[video]

[cakesaretheenemy]

[ When the feed begins, it shows John (Aunt Nancy Anansi) perched on a tree branch, legs crossed. His six, spider arms are idly juggling six, round objects -- apples, a crystal ball, etc. It was yours???? Well, it's John's now. What's holding his SFC? ....Webs. Well, okay then. ]

Hey guys! I am totally a gross spider now, haha. Anyway, does anyone here know why nothing grows in the winter? No?

Well, I do. Because I have aaaaaaaall the stories. All of them! I almost had all the wisdom too but, well, that is a story for another time.

Anyway, here I go.

Once upon a time, the Winter time used to be no different from Spring. Sure, snowflakes would still fall and the land would still be coated by miles of frost during this season, but the flowers and the trees still thrived and grew. Everybody still feasted during Winter, and all was well.

This was because Lady Harvest, dear Lady Harvest -- she's lovely you'll love her -- sang to the crops every night. She had such a magnificent voice that the plants would forget their chill and sleep under her guidance.

Now, as kind and benevolent as Lady Harvest was, she still made all creatures, human and animal, promise that they would only harvest enough to satisfy their hunger; she was, after all, just one deity and she couldn't possibly keep up with the demands of the whole world everyday if they were going to be greedy!

Everybody promised.

But some lied through their teeth.

One of the liars, surprise surprise, was me. Hey, she had a lot of delicious potatoes, could you blame me?

I did not want Lady Harvest to think ill of me though, so I devised a cunning plan!

During the late afternoon, before Lady Harvest sang and after everybody reclined back to their houses, I approached Brother Tiger. Brother Tiger and I have never been in the best terms, but the good favors I did him outweighed the malicious ones, so he did not pounce me. He asked me, "John, what is it that you want now?"

"I'm hurt, Brother Tiger. Why do you always assume I'm up to something?" I crawl up next to Brother Tiger and I ask him, "So why do you, proud king of the jungle, have the same rights as a common spider like me? Everyday during Winter, when I take one potato, you also take one potato! Excuse me, but shouldn't you be taking ten potatoes?"

Brother Tiger, with his mind clouded in fury that he even forgot his dislike of potatoes, ran to where Lady Harvest was singing. He roared and he roared at her that Lady Harvest was so shocked, she stopped singing to the crops. While the plants shivered and cried, I made myself a net from my spider webs and hurried them away. When Lady Harvest turned around, there were no more crops to sing to!

During these moments, Lady Harvest began to doubt herself. She wondered if she weren't strong enough for the plants, and since she had neither friends nor family, nobody was there to invalidate her insecurities -- so she ran away to the kingdom of God, never to be seen again.

That night, I feasted with my friends until we couldn't take another more bite. But there was TOO much food that we couldn't possibly eat them all, a world's worth of food, so they rotted away. From those days onward, Lady  Harvest never returned, so all the plants shivered and died.

And now you know why nothing grows in Winter anymore!

Comments

[video]

[baa]

[Hold on she's processing that story. Meanwhile she's going to stupidly hit video and stare.]

[video]

[cakesaretheenemy]

Wow, who is that pretty little thing?

[video]

[baa]

[oh. he spoke.]

Oh, no one in particular.

[video]

[cakesaretheenemy]

I don't know, she sure does look like someone. [ Eyebrow waggle. ]

[video]

[baa]

I could be, but that's for you to find out! [She giggles, which is slightly masked with bleating.]

[video] 1/2

[unconchonable]

[He listened to the whooole thing, yes he did! Btw, Sure is Eridan, Naga edition!]

[video] 2/2

[unconchonable]

What?

[video]

[cakesaretheenemy]

Haha, are you a snake?

[video]

[unconchonable]

Sssomethin' like that, but what the fuck wasss that ssstory? Sssounded like a bunch a conwoluted bullshit lumped together by the mossst primatiwe a mudssslingersss an' then you fuckin' tacked that endin' on asss if it had ewery fuckin' right to be there, like sssome logical explanation for the needlesss bullshit, yet it did nothin' to explain anythin' at fuckin' all.

