a house wife to no one.

[He considers saying no. But hey. The other wasn't asking to make out with him. Which reminds him. He wonders where John even is at the moment.

He puffs his chest out a little and lets out a familiar, yet foreign tune in a surprisingly gentle voice.]

My mother, she killed me,
My father, he ate me,
My sister Marlene,
Gathered all my bones,
Tied them in a silken scarf,
Laid them beneath the juniper tree,
Tweet, tweet, what a beautiful bird am I.

[ claps. ]

That is so beautifully tragic, Dave.

I think the most tragic part is I'm a bird. [He rolls his eyes.]

Where are you anyways?

Why do you want to know?

Can't a bird be curious? Last I checked, it wasn't just reserved to cats.

But fine. Don't tell me.

I'm on a tree behind the fruit shop, silly. Very secluded. Why, do you want some privacy with me?

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