Do you humansss ewen record hissstory like a wiable race should, or do you guysss make up shitty fairytalesss to try to explain ewerythin' inssstead a underssstandin' what actually happensss, or why?

[video]

[cakesaretheenemy]

Do you want to hear another story? It's pretty realistic and nonconvoluted at all. It's called shut up, Eridan.

[ He shrugs. It's pretty apparent that he's not up to explaining real stuff because who does that anymore? ]

We used to count on stories before but now we record history like a bunch of non-imaginative, sorry sad sacks of shi -- hey. You don't look half bad as a snake.

[Video]

[knightime]

[Excuse him while he fusses with the stupid SFC to actually turn on. Having no hands sucks balls and you don't even know

Hello, John. Your best friend is part bird.]

Wow, John. I feel so fucking enlightened right now. I should just sing about how much your story has moved me.

So does having a crapton of extra hands make things easier? Because I've figured out not having hands makes things incredibly hard.

[Video]

[cakesaretheenemy]

[ Uncontrollable giggling. He almost falls off the branch. ]

CAW CAW.

[Video]

[knightime]

I can see your sympathetic abilities are still horribly intact.

[John. You're such an ass sometimes.] Caw caw motherfuckers. Just tell me when you're done having a hoot. No biggie, I have time to waste just like everyone else.

[Video]

[cakesaretheenemy]

[ John apparently can't stay still, so now he's dangling on the branch, legs tied around it. ]

Wow, someone's prissy today! I'm always here to lend my best bro a hand. Or six!

Just... [ giggle. ] Caw if you need me.

[Video]

[knightime]

I can only humor your terrible bird jokes for so long, John. And seriously, they're getting old really fast.

I love you, but you gotta quit that shit.

[He's going to bash his head in if John continues to abuse the word 'caw' he swears.]

video;

[ex_fintastic398]

[ So what are your thoughts on dragonfaces? ]

I think you look kind of cool!

video;

[cakesaretheenemy]

I think you look eight times cooler, wow!

video;

[ex_fintastic398]

I'd probably say the same, if I knew what you looked like normally! You don't always look like that, right?

video;

[cakesaretheenemy]

No. Normally, I am a boring old human.

video;

[ex_fintastic398]

Would you rather be a boring old troll like me?

[VOICE]

[bethehugejerk]

[Excuse him while he sticks to voice.]

Who the hell cares, John?

More importantly: why do you have six arms? Last I checked spiders weren't people.

[VIDEO]

[cakesaretheenemy]

Shut up, it is an awesome story.

I am Aunt Nancy! What are you supposed to be? Can I see?

[VOICE]

[bethehugejerk]

If you would actually stop and use that mystical organ housed in your fragile, calcium-based earth skull known as a brain, you could maybe piece together the obvious fucking fact that if I wanted you to be able to see, I would have used the video function.

But as things happen, I could not give less of a squeakbeast's hindquarters about your sad attempt at a story on earth seasons. Seasons don't even work that way. There aren't ladies singing plants into being, at least not the kind who actually affect whole hemispheres. And what kind of spider eats potatoes in the first place?

And lastly, are you suddenly a girl or is inappropriate gender assignation a theme to this curse, because unless Lily told me wrong aunts are human women.

[VIDEO]

[cakesaretheenemy]

Yeah, I picked it up. You are wearing something mortifying for you, aren't you? ...I am so curious though! I promise I won't laugh or make fun of you.

They don't work that way anymore, because in the before time, things worked differently. We stopped eating potatoes after -- okay, I actually have a really good story for that!

Wow, rude, Aunt Nancy is a dude spider. He is a trickster god spider that tells cautionary tales! It is neat.

[VOICE]

[bethehugejerk]

[There is a sort of flutter noise in the background. Nervous, if one can read much into flutters from someone not usually associated with them.]

Hah, yeah right. I just don't want to show you whatever I'm wearing, and like hell you wouldn't make fun of me if it were embarrassing or mortifying, which is absolutely none of your business. For all you know I'm stuck as something only moderately dumb but enough to make me not want to show anyone.

Second, I don't care about potato stories, and why are you called Aunt Nancy if you're a guy? Or am I remembering your human family system incorrectly